annals of a petty life

2009-08-16T05:26:00.000-07:00

Ok. It's been six months and I it's about time that I revisit this hovel of a blog. So the questions is what has changed in six months? Nothing. Well, nothing of import anyway. Notice that I've dropped my ellipses, it's for the better. I need to practice writing more. It's strange that writing now really means typing into a text box. Let's see, I've found it increasingly more difficult to concentrate; it is as if my mind mind needs to be distracted. Internet doesn't help. Oh, Olivia and Stephen tied the knot (yay!). That was another exciting event. Odd, that the first thing I think about as important in the last months was someone else's happiness. Oh well.

Getting way too addicted to Go. I have around 15 browser tabs open at once normally, and invariably, six will be on the subject. It's OK though. Been on a diet lately, lost near ten pounds so far. I haven't seen 16_ on a scale in a long time. Still, why do I feel like something is missing?

For a long time, I've felt that I understood most of how the world works. It was all quite simple; but, my broad rosy strokes I used to paint my understanding can't quite agree with the doubtful/skeptical/bandwagon other half of my being. I can blame this on Nor-Cal all I want but I probably would be just as torn as if I was raised here and then moved down South. The difference in ideology is striking. They tell me to live o a firm foundation, but as try and grow wiser, I realize that other are anchored on different ones.

This optimism I used to have also extended to my own personal perception of self. It's the realization of one's own fallibility that is the most injurious.

2009-02-19T23:46:00.000-08:00

Oh, blog, i miss you... i haven't been on you in almost a year... why is that so? work is fun... lets see, whats happened since last time i've spoken with you? well , i guess the biggest thing is that anna got married, we got a new president, the economy tanked, i hit 3 kyu, i visited ada in florida, kay turned 21... mostly things really haven't improved... it's very hard to get motivated lately, just getting home every night and just lazying about on the couch, and sometimes even just falling asleep right there... it's pretty scary how fast things are moving, time i mean... just the other day was my one year mark of living up in norcal... hmmm side note, there should be a way to parallel all this on facebook automatically... hmmm 2:00 in the morning... im tired.... nite

2008-04-23T23:59:00.000-07:00

bahh, im sick... it sucks, most of my day is spent at work, and i can't talk about what i do much... secret proprietary stuff... watching "love story" some 1970's movie... catchy theme song, but thats all it has going for it... which reminds me... sigh, everyone's getting married... i feel wonderful for them... I wish them all the best... I wish i was in their shoes... to be so sure about something...

2008-04-07T22:19:00.001-07:00

Argh, google just screwed with my password again, it shouldn't take ten mins to start writting a new post. Yeah, tired... of everything... got a traffic ticket on thurs... doing 88 on a 65... i blame second-life... changes happening all the time... three new hires coming tomorrow... should be interesting... I think I'll still be the youngest... blah... the most exciting thing i did this week was learn perl...

2008-03-21T02:18:00.000-07:00

Sigh, what am I doing?

2008-03-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hmmm, I feel like I don't know how to run my life anymore... like i can go either way on most decisions... like im a raft at the mercy of the waves... yes or no?... i keep asking that... to people without asking the question... see how people will unknowingly steer my life... i mean, does it really matter?... i would used to choose a place to eat for hours... and then in the end, i'm full, and i don't quite feel like it was the best meal i could have eaten... actually, i just just the same things to eat nowadays... sad thing is i don't mind it too much... sad metphor for life... i really don't care what i want... as long as i get through the day... been addicted to go lately... way too much, i even played it at work with my boss haha... 5 kyus in 6 months.... yay!

2008-03-16T01:15:00.000-07:00

ok, might as well, i woke up the other day and thought to myself: what the heck am i doing in norcal?... i mean this whole living growing up thing has gotta happen but... now that I'm in the middle of it... it used to be that 8 am classes were unthinkable, but now i have to wake up at 6:30 just to get to work by 8:30... the commute has been killing me... forty miles each way... i really should move, but i don't wanna risk getting a flopper... the place im situated is kinda nice... sigh, growing up... i guess it's a good thing, i still don't really get to see the sun though... my cubicle is nice.. spacious... it's kinda cool, i already get to design things and work on projects that are somwhat import to the company... been addicted to go lately, thats all the diversion i get... i need a haircut... have been planning one that last 3 weeks but never has gotten the time... also thinking about getting an iphone... so sexy... i don't know nothing very interesting happens lately... went to a western-themed club last night called the "saddle rack" last night... waaay out of my element... never have i felt more deliciously white trash... hmmm... im sorry microsoft, i've been a long fan... but the mac book pro is just too sexy... things just work... more to come... oh yeah, nice sexy new domain...

2008-01-24T00:13:00.000-08:00

Hmm, I haven't blogged in 3 months... that also means that I haven't introspected in a long time... hmm new job, i still don't really know if i made a right choice coming all this way... just that i kinda feeling like i dropped everything back in sd, and had to restart everything... the new apartment is pretty nice... i think i can live here for a while... trying to grow some plants, keep the place looking nice... but the sunlight doesn't flow in that well... and the fire alarm is a bit over zealous... work hasn't kicked in yet... we've just been sitting for 3 weeks listening to how great cisco products are... tired... still trying to get used to the wake up early thing... it's about nine hours earlier than i normally do... speak to me... im lonely... "heh" ... i add that to a lot of convos now... it's almost like im trying to hide my melancholy with that little interjection... the heater sucks, it takes hours for it to heat a room... or the place is just that big heh... there it is again... getting 11Mb/s internet, fun stuff... don't know what to do with that... whatever, more later...

2007-10-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

sooo heres to another year... I wonder why we mark these so closely...

2007-09-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

ok, one more time, cuz i'm certainly not getting it... stop... moved into the new place... ehhh.... it's not bad... i need more sleep...

2007-09-12T16:32:00.001-07:00

So, today I got a job offer from cisco... can't say im not pleased but, I never really thought that the real world was so close to my doorstep... I guess it's the sense of fear of the imminent changes... kind of didn't want to uproot myself and rebuild myself up again... can't breathe... it feels like i'm floating endlessly ... doing everything safe... melancholic... i can't believe my life is going to be devoted to money... i mean, thats all work is for right... well money to support a family or what not, but none the less, money... [ * ] ... thats how i feel... something floating between walls...

2007-09-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

stop... I said i would too... what is wrong with me... oh wait, i know, i know exactly what is wrong with me... tired... all the time... still... had dinner with fullmer the other night... greasiet thing ever... but yeah... so good to talk to him again... comforting... the topic came up about freindship... why don't i share his optimistic veiws anymore?... are some freindship really worth the pain to keep?... sigh... sprained my ankle again... the last time being sungod eve... limped about for a while, and then decided it's just easier to sleep... got nothing done... work tomorrow... now im kinda thinking about rethinking whether to go into the workforce or not... i mean, hopefully i find a job that is more fun than this one... so heard a commercial about small business finances... a good quote "do something you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life"... cept most of those things i love won't bring home the bacon... actually it' won't bring home the jok... (chinese porridge... duude, im a fob)... when did i become so money oriented... kinda sickening... so there are two forest fires in norcal... air quality's in the tubes... can't breathe...

2007-09-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

baseless fear

2007-09-03T20:57:00.000-07:00

Had three dreams last night, a good one, a nightmare, then a bleh one. But the nightmare really hit me hard... I had to lay there and stare at the ceiling for the next half hour... so it goes: I was with an old man, maybe his apprentice... we walked up to a man on his soapbox, talking about something... it didn't matter... the old man turns to me and says "what is this life for humans and their mortality?" ... then, I walk up to the speaker on the box and twists his neck... my point of view shifts and I see myelf, but without control over myself... I whisper to a lady transfixed at the dead speaker... "you're next"... a sudden calm came over her, and she stares at me, the observer... Her eyes wide open ... this is the frightening part, they turn large yellow and hollow, pupils dialated, as if a bright light was shining from behind me... almost as if she was trying to convey her sense of desparation and fear through her eyes... My detached body thunders something to the crowd and then continues to break her neck... that was when i woke up... the room seemed darker than usual... it was about 5 in the morning, and a faint blue was bleeding through the blinds... and I just laid there for the next half hour...

2007-09-03T20:56:00.000-07:00

So I have a new thing im trying out: screaming in the car... it's the most soothing feeling i can get anywhere... no one hears you, and you can let all the emotion out... so one year ago, sometime between august 22 and 26, i lost my soul...

2007-08-12T22:26:00.001-07:00

I wish I communicate better... that thing on my resume is a lie hah... How does one express bottled up emotions?... it really seems like we live in an age where emotions have become trivial... I say that as a person who lives day to day with out much emotion about anthing, but is doing pretty well... I swear that one day we will all become robots... wouldn't that be great... no one gets hurt, crimes of passion are done away with...

2007-07-11T17:58:00.000-07:00

Highs and lows... I really hate digging into my old emails... I can't believe that I've kept every single one of them... "Love isn't love until you give it away." ... oh how applicable... not so much applicable as it is timely, in a retro-active throw myself over a cliff way...

2007-06-02T14:20:00.000-07:00

Some reason the room seems lonelier than usual... nothing has changed, the walls are still there... fly me to the moon... bland... bad day... ever notice how the whole world is more bland have something delicious?... maybe thats what drives the monks... in a world without extremes, the grays seem to be richer... was having lunch the other day... an absurd thought popped into my head, can't rememberwhat the thought was... not the point... but what if it were true... and if the universe was infinite, then it must be true somewhere at sometime... heartburn... what do I really want? what are my hopes and dreams?... why am I so caught up with the current moment... we all tend to do that don't we?... do things that hurt ourselves... as if the whole world has this sadistic obsession with living...

2007-05-14T11:57:00.000-07:00

so, the world was created 17 minutes ago... unrefutable, and undeniable... just to screw with my mind... ever got that feeling... as if the world uncertain as it is is even more uncertain than you really think... heres another one... im really insane... but i really don't notice... because i'm insane... whats the worth of a single dream on this fragile planet? whats the worth of an ant's cry standing on a hill? So I'm taking an AI class, made me question the idea of intelligence... Not that I really ever understood it but it gets more complicated... So heres my axiom, Some things are more intelligent than others, im probably irrefutably more intelligent than that piece of paper sitting on my desk... ok, so why am I more intelligent?... What if the britannica was written in a tiny font on that paper? I'm probably still more intelligent... It's cuz I can use what I know... that also means that how much you doesn't factor in how intelligent you are if you don't know how to use it... so thats my beef for today, people who knoe stuff, but don't use it... wtf, someone's changed the blogger setting so that it's in chinese... i can read enough to add a new post but not enough to change it back...

2007-04-15T02:25:00.000-07:00

i think i'm developing migraines... so the whole of this quarter i guess will be spent in the lab... might as well... at least once before i graduate... not having dreams lately... not cool... i really enjoy dreaming... even nightmares... only in dreams can our innermost fears come out and haunt us... so i went to a pcn... very nicely done... all the time i spetn at troy, i never got the chance... life really is like that, when you have something, you don't cherush it and take it for granted... but then when it goes away, you gotten travel 150 miles to riverside just to see one... hehe... had dinner with tina recently... got into a conversation about how we think... i guess there are those that really do need to think in terms of memorization... as for me i believe that the world is one giant metaphor... it's really finding the parallelisms in the universe that drive us... for example scientist, they try drawing parallels between mathematics and the physical world... stuff like that... tired... dead too often... my fears are everywhere... i once said that i liked computers because the gave you the power of god... to be able to understand everything completely... that this purely human device must bend at our every will... sad fact is that nothing in life is as it should... there comes a point when the complexity and depth at which somethings lie is just right beyond our grasp... is goes for life too, i guess i may never figure out the breadth that which this world is constituted, but i'll try... blue lines... every man has his wishes, but what do you do when nothing can be obtain because the wishes conflict? i guess it's part of the human condition or whatever... i walked home last night from the lab... dark and cold... i tried to find the shortest route possible.... had to cut through some mean bushes... but there was this empty lot next to the glaucoma center... vacant patch of dirt... just far enough so that if you looked up, the nearby street lamps don't pollute the dark... so i did... wasn't much to see except for a vast ocean of nothingness... it reminds me of a short poem by Piet Hein. what if we aren't standing on the earth, but holding up the world with our feet?... and we're just looking down upon the eon of stars below us?... flutter.... ok I'm tired... good night and sweet dreams.,,

2007-03-19T03:27:00.000-07:00

gah... im sick... and to the point that i don't feel like doing anything but eat and sleep... head hurts, chest hurts stomach hurts... coughing up who knoes what... and nose is runny... yeah... i'm tired... gah, i gotta study for finals... so much stuff in my head... blasting music to drown it all out... thank goodness they sell tylenol by the hundreds... i had a dream... hehe, these dreams of mine... I think i was riding a bicycle through the forest... back and forth... looking for something... i think throughout the dream... i had the deep feeling of hopelessness... btw, did you know that the past-tense of dare is durst? ... yeah... tired... final in 8 hours... can't sleep... hoping... never really know for what... i think i need to spend time to finish my little short story... maybe i'll post it somewhere... phooo

2007-03-16T05:46:00.001-07:00

stop.... the little guy running the theater in my dreams need to stop playing sappy movies... ever see that slow-motion video clip of a bullet going through an apple? it kind of like that... i'm actually dead tired... the demons come out when the mind is weary... little situations keep playing over and over in my head... its horrible, what i want to say to some people, what i want some people to say to me... hmmm, i think i want to take the music off of the blog... it's the list of music that's currently playing over and over in my head... it's warm again... i want to go outside and do stuff... no one to do it with me... sigh... where has youth gone... i was sitting in a golden spoon with some highschool people... just listening about their cutsy boyfreinds and such... oh how i miss it... and then it occurred to me how detrimental those years were to me... how they shape my point of view on most aspects of life... why is it that i hold my youth to such high regard?... i mean the past is nice and all... but isn't there that fallacy of pretending that the past was "the good ol' days"... sad... was reading an article on cryogenics... for no good reason except to waste time... oh jeez... that all i do nowadays is to waste time... there just seems like a whole life-time worth of... well, time... to waste... but yeah people freezing their relatives in hope that oneday medicine will catch up to death... i guess it all ties into which is worth more, the present or the future... i'm right now in the camp of the past not being worth as much as i thought... i mean isn't that why there is racism... there are grudges... because of past... now i'm not saying that we should just forget about the past... actually... ... phooo... too much thinking at 5:30 in the morning... was supposed to sleep 3 hours ago... but thoughts... wasted on useless things... what is worth anything?... so much i want to say... but you know you just can't... whens the last time i shed a tear?... does not doing so mean i've lost my heart?... i remember when i was younger... my pillow would be soaked for one reason or another... my parents were the type to just keep screaming when i'm down... i guess back then i felt something... haha oh yeah, i was home last weekend... and i rummaged though the old toy closet... yeah ot still all there... my childhood strewn on the floor... there used to be this cartoon i had watched when I was a child, english title: "Couragious Keith"... they manufactured a line of twenty-odd put-together robot toys... i had them all... i remember that number zero was the precursor to number 1... number 5 can be taken apart to becose the armour for number 1... which later in the series became number 17... there were villans too... the last three comebined to become a super robot... haha... then one day i decided that i could take them all apart and peice a bigger robot from them... nope... it remains in peices in a little green tuperware box... but that was it... my childhood was all about destruction... i broke everything... toys... walls... hearts... i guess i want to be the type of person that rebuilds things now...

2007-03-07T04:43:00.001-08:00

love songs are meaningless when you've got no one...

2007-03-07T04:39:00.001-08:00

It seemed like everything just clicked today... for apparently no reason at all... mybe thats the thing, I woke up with a good outlook and just went from there... life's coming at me fast... three job interviews in the next couple of weeks... i don't think i'm really ready for any of this... but I guess there no more degree of ready i can be... the stutter's getting worse.... it's just that I don't really talk anymore... there's nothing useful to say... I grew up thinking that the was a sense of "profoundness"... I mean that a piece of art wasn't just open for interpretation, it has a certain profound quality to it... just because it was what it was.... I guess it's sort of demystifying to find out that the reason why things are beautiful or that things are profound was because people said they were... what make the words of great men something to quote? ... I for one quote people only because I find their perspective amusing or that it sums up a certain notion of life nicely into a nice poetic package... But really how profound is it?... maybe it's because no one has ever thought of it before... but then again, there really is nothing new under the sky... I guess it speaks to the weakness of the mind that can be sway by standardizing critical thought... so if weak minds are those that can be swayed, then whats the differece between a strong mind and one that is arrogant... I keep hearing: "You should open up your mind" "free your thinking" .... that sounds great and all but theres a catch... "free your thinking, and think like us"... I really don't mean to polarize the subject, but which should we live by: to turn towards ever whim at every changing of the tides, or to hold fast like a rock and be still?... Why is one mode of thinking worth holding on to? over another per say.... but what merit to we compare ideologies?... is it by the popularity of the idea?... Is it be the truth that is made apparent?... or by some inner conviction?... see, for me, none of those quite fit the bill... they all lack a certain... profoundness..., beauty... hmmmm, its creepy... they say time is cyclical, but i know something that will never happen ever again: March 7, 2007. 3:32:45... whats so special about this time? nothing... but it's alos unique in that the steam of time will never run there again... the metaphor is true... time is like sand that trickle between our fingertips... there realy is no way to hold on... oh, and there really is nothing profound about that... I could have compared time with a leaky faucet or a bleeding hemophile... it conveys the same statement but without the poetic justification... but i guess it's the sort of BS we live in these days...

2007-02-26T02:42:00.001-08:00

I guess that we we don't have that much of anymore... we'll me at least... but it's just a time of introspection... i mean, im writing this blog to get my feelings out... but then in a way, im kinda forcing myself... i'd really rather be working on my isa... freakin pissed off... about everything... about nothing... about people getting hurt... about things not working out... about seeing people die a little more inside... about other people's happiness... about how cruel we treat others... about the past... about the neverending spiral... about faith... about love... about the hope that one day things gonna turn out ok... about not being about to face my fears... about cold shoulders... about bitten lips... about savin face... about caring...

2007-02-20T04:00:00.000-08:00

not pleased... not that i have any reason to be... i guess the point of past mistakes really is to learn from them... cuz certain one's you're never gonna forget... and yet again, im the scum of the earth... but i guess there really need to be a limit to all this... i really can't believe its the same thing over and over... so if one were to ask me, have i grown?... i guess not... i still really haven't accepted the fact... no...no.... you don't get to do this... i've had enough... the upside is that it really is all in my head... ok i'll stop... vow: no more writing about this anymore... sigh.... see, the point of having a blog is that thing happen in my life... not really... things don't happen... it's just a stagnant

2007-01-22T12:46:00.000-08:00

the worst part of a nightmare is waking from a dream... personal quote... had a dream the other night... if this dream were to have happened, all my current insecurities would go away... now that i think about it, that type of absolution would be great... a god-send... then why don't i wish for god to send it?... not yet not yet... living in a cage... its not really what i feel like, but that imagery keeps poppiong up in my head...

2007-01-06T01:06:00.000-08:00

im tired... the thing is... i just did something really really stupid... and it was a bit unsettling... ehh... so i was, hanging out with some people i haven't in forever, it felt good, i felt safe... just that the world moves so fast these day, you never knoe what we might have missed... people don't change... none of us have changed that much... its not a bad thing... it give the rest of us a sense of security... false as it may be... mmm, played tennis today... hehe fun... man am i out of shape... ok so news resolution time: less diet coke drinking... wake up earlier... more motivated in everything... watch what i say... work out more often... eat more greens... leaving anything out? hmmm, was talking to justine, about stuff, relationships, and what not... she's right, im glad... more than glad... that i've plucked up enough courage to talk openly with people i used to have a crush on... haha... sounds unimportant and naive... maybe, but it really is kinda hard... especially for us introverts... glad... and thats why im kinda pissed at myself right now... then again, it really is the truth... so blah... does nature/ nurture apply here... cuz its something that nature has endowed me with... possibly and i realy can't do anything about it... nevermind... another new year... its pretty rediculuous... sat with camille at a denny's on new year's night... just talking and sipping coffee... familiar faces are great... again missing the ball drop, but eh... and once again, i find that the year is no different then the ones that have passed... in all respects... i am no nearer to any goals... not that i have any concrete goals of speak of... the same drifter mentality... its horrible... sucking up all the I and wasting it on stupid things... thats what i've been doing... and this year isn't looking like its gonna be different... i guess it's a bit too early to be depressed about things... actually a lot has changed even during this break... for instance, im getting a new roomate... many old aquantences have been re aquainted... oo oo, new years resolution part two: be hypocritical of my own tastes, i'm going to stop being so clingy... actually, that once again raise the problem of taste... i don't deny that i have my own taste in women... and don't deny girls don;t have qualities about guys they prefer than others... but thats what this whole dating thing is supposed to be for right?... so im trying to think back to the olden days... before dating was invented... wayback when.... i refuse to deny that true love didn't exist, yet, people are content with say an arranged marriage... how can that be?... it keeps begging the conclusion that people and learn to love someone... and that means that the someone can be really just anyone... and you have to learn to love them... then whats the point of dating?... now that i think about it, dating haas done nothing but retrict my potential choices... all i can think about when i think about girls is the qualities thatimight not be about to live with later... that is what dating has done... may imma restrict myself to casual things from now on... tired... im always tired... actually im sore all over right now... its like when i got back fom thanksgiving and i was sore for a week after playing at the turkey bowl... marrrkkkkyyyyy... ii missss youuu..... ok... i might just go sleep now.. i am reallllyy tired and not wanting to think, soooo, nighty night and sweet dreams... muah

2006-12-25T23:27:00.000-08:00

everyone is entitled some happiness right... then again, why should i feel like happiness is entitled... maybe its from living in america for so long... i guess, the modern day has reimterpreted the pursuit of happiness as "the right to happiness"... but really, im just tired... i say that a lot... i know... but really, im just emotionally sapped... normally, you knoe, life begets life... the spirit of things are supposed to get you higher... the "moment" at it would, is not happening... feedback doesn't happen without a catalyst... therefor, im tired... somebody told me something today that im really having mixed feelings about... i can't express it... not to anyone, not ever... apparently, fate is disallowing me... how much can you fill before the balloon pops?... its not like i should be shocked at it... its not like i really should care... in fact, i have no obligation to care... i hate that word, obligation... its "obligation" that breeds apathy... don't believe it?... help thatman on the street... no?... because you have no obligation?... but in this case, its less of not having an obligation, as i really shouldn't... now its bugging me, and i can't get my mind off of it... need an escape... i hate this feeling of being trapped... not by any circumstance... it's like animals that been shocked too many times, sooner or later, they just stay clear of the fence... now the fence is gone... but the memory of the shocks are still there... that person's also told me as much... what is profoundness?... why are things profound?... because we have never seen it before, but do they still stay profound once we have?... i guess, it really doesn't bother me that much... and im just over thinking it... on the grand scheme of things... there's no reason for it to... in the grand scheme of things, theres not much reason to do anything, then again...

2006-12-06T06:22:00.000-08:00

hmm, my devil may care attitude is still around... i ono, not liking it too much, sure i get things done but it ust skims by... it seems that each day is melding into the next... ( heh, melding, i hate that word...) yeah, so right now i don't knoe what i'm doing anymore... i guess few people do... lost that drive that i used to have... it kinda bugs me... it used to be that things like that would eat at me for days... doesn't do that anymore... now its just sort of on the fly... been reading more lately, for fun that is... i realized that part of my losing my english is that i don't do any recreational reading anymore... reading a lot of Asimov... "The Last Question" is really good, look into it... yeah, science fiction mostly but it's a start... these stories kinda give me hope... maybe this whole time wasn't the overabundance of wiles, but the misused of them... thats been my problem... or how i don't put them to good use... i really should stop recycling music... in fact... this world's been pretty glum lately... nothing stimulates me... how they say art, and science, and philosophy, expands one's horizon... not feeling any of that... kinda just rotting... nothing happens... a kinda wish, but i'm just a bit hesitant lately... been spending a little too much time there... i knoe... tired... the one thing i love about science fiction is the optimism... they are so optimistic, that humans don't blow ourselves up,that each man is great... ofcourse all these classics were written in the fourties and fifties... i guess man had to have a little levity in the post-war era... but i see that many of them can still apply today... these portry humans to have survived millions of year, to be united, to overcome war, hunger, etc... this is the next night... hmmm was grocery shopping today... bristol farms rich neighborhood... there was a toy donation collection out front... its interesting... back home... middle class area, in front of the library, the toybox would always be over flowing... but here, its bare... not a single toy... i understand as well as anyone that no one is obligated to give anything... that the only real reason why people give is to feel good about themselves... im not saying that people should be compassionate, cuz for whatever reason, there's gonna be some happier children around... phooo... what am i doing... chaff in the wind... hmm, best laid plans... actually there are no plans... almost succumbed today... realized that there was nothing to lose.... everything to gain... heres the thing... i knoe all the reasons... i knoe all the teachings, the logic, and yet, i can't bring myself to... it seems the i live without the use of logic... wasting a gift... living hell thats what it is... but what am i doing about it... for now nothing... i really need to step back and reassess... it kinda hard nowadays... not much time for myself... even when im alone... so many distractions... things to do... i'd rather be search in vain for escape than let my own mind wander for more than a few minutes... something's wrong... very wrong... we just have to move on... "there is no hell like a life unlived"... misquoting from What Dreams May Come... i don't knoe why im so drawn to that movie... it think that was still back when i was optimistic about everything... these people, even in death, their love for each other was so strong, that he almost lost his soul to bring her back... beautiful... life's not like that i guess... i think this really is a product of the world we live in... i hate blaming society on things... i believe that we have to live with what we've got and assimilating into the society is just a sacrifice we all have to make... but my one disagreement, my one gripe, is that this society gives us too much lies... lies in the sense that all they feed us is with false hope... commercialism, entertainment, politics, medicine even... all the wrongs in these can be summed up into false promises... buying a product won't make you sexier, voting for this guy won't lower your taxes, taking this pill won't make you feel better... its just the way that the world works... and i guess we really have to talk all this stuff with some salt... now i qualify that we also should live like fanatical skeptics... (it sounds like a contradiction in terms, but its really not)... all this hope, has got me hoping that everything will be alright... i love saying/thinking that "everything always turn out alright" ... and in truth its been a pretty good motto up till now... but its a very passive way to live life... this world-view makes it seems like our future doesn't need much tending... but i guess im wrong... i guess im wrong on a lot of things... things happened, it didn't tur out alright... or maybe im just not seeing things through, i haven't actually looked at the big picture over time... i guess only time will tell... and everyday it seems, we knoe things sooner than before... frightening...

2006-11-07T01:30:00.000-08:00

simple... hmmm i guess no is as good a time as any... I've never vocalized my beliefs... why the heck not, i talk about everything else here anyways... so i guess the greatest question is: why is faith the requirement of any religion... not in the the sense that a religion is defined as a system of beliefs... or i guess where im going with this is, "why is christianity based on the requirement of faith"... it could'nt have been anything else... so far, the answer that i've received is that faith is important because we are endowed with free will, and we must choose to believe in the gospel... ok, and God is gonna let us choose our paths, and just by showing us himself, its basically giving us no choice but to follow him... ok... but why the choice in the first place... was it not enough that he could create beings that had no choice but to worship him... but he had to give them the possibility of falling away... what does it say about the glory of god when there are those that don't choose to follow him? thinking too much... about other things too... man, where's my motivation... there comes a point when all i feel is that life comes by me, and all i have to do i fulfill what is asked of me... the rest of the times, i'm just content in staring at little peices of code, at random nonsense... just wasting time... life just feels so blah now... i saw this drawing on the floor done with tape the other day... a man's pointing a gun at his head, and the subtitle was "love me"... why does that look appealing... they say that art is great because it is relevent... its kinda scary when i find stuff like that relevant... just thinking too much... know what it is? i don't grasp my opportunities correctly... actually maybe its all in my imagination and they never existed in the first place... what happened... there used to be a conservative me i remember the "I don't like to lose"... made safe bets... but now... hmmm pondered this thought in my head the whole day... about a horrible way i could classify myself... the consequences... and the realization that if i start seeing myself this way then... i ono... desolate, bleak, arid, bland, subdued, frosted, hollow... oh yeah, i really need to start running again... so i went home this weekend... parents where pushing on to me that i need to start worrying about the future... grad school, gre's... stuff like that irks... now that i think about on the subject of my blogs, i realize that its made up of a whole lot of disappointments... not because things are bad, but because i read too much into situations... i guess im still too optimistic... should i change it?... i love how life is just made to silly things like that that don't agree... theres no one simple solution...i guess my one passion in life... simplicity contradicts with the essence of life itself... things just aren't that way are they?... oh well...

2006-10-24T07:23:00.000-07:00

Heres an unhappy thought... because, im like that: was thinking about my past... you know, generally... they say that a person is the sum of his experiances... i want to believe that it is true,... putting some obvious innate features aside... humans are pretty much just a blank slate.... "tabula rasa" if you will... (oh and, two people actually asked me what defenistration was.. heh)... so i thought about was i actually remember... i notice that i dpn't actually remember anything too well.. i mean their there, it's just that everything seems so murky... maybe this is why im not really certain about myself a lot of the times, is that i really don't know who i am... a lot of what i remember revolves around sad times... or good times went sour... just like how history books are shaped by wars... maybe its human nature to mark time by these kinda moments... one funny vivid memory actually, there was this one time, i was walking down the quad in junior high, i thought to myself, (like now) how i don't have memories of a lot of things, so i purposefully stood there and soaked every single detail... the grey bricks of the MPR, the green fence, the orange lunch tables, the people walking past... silly no?... maybe i should do that with every moment of my life... other things i remember oh-so-vividly are the embarassing times... they seem to just replay over and over in my head... past lies that didn't work out as well as i had hope... awkward moments in which i just didn't know what to do... kids in the playround laughing at me... and mostly i remember my mistakes... it's not true that there were no good memories... tiny accomplishments... marching in front of a crowd... stolen kisses in an elevator... its just that i don't refer to these during daily life... actually, it was hard to even think of those... why do we put so much emphasis on the bad times?... been yelled at a lot... maybe not even yell... asian parents have done this thing where they can yell at me without even raising their voices... this translates to my relationship with other people... im sure they aren't as mean as they seem... some people's tone of voices... reminiscent... was talking to Yen... i love how she can see through me so well... am planning on graduating this year... so she reminds me: "just dont [graduate] cuz u cant see any other options, do it cuz u want to" (i also love how i bracket the fill-in)... but really what other option do i have?... not to counter her comment, but as a realization that i really don't know where i am headed... when did i start feeling so subdued?... i hate it... not even feeling like putting rice in the cooker... decided to get pizza instead... when when... tired all the time, and i don't know why... i get more sleep then i've ever gotten... sighz... fixing progging assignment so that it could be implemented into the next one... not in the right frame of mood to do it... important things seem like a dream... cant remember if somethings actually have happened... can't decide how i feel about most of them... then again, i can't decide on how i feel about most things... never like this... i remember how i have strong feelings for a lot of things... ok took a couple hours break to talk to Jess... that was random... that was educational... that made me think about a lot of things... im not in control... i guess i was satified with just wallowing in my own self-pity... no more... tired... the key to being on mountaintops is that you have to walk down... slowly... do you believe in miracles?

2006-10-14T00:37:00.000-07:00

yeup... ok, blandness... forward or backwards... this is how alot of people live their lives... many look forward and plan ahead and living in preparation of the future... while others live looking back and "never forgetting their roots"... im pretty mixed on this topic... in one hand, its not uncommon to find me perusing through the od yearbooks whenever im home... but on the other hand, i refuse to let that tether me down... in another respect, i feel that this isn't a good thing to live by... just looking ahead and then turning back once in a while... just living in the extremes... what about the now? i guess its all a matter of balance... hmmm i want to make the world right... pray for me, i surely need to meditate on this one...

2006-10-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

thanks

2006-09-23T02:19:00.000-07:00

ok, lets try this again... its been bad... weird thoughts are going through my head all the time... i want to clear my mind of all this shit... just that it doesn't seem to go away... haven't blogged in about a month... now school is starting again... was on campus thurs and fri (obviously)... and i ono... i just got really tired... pissed off at things that were just on my head... i don't really know why... its all a mental game... life is... your actions are dependant on the way perceive the world... and the way you percieve your world is through your actions... vicious cycle... the level of weird thoughts have just been getting out of hand... at times, i have to actually stop dead in my tracks and just take a breath... it's bad... i can sense it turning me into a bitter person... my theory was correct, it really does turn you off to a lot of things, and now a lot more so... not been able sleep too well recently either... i mean i get lots of it... but i just don't feel like it... vivid dreams lately... not all bad... i believe that dreams were meant to teach us things... i read an article on how dreams could be you brain sorting out the information gathered throughout the day... and it make a lot of sense... so in a way... your dreams are just manipulating the data randomly to get the peices to fit together... but thats where the learning takes place... the met this guy one the bus... ex-navy, then ex-con ( iono, i like talking to these ppl on the bus... interesting... and you never know what you're gonna learn)... so this guy i guess was stationed in asia for a while and picked up shinto... "there has never been an unselfish act"... see, i've heard this one before... and up till recently i din't want ot believe it... but now.... i ono... oh and then he told me about the time a guy tried to kill him with an axe... but yeah... or maybe im just a selfish person... it's always about me... really, when have i really cared for a person... i guess no one wants to admit to things like these... so here i am now... i am a selfish person... i have never performed an unselfish act... ok, changing the topic... i tink i know what i want to be now... a computational linguist... just an idea... i like computing, im starting to like linguistics... this will be perfect... sat in front of the IPA phonemes chart today and tried to pronounce everything... /dzeI/... thats right... okay, im done... night...

2006-07-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

so the thing is is guess i'm too self centered... maybe the harshest thing to say to yourself, but there comes a day when you hav eto realize it... slowly it's unfolding to me, and it kinda is unerving... i hate sitting in the dark... mind goes crazy... when did i feel to subdued... nothing seems bright... fate seems so fickle... so i promised myself before, that i wouldm't beat myself over about things... don't let it hurt me... somple enough... had enough... can't breath... i hate how all i can think of is myself... only creature in the universe, and i have to be the worst... programmed for fun today, haven't had time to do that in a while... hungry, i think im just going to go to sleep... why do i let myself be affected like that... people aren't stupid... how come they have to act that way?... not stupid... bad conotations... i mean more of ignorance... i have nothing to provide... this is all i am... isn't that sad?... hehe... weary minds are weak minds... i think i'll sleep early tonight... tomorrow is always a better day.

2006-07-24T23:55:00.000-07:00

and here is the second post, the one that really doesn't give a shit about what other people thinks, the one that gets me in trouble... maybe im just tired and all the wrong wrires are overlapping in my head, but these fantasies seem so vivid... so before we go any further, and you're wondering what kind of fantasies i'm having, yyou must realize that when i say fantasy, i'm talking about even that have next to nil chance of ever happening... fantasy, the person in my fantasy, my optimal self is daring, he doesn't care about what others think, and he doesn't worry about getting hurt... fact is, fear... thats a lie, not really afraid... it'smore like anger and pissed offness... i really don't have a warrant for these feelings but i feel them none the less... a few things that caught me off gaurd these last few days... i was getting on a bus, and i almost ran into an elderly man because i was on the phone... the bus driver remarks: why don't you look up once in a while... seriously, if i was my bold self, and if not for the fact that he was driving the bus that got me places, i wanted to lash back... i've heard that all my life... for the first half, the perfect chinese son, stares downwards, never meeting the eyes of an elder, them i came to the US, the first time i got yelled at in class, all the teacher would say was "look at me when im talking to you"... you really should be a steward of your tongue... another thong that happened was i got jealous... i've been put up against others all my life, and i never realized just hoe surprising some of these situations may comeup... nobody is forcing this onto me, it's self induced, i knoe that this is stupid... it just seems like that the standards are incomparable... i will never be able to overcome... it really isn't my place to, not yet, maybe never... this is where resentment comes from... jealousy... i am jealous of this person, he has something, that i want... and thats where bitterness comes from... im tired... on more then one level... that doesn't mean im going to stop blogging, and it doesn't mean i give up that easily... when i first has this thought i knew that this will become a problem... why am i feeling like this?... so pathetic?... cycles... at least this time, it's reasonable... actually no it's not... i guess i just need that opportunity... i've had it so many times... how many more chances am i going to get... best foot forward... it always ends up like this, i cna't sleep, i'm typing in the dark... giving excuses... know what?... this time it'll be different... i won't stand idly by... frustration... i am sooo frustrated... am i too posessive?... am i unreasonably jealous... im at least keeping the outward appearance decent right?... this cannot be healthy... where do people get their strength?... am i just endowed with less... i can't say that it practiced... it's just not me... sad music in the dark... fate endows unevenly... i've learned to realize that... how do i compensate for these misgivings?... the best way i know how, or that i have practiced has not been successful.... fantasies don't happen and thats the sad reality... it isn't my place to wish for them... wishing don't amount to much... you don't juss will a miracle to happen... miracles have to be worked for... so how do i work for my miracle?... it seems like i can't... not my place... not my decision... pause... is that just the nice guy talking... was trying to be the "nice guy" for the longest time... not nice, er but chivalrous... hasn't worked very well... i'm really not like that... i was always told that i was a good student growing up... but the only vivid memories i have were of talking out of turn in class, what happened?... i used to be stupidly outgoing... it's like a stretched out game of poker, and its nearing the end, and all i can do is hold my chips, and watch is taken away by the blinds... i have a sudden craving to listen to "ode to joy"... this piece is genius... you really do feel joy listening to it... heres a short excerpt:" Joy, beautiful spark of the gods\ Daughter of Elysium\ We enter fire imbibed\ Heavenly, thy sanctuary." the third lines literally translates to "drunk with fire"... that should be how joy is supposed to be felt... frustration... nothing lets it out better than the crisp tones of a violin... still frustrated, i should try to get some sleep... not really helping myself... nite nite sweet dreams

2006-07-24T21:27:00.000-07:00

so, it's simple... i still haven't recognized my cycles yet... or not really that, I haven't been able to tame them yet.. are they just an extenson of the reality we live in? or are we really actually in control... life experiance has taught me no... in fact we really are in control of very little things... two places i hate being... parking lot in fron t of ts emporium, and the verizon store... i don't knoe what is it about those places... so one of those time again, do i cut my losses? am i really losing?... fear... so was talking to esther on the phone one night, about human nature... are we really all just self serving?... i've always hated that... but it really does fit in well with my belief that people are evil... so, maybe beyond all my gut hopes about humanity, that we really are just a bunch of selfish people... so then the ultimate test of a person's character isn't what they can do people, but how efficiently he can use people... or unobstructively... maybe the thing is that nice, charitable people are just those that don't complain when they give... hmmm, irony maybe on the up... old excuses... sorry dude... now would be a perfect chance to do something... seriously... what do i have to lose... this whole cycle again... i remember going through this in highschool sophpmore year... brain vs. heart... i don't knoe why i thought they were mutually exclusive... but i remember, my buddy icon for a couple months became a man with a heart stabbing a man with a brain... while im reminiscing about this, i remember that also was the first time trying to create a webpage... it had a giant last of people and links to their sites... everyone's names were normal font, but anna's was rainbow, bolded, underscored... silly childhood... and thats why im here... again... you think you;d get over it by now... but its harder than i thought... so many chances, so many possibilities, and i think i've wasted them all over and over... segue... what is the worth of a man?... i knoe the answer... time, every man is worth his time... what else do we have?... money?... thats just time we've spent earlier earning it... fame?... that takes time... the end-all cost of everything is infact the time allotted to each person... and thats all i have to give...

2006-06-20T01:20:00.000-07:00

okie, so the thing is is that i had an epiphany a week ago, cept i forgot what it was and it was important... i totally know what the consquences are, and my life view totally reflects it, i just can't remember what it was... that milestone stuff they used to teach in sunday school, no joke... turned down the music i was blasting... yeah, i ono n/e more... haha soo freeing.. emotions reflecting the times... indirect haha... stop stop... backup... this talking by myself... i really shouldn't publish these things.. i thought they'd be healthy... in a way they are but totally not helping... interesting conversation i got into the other day... truth and all actually, more like ongoing... why does relativism seem to be more and more poignant, more tempting... been catching up on my calligraphy... might as well do one thing right... bleh... i don't get it... i seem to be able to relish most of this stuff, but how long is it gonna last, how long before my crazy spiral begins again... guys, you have a cycles just like women do, time you realize it, maybe not monthly, and it maybe not a physical thing, but as soon as you realize the whole world is cyclical, the better... seriously, i really need to break out of mine... i know exactly whats gonna happen, not gonna stop me... why is this happening? not really fair is it? what exactly is my point of reference... I guess it is better if i can realize this folly... yeah, thought the upside looks good, you know how there are always this little voice in the edge of you mind yelling at you? always there, always there... I really need a new topic for these things haha, yeah... i love how it must be a requirement for things like these to sound philosophical?... a bunch of BS... i mean, philosophy lacks application... was writing my essay about abortion in my final when i realized this... this crazy situation wher a mother needs to choose between her life by aborting the child or saving the baby and die of a cancer... yeah serious right?.... baloney... is a dying mother really gonna sit there and contemplate on the ramifications, and moral righteousness of saving the child?... no, if she's selfish, she'll abort the baby, if she's selfless, then she'll sacrifice herself... simple as that... legislating morality, thats a problem... in my perfect world, the church and the state would agree with each other, and morality would be agreed by everyone, and peace and love everywhere... but nope real world... thats why... real world can't cope with the logic that philosophy has to offer... people just aren't that way... we are very instinctual beings still relying on gut to make decisions... when was the last time a murderer stopped to think "hmmm i have a 67% chance of getting caught, should i gamble i freedom for this revenge?"... no, he'll just go setab the guy... people really shouldn't ignore how much stuff actually happens on impulse... ridiculous... it's about one... too late to do something i really need to... i wonder is it even worth it... i understand now that the whole thing was more like a fantasy i chose to invest in... stupid... childish... in different eyes they may seem "optimistic"or even "revolutionary"... but in this harsh real society... nothing like that can ever happen... we are the disney generation... oh yeah, therre will always be a happily ever after... how many kids actually do not knoe that phrase... now ask bring up "a penny saved is a penny earned".... a good safe maxim, i bet more kids knoe the first, and where it came from than the second... thats just the mentality we grew up in... the knight in shinning armor complex... for both genders... for example aladdin, a genie saves him... its totally ingrained... more recently... garden state, the boy's trapped in an endless cycle of depression, and this highspirited girl comes and saves him... seriously... i'm not saying that some people need not be saved or it's not good to go try help people, but that expectation... the expectation of a happily ever after... why must it be so?... my back is itchy... sun burned... maan, am i out of shape, played some volleyball at the beach, and i'm still sore after two days... heh... who knoes what the future holds... why must i keep planning for the future, the blessed/cursed eye-opening outlook on life... where has youth gone?... i guess that's about all i can do... i to complain... complain about why things have turned out to be the way they are... i guess thats the question of humanity... i'd like to think that destiny exists... that there is a purpose... but isn't that lazy? or thats untrusting... just to be able to lay your burdens down and let fate take its toll... i love this illusion... what we are sure is that... we certaintly don't not have the illusion of freewill... that must mean we either do have free will, or the illusion of it... for me, i fail to see how the two are different... i guess one can ask if a caged bird is content... the answer is that caged birds don't starve... take it as you will... but if this cage happens to be as large as the universe, who is to tell infinites apart?... why can't we except the fact that there may or may not be freewill, but we should just try as hard as we can anyway irregardless.... untrusting... i ono what to think anymore... global consciousness, call it god, call it fate, call it gaia for all i care... it is undeniable the the universe is tending towards something... and the other thing is that we don't knoe what its tending towards... haha... i love that beauty... i think if the universe were any other way we'd never have fun... how much doom and gloom if we knew exactly the date that the earth would blow up, or how hard we'd work if we knew there was a paradise for all of us... i guess it's really uncertainty that drives the world... the stock market at least... buying and selling, heh.... hammocks are comfortable... was lying in one today in the park... staring at some trees... time slows down... time speeds up, all at the same... wish i could do that more often... wish i could do that for all eternity... bliss... nothings... passing... i love this view... man builds a machine, it's about order... a computer how intricate the components all need to be placed... nature builds a machine, its is out of chaos... just the sheer luck, or pure genius, the randomness of osmosis can keep the the salinity balanced... amazing in both respects, its just the approach to each that strikes mee as different... i laid down on the ground to get some shuteye before finishing this entry... i could feel myself swaying... must do that again... alright im off to have some good dreams... night night, and sweet dreams

2006-05-27T17:15:00.000-07:00

it's easier than you think...

2006-05-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

when you're just desperate... trying to find meaning in the smallest things... every nod, every song playing in the background, every way the sun shines though some trees... maybe there really is no meaning... just our gullible humanity read into mundane objects... then look up at the sky, over to a mountain, the shear greatness... the humbling reality that among these monuments of creation, i really am insignificant as i seem... so why?... so what?... what those things should me is that I am almost never lonely... that my problems really aren't that great, that there really are constants in life... im tired, i really really am... of just everything... deserve... what do i deserve?... nothing... i feel so numb... things really don't seem as facinating as they used to... i can still reminisce on how the crisp smell of morning air, the flowing tones of a melody, or that first warmth of a shower used to confort me... but now not much really... why has the daily trudge become my only reality... darkness, silence... thats what i really like to have now... hmmm all this time to myself, you think i get more time to meditate... but not really... it's just more and more work... diminishing returns... new phrase i learned... its not even that... just so much i expected... thursdays... logic design lab, then wind ensemble... so predictable... maybe i should be a hermit... what are people thinking?... really... i'd like to knoe... i kinda gave up on that recently... just blindly living... didn't even occur to me... i guess maybe this whole thing... and i mean the entirety of it all, i will oneday just look back and laugh at myself... i wonder how old i'd have to be before i'd be before i could do that... time flies... how do i stop it... i want to sit here in an eternal rest... to think things over... reevaluate my life... maybe that the problem... i should realise that i don't have that kinda of time in the world we live in... i am just wasting my life on thinking about it... when salt loses it's saltiness, what do you do? throw it away... but what if you are the salt?... blandness... days are like that now... how far do i have to go to make you understand?... i wanna make this work so much it hurts, but i jsut can't go on living, keep on giving with the ways things are, so im gonna walk away - martina mcbride... talking is so much easier that doing... is it the sense of security... what is it?... why?... crap, this hurts... to degrade... semantics is everything...

2006-05-16T15:50:00.000-07:00

too many sad stories.... mine doesn't have to be

2006-05-14T18:31:00.000-07:00

what it is, is that there really is nothing to look forward to anymore... it used to be that almost every weekend, or even everyday, there was something to look forward to... like an event that would justify the rest of the cruddy day... but those don't come by as often as they should anymore... or it's just that I really don't value stuff as I used to... yeah, younger, i could afford to philosophize back then... but nowadays... it really isn't worth it... there's just so much more to do... wait, then again, im just sitting here blogging... so i will once again... what is love? heh, i remember starting a blog like this a long time ago, and having people laugh at me later... but yeah, as ridiculous, the notion then... it equally is now... so i will now idiotically try to understand it... love doesn't exist... hah!... not in the way we think we understand it... society has basically screwed ourselves when we decided to lump a broad spectrum of unrelated terms under the collective umbrella of "love"... language really is one very important determinant on how we perceive reality... for instance, we call money "the greens"... but if you pick up a dollar bill, its really black... and only green on one side... same thing, we percieve love as this great big unified feeling in which we can relate family, hobbies, and food... when in actuality, there are a multitude of different loves... a parent caring for a child, a child respecting his parents, a husband uplifting his wife, a wife supporting her husband, my disposition for fried rice, the enjoyment i feel when programming, a soldier's duty to his country... in all these cases, we call them "love"... this is detrimental... should we really love our country as we should love our wife or our fathers? ... no... so the question really is not "what is love"... but how should I love given my circumstance?... it isn't true that all these loves are mutually disparate... if I love my hobby, I spend time with it, if a man loves is wife, he spends time with her... so in this general sense of love, I can safely say that to "love" is to spend my life with the object of my affections... isn't that a jump time=life?... no really... no matter what creed you believe, you cna't dny that are life is basically the time spent on this earth... a martyr sacrifices his life in the sense that he relinquishes the remaining rent on his life... so if we love something, we spend our lives with it... simple... So then all thats left is how we love the people we love correctly?... iono... i'll figure that out one day... just that there is a difference... who gets to define what is the correct way to love... a stalker may define love to be staring a women for hours on end... others may define love as the amount/quality of sex they share... is it God that gets to define this... I am taught that God loves me (another type of love)... this I don't deny... and the biblical definition of love and the way that God's love is a metaphor for the way we should love others... its a good start... you dont' have to believe in God to believe that it really is a good basis... the qualities of being forgiving, unwavering, devoted, etc... but can a society really incorporate that?... none have... its something to strive for... but unrealistic... us being fallible humans... your husband cheats on you, no matter how much you love him the result is that you may not trust him as much... love shouldn't be stupid... do you keep loving him? my answer is that "you should" even though it is hard... but not fully recognize that he should not be trusted alone with another woman... but where is the love in that? i guess the question is does love have to be returned?.... obviously, the husband doesn't return the same kind of love that the wife is trying to share... and in a way it shouldn't... the rule returning love, maybe is to return the type of love that the spouse expects... how about if the husband is blatantly trying to leave his wife?...no love at all/wrong kind of love?... actually, im tired of this... doesn't apply to me... the self-centered/practical person in me is trying to figure things out and the philosophical side was taking over for a while... i guess my question is, is it stupid to love without love returned?... parents everywhere... no returned love, but not stupid to keep loving... then is that the kind of love i am limited to?... do I even deserve to... what am I deserved to... am I entitled anything?...

2006-05-13T03:24:00.000-07:00

so it was sungod today... i ono juss some stuff on how i really am introverted... I can't even pull off a call correctly unless im blindedly tipsy... but yeah... foun aout a lot about myself... which is like the worst excuse in the world i think but wth... i ono... tomorrow is another... so I think I will just pass out right now... see ya guys...

2006-05-12T03:18:00.000-07:00

ever felt lonely?... you're sitting somwhere... could even be surrounded by all your freinds... and then suddenly... pangs of loneliness... i don't understand it... at all... man... song stuck in my head... cantonese songs recently... nost recently it has been this song called "day and night"... it starts with this line (my poor translation) "Because we planned to meet at the wrong destination, our fates have now changed." how easy is it to miss opportunities on things... or maybe its how we really don't have any control on things... that we really are just drifting slowly on this river of life... tiredness... of alot of stuff... at least somethings don't bother me as much as they used to... good or bad... relativism?.... wtf... music pisses me off sometimes... i love it to death... but i really don't get a good share of good ol' silence... silence is really sweet if you think about it... its actually really hard to find these days... i really can't afford it on a normal basis... just good night, im tired...

2006-05-08T02:32:00.000-07:00

I'm a terrible person.... one particular thought thats been going through my head... i realize now how self-centered it was just to think it... personal mantras... something about something...

2006-04-10T02:27:00.000-07:00

the difference of night and day... its got to be the moon or the wind or something... when you sit alone and meditate and think of the possibilities that can and never happen... you realize that meditation never really accomplishes anything... hope is a fallacy... why would anyone need hope if something will likely come true?... i can hope for something... that is my want... and yet if i don't actively grab hold of that it will just be blown away like chaff in the wind... this particular case i have no right to... scum of the earth... selfish bastard... exactly... somethings wrong... somethings wrong... something does not add up... what if elegance does not last over time? the plan's been fine up til now... but something is wrong... i don't want this i don't want this!!! oh my god!... i've seen this before... i see a blog entry years from now... i just wish i had done this way back when... i wish that... i wish that... i guess that since soph year... it's not that i haven't changed... its that the problems of become harder... this is how the government works... to keep everyone from knowing everything... i'm tired... it hasn't been this bad in a long time... i think i'm depressed... yes thats it... it explains all the over sleeping, the feelings of emptiness, the random backaches, the distractedness, the constant confusion... everthing...how how how... nothing makes sense... it was supposed to all work out... it was perfect fool-proof... so perfect that it seemed to be destined... you knoe those moments when you could see the future... when just everything everything was made apparent... i had one of those... a while back but it was there, telling me that its gonna be okay, and i was gonna settle for that... i would be happy... and then nothing... emptiness... as of now... quarter after midnight april tenth of two thousand five, i don't knoe... i don't know... that feeling you get when someone leaves... thats what that is... i used to get this feeling of emptiness after someone leaves from visiting our house... maybe its not that the fun has ended... but because people are leaving... somebody's leaving right now... not even leaving... not from here at least... they weren't here to begin with, and in retrospect, i was never really there... thats why i have no right... its like complaining that some was cutting in line when you yourself had someone stand in your place... it's just wrong... something is wrong with that too... so nothing is right... oh yeah the M in MIT stands for Mass... bleh... not gonna stop me... im not going to need to refer to that... every waking moment... paranoia is just a phobic form of self-centeredness... i need to scream... nowhere... at no time... does this really warrant this amount of verbosity?... no... in fact it is quite simple... i know why i must do something for these particular reasons... and i know why i mustn't for these others... that encapsulates all the reasons and excuses... now... ... ... ... ... the hard part, the part thats been fucking screwing with my head all the fucking time... is to pick one or the other... what scares me is that fate is really real, and to that end, my actions will have no effect on the fabric of our existence... that decisions are just illusions that god gives us to comfort us... what do i have to lose? if i really am willing to dedicate this much of myself pining over this, why am i still fearful?... it's gonna be a long night... why won't people just leave... i just can't match any of their energy... night and day... thats the time, but thats also the difference... its the separation of the feelings... i was mad... angered, not mad... i don't really know what the anger was for, or to... maybe i was trying to find a feeling that wasn't apathy... but laughter just didn't feel appropriate... like my feelings mean much anyways... feelings meaning my emotion, not my disposition... i really don't need that right now... i kept telling myself that i was going to concentrate on studies... thats an excuse... why must the world change... can't people stay where they are?... ships need their port... i think i'm just selfish to think that i could be the ship... i would go home, and there was one thing that i would look forward to doing, i guess thats why i'm selfish... shes told me this before... not wanting to hinder her path was not my idea... excusing excusing myself... great... messed up... messed up... meanig it was fine... compartmentalization... theres only one meaning fro this word to me... the reason they have this on ships is that when one part was flooded, you could close the bulkhead and let the rest of the boat stay afloat... it doesn't really work for feelings... compartmentalization just keeps things under pressure... what does the sky look like?... time just kind of flies by...i forget the reason that i do things... know why i first started to drum?... it wasn't because i like that sound of percussive instruments, but it was because all the cool kids were doing it... blame... blame... i keep blaming things... i keep thinking of thinking about events in terms of blame... i guess i really need to take responsibility for my actions... i can't concentrate... why is this a crossroads of my life?... i've never really felt anything as being crossroads... events are just intertwined... it all flows... linear... but now... it feels like it really is linear... sound-proof doors my ass... nope... two nineteen am april tenth, two thousand five... nope... no reason to despair... hope is like someone dies... nothing you do can bring them back... so why despair... only one thing i need to do... sleep, cuz tommorow is a better day...

2006-04-09T01:53:00.000-07:00

new outlook... if its meant to be, its meant to be... very apparent from the moment i just had... i went to earl's right after seeing denise, yen, and brian off... i bought a diet coke, some hand soap, and mentos... chatted with the girl at the register... and realized that i am really dispicable... all of my decisions (even the ones i don't act upon) are based on very limited foresight... hmmm my new years resolution was to be more decisive... yet... can i really say that i've wanted this more than anything else in my life? things scare me... they really do...now i just really don't know... you think about somehting so often that you just self reinforce the preconceptions you've made about something, and you don't stand back and reevaluate the circumstances under which those decisions were made... the decisions themselves... simply simply... excuses excuses... i am so afraid that all i have done was to excuse myself from the things i should have done... it's just not simple

2006-04-08T04:41:00.000-07:00

can't sleep... ever have something you want so badly that you may reconsider heaven and earth for? i know its for completely the wrong reason... it's freakishly selfish... but is there really wrong with having something you want?... its not really wanting something... its a matter of losing something... i don't want to lose something... part of me wants it, while the other part is telling the first that its better to abstain... you knoe what it is?... it's an excuse... me thinking that i can excuse myself out of it... really i don't want any reservations on my account when the final decision is made... i don't deserve it... i've blown it... twice... same lousy reason... it really is what it is... just fear... if i can only put that aside... what am i afraid of... theres just that overwhelming feeling of authority all the time... i can't help but to think of it... what should i do what should i do... the only benefactor will be me... maybe... see why can't i see it from the other perspective... i know why... or common knowlegde would tell me that i've actually driven myself into this little hole with some of my habits... deep dark hole... why am i so bitter towards it? that whole thing about hating sin... you really can't hate it if you're the one commiting it... but then whe others do... blam!... i guess it's not really even that... i just don't know i just don't know... two giant reocurring theme in my life i guess... one side tells me that i've got to give up control.... that other side says that i'm too passive and that i should try grasping more things within my power... why is that... culture... society... nurture... excuses... we say that that the humans are innately evil and then we say that the nrture from our society s evil... torn... man i haven't use that word in a long time... torn torn torn... so that quote i found i like... "its not getting what you want but wanting wat you've got"... some country song i know... but yeah... applies... its not calling an action "settling" but seeing it as "not taking something for granted"... i mean those times i really truly feel blessed... i pray more often now... only for this one thing... so selfish... kinda ironic isn't it... when people are in dispair... there's only one place to turn... and it's a god... whether its the god of money or the god of lust or the true god... or buddha... whatever... i just don't knoe... then again... everything always turns out... it always does... wait, thats once again a really passive way to look at things... should take a more active part in it?... short note... the devil doesn't need to do any great acts... all he has to do is whisper into one persons ear and say "you want it"

2006-03-20T03:13:00.000-08:00

what if everything will fall into place like i think it will... i hate how my mind can't decide if thats good or not...

2006-03-08T23:06:00.000-08:00

tomorrow is another day... im usually right... did something last night i was proud of... or stupid... or not really pride, just suprised me... felt like taking a stroll at 3 in the morning... hey why not... walked to like muir... sat at that little garden thing on the snake path... always wanted to do that at night... yeah, randomness... now sipping on a mocha... i don't even like coffee haha...

2006-03-08T00:03:00.000-08:00

so what is it?... truth is one thing... our minds are another... what is truth for our minds?... why is it so easy to lie to yourself... is it cuz im weak?... tired of it... why does my head play tricks on me, telling me things... stop... please... nothing happens anyway... never has... i feel like im wasting my time... feeling... maybe they're right, im basing too much stuff on feelings... what is feelings? maybe its just an excuse for the fact that our heads really can't comprehend some things... the pessimist in me is talking... what happened? how did i come to expect the worst of things... theres only two ways that humans respond to something new... by fearing it or laughing at it... really... i really fear this... its not that new actually, its juss i fear that i am getting used to it... all my life i have been taught that it is correct, and now that it inadvertently becomes reality, i loathe and regret it... when you are used to something, it takes a long time to forget... maybe i am right, i really don't feel as much as i think i do, i just can't accept the fact that i may not be able to understand this... i think of it all the time... most of the time i guess im juss reasoning myself out of it... placating my fears, giving myself a false feeling of security... in the woods, which road do you take if the signs point everywhich way it feels like?... the expectation is so heavily paved, and the contractors can't agree on a reasonable direction... the bricklayer, all he does is sit there and place in whatever he can find... still sick... i guess we can't all be self consious pricks... i love how ppl can play that off so easily... so i've been busy for the past few days... and maybe thats why imm tired... but thats not really it... i feel so lazy, theres too many hours in a day, yet there are never enough... why is that... so these past nineteen years, i've come to develope a pretty good understanding of the world... my perspective, my beliefs, my philosophy... how crazy would it be if i was completely wrong... so hard... so easy... i can't even bring myself to do a simple thing as such... it's so difficult though... maybe i am pessimistic because i don't understand enough... "can't get a job without work experiance"... a catch 22... maybe maybe... i should be a historian... i never really create, just collect... when plans fail...

2006-02-07T11:45:00.000-08:00

ok, i knoe the reason why we have wars... every single war ever... every single dispute throughout history... and thats... differences... duh you might think... but really, this is why people don't agree... somebody somewhere realized that they are different than another, and they think for some reason that they are better... it maybe justified or not... only to be judged by historians and the victors... i for one believe that all things are designed... (on a side note you proponents of "intelligent design" call it what it is... it's creationism... who else could have built this thing the designer designed besides the designer himself... the term is just trying to repackage something that you think can't sell by itself... i think it's only unpopular because opponents are silencing it)... so these differences were designed... to teach us something about how to live... no idea why i was thinking about this... while we're talking about politcally correcting religion... God is male... one fo the injustices of feminism (not that it's all bad, but every revolution goes morally awry overtime)... theres a reason for that... remember how i've said that everything is a metaphor... God is male because He is the father, the husband, and the lord... these titles serve different roles than their female counterparts... which i guess this argument won't hold much water against people who believe in equal roles in marraige... once again... those roles were designed for a purpose, and it goes back to the belief that there was no creator... hehe reminded of a the time in senior when assigned to debate on a random topic, we argued against women's suffrage... "they've been suffraging enough"... as a joke ofcourse... some girls actually agreed in the end :-p... phooo.... but think outside of the box for a minute, back when there was no suffrage, how much more peace there would have been in the home if the wife had to submitt to the decisions of the husband... now you're thinking, "this is America, what kind of freedom is that?"... and now i say to them, that freedom is given... it is not a right, it was won by our history... it should be a deemed a success of the government that most of the populace is so comfortable with it to the point of taking it for granted... now think, if women had never decided to want to vote, then really, no rights have been impeded... ofcourse this is not a path to where we may return, and im not saying it is better one way or another, but as always, hindsight is 20/20... the whole ignorance is bliss thing... one tool that is used by all wars is labelling... just by calling a different group a lowered term, it makes it easier to dehumanize... in the crusades it was the "heathens", in the 50's it was the "commies"... prime example: "prochoice" vs "prolife"... these terms imply "anti-life" and "anti-choice"... best response when asked towards a bias i've ever heard "you pro-choice or pro-life?" "I'm pro"... another PC'd topic which i refuse to rant about... i close... there is nothing wrong with women trying to persue a career, just realize it will mess with child bearing, and the time that a child deserves with its mother... i promiss no more political rants for a while... i don't really like it... just little things bother me... traditionalism is now taken to be undemocratic... the feminist/racist/anti-religious argument is used too often... i guess one of the things we must learn from these differences is not to quote them whenever we are offended...

2006-01-29T19:11:00.000-08:00

So, blogging off of new cell... When i was young i was told that if i told anyone my wish, then it won't come true... Now in chinese "dream" and "wish" are the same word, so the naive chÃld i was put two and two together and reasoned that if i told people my nightmares, then they won't come true either... So, yeah i just had the worst nightmare in a long time... Was so freaked out that i just kinda sat there in bed and could not move for a long time... So at the beginning i was fooling around with a girl in some hotel room... Then for some reason the police took her away... Oddly, we were hiding from then since the very beginning... So i chased after them for a long time... Whilst stewie from the familyguy and bob sagat as the fullhouse dad tried to kill me with axes... So i chased them all the way to mexico... I ended up on a beach with miles of piled up boxes... As i got closer to these crates, i saw that they had names written on them... To my horror, i peered inside of one of these crates and saw that they were full of body parts... Further down the beach, the boxes were more torn up, their contents spilling out... I saw that the bodies were rarely complete... And some were not even dead... A lady in a crate missing her lower half screamed at me and asked where her husband was... I noticed that the boxes were grouped by surnames, so i opened the adjacent box, and she let out a blood curdling scream... I then threw up... As i walked back along the beach, looters ran past me carrying body parts... And then i woke up sweating... So the first thing i tried to do was to interpret it... One explaination i got was the frustration was talking about... It fits especially with the beginning, one rated-x detail that i won't mention... Why does this topic haunt me so much? Couldn't get good sleep lately... You know what the problem is? Men can freely express their feelings now... It used to be not even be socially acceptable for a man to rant about life... Gone are the days of "suck it up, man"... Hmm... One more thing i need to talking about... The problem i always have when going home... Two conflicting sides of me: one that sees the virtues of what my Parents command, the other wants to be rebelious... Once again, title big ball of hypocracy... More later... Yeah, at home now... Well in the fullerton station at least... Just saw mr. Knox, good to remember your roots, and the people that got you there... Know what? The world's kinda pretty if you look constantly 5 feet above the horizon... Just past all the cars and people... Once again, very tired... Oh,yeah another one taken, hehe ... Why am i constantly thinking in terms of that? Why must life revolve around that? Maybe its just how it is for me... In a way that is a good thing as success for me will never about money and stuff... But what if the rest of the world isn't like that?Â I've digressed on the merits of leading a secure life before... It comes to a point when one has to consider such things... Wow only one life to live... I guess i gotta figure these things out Sooner or later... And its not gonna get easier... Hmmm forget what i was gonna say earier ehh... Saw groups of goths today, it is true that everyone need a group to belong to... Even to such extremes.... wow... that was the most expensive i've ever written... had to send four PIX msgs to get the whole thing in... so about a buck... soo worth it.. heh... how annoying, blogger adds extra formatting to ur text... hmph

2006-01-25T04:39:00.000-08:00

can't sleep thinking too much or something... weirded out... what're you thinking? to lay off blame... humans are simple creatures... so stupid... unremarkable

2006-01-17T16:25:00.000-08:00

whats that called when ur trying to breath and you can feel a litto rumbling in your chest? yeah i got that... bleh lying in bed and can't really sleep... a bit annoyed... hmmm, cofidence...how do you gain it? doesn't it seem kinda paradoxical, or wrong word, but just a crying shame that once you have no confidence, it kinda gets harder to build it up, cuz all your failures tend to push you back down... alright, that whole thing with the stupid alarm clock again... i swear, im waaay too paranoid... not like my sleeping patern is that great but... really, it also can't be that bad... alright, something else that can't be that bad... hmmm before i get into that.... the phrase "i was lead to believe" and "i was always taught that"... one more way that ppl displace blame... i mean, at some point they must have reached the point when they can think for themselves... but without further ado... i was always taught that if i have to say "it can't be that bad..." then it really is that bad... another one of those answering for urselves things... little feeling at the back of my mind that just keeps nagging at meeh... how and why... i wonder of most people feel it too... or is it that their just "depraved"... im feeling things that i have always taught never to feel... im sure i had a dream last night... seemed interesting... can't remember a single thing about it... once again, i wish i lived in the old days... the computing industry juss blosomed and it is possible to know exactly everything about a computer... so when going to a banquet sit at the last seat so that you may be invited up... i like that... learn your place, be happy with what you have... saw this movie recently, lost in translation... having an affair was acceptable cuz they weren't happy with their marraige... yes happy and thankful thats important i think...

2006-01-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

whoa, the blue thing grew... tiredness... so yeah this is the new year... met an interesting man coming back from home last night... it is true about the whole disillusionment thing... didn't get his name... met him on the bus, and we juss started to talk about the economy, vietnam war and such... found out he was born and raised in less fortunate family on the east coast... growing up he aspired only to become a factory worker... and live a peaceful life... that is until he got convicted... i ono, i guess the moral of the story is the frailty of security... i look at my life... its actually pretty sweet... most of the time not a care in the world... i don't deserve to complain... frustrated... on thing is that i can't to hear the alarm clocks in the morning... (whoa, right after i said that, im complaining already...) but yeah,i knoe how to fix that.... other thing... i finally why they call it a frustration... what they mean by release... i don't think i need that really... not right now... too many things to sort out... too many things to still decide upon... so what am i still thinking?...apparently the things i've tried haven't been successful, so time to restratigise... im so tired... the new quarter came like a brick wall... the topic is pretty interesting... theory of computation.... heh, big words... hm something i must rant about... you know what really grinds my gears: (heh) people who shout the answer in class to a problem cuz they learned it somewhere else and think their smart... no sign that they reasoned anything at all... so yeah, this new subtitle i have up, big fuzzy ball of hypocracy... took me a while to really realize that i am indeed a big fat hypocrite... (working on the fat part -_-;;)... im not worth the words i say... frustration again... many times its hard... carry out something that you say you will do... i guess one thing that im struggling with that is i don't think highly of anyone who can't do what they say... including me... not the most helpful thing for building up self esteem... knoe what i found out i really like... silence... just the peace that comes along with tranqility... like at night when everyone's sleeping... just to sit on the balcony and watch the night go by... or midday nap when everyone's gone off to class... so silent... music, many people don't understand, is the balance of sounds and silence... hmmm if this compsci thing doesn't fall through i'd really like to go into psychoacustics... or however you spell it... how people percieve sound... why do some sounds bring about fear or hope, or strength... like ever listen to a four measure phrase, and felt a sense of incompleteness during the third that is then fulfilled by the fourth... or how C-D-E makes an Aminor song sound triumphant... stuff like that... mad... at people who are hypocritical... they probabl don't know it, but how do you even approach people like that... people who find assurance and confidence in what they believe... belief... actions speak louder than words i believe... or the lack thereof... it is very true that a man may be measured not by what he does for people, but what he does by himself... in that regards... i know that i am a terrible man... i guess i know myself, my thoughts better that anyone and dcan only judge myself... now taking into the account that i may juxtapose this image with the images of everyone else in my head... and it makes me seem really lousy to myself... maybe everyone feels like that once in a while... and this is why i can't stand hypocrites... they have the pleasure of imprinting a glorious picture of themselves... in people's heads... and maybe they can lie to themselves enough to believe that they are this great person... thena again, how trivial is this, to compare men with men... when all will fall short of the glory of God... hmmm, it really is tempting to try to ignore his presence... be the king of yourself... how the devil was spawned... i love how it is fated things are just analogies of everything else... to be able to see relationships in nature and in humanity or even mathematics that describe each other... it really makes the human experience easier of understand, if everything could be seen in simpler analogies... i guess this is the way humans were wired... english teachers these days forget to tell their students... that the reason that they are gleaning alalogies from literature is to practice that one day, they may learn to take meaning from life itself... it really is beautiful... i have a giant blow-up of the sistine chapel picture in my room... more specifically, only the fingers of God and man... what is interesting that michealangelo painted is that man shys away from the other finger... while god's hand is outstretched, adam's is retracted with a large bent on the wrist... the artist wasn't stupid (but at the time heretical)... he really does understand the nature of men... that humans are inherently bad... and shys away from things that seem more glorified then themselves... hmmm, i guess that makes me human...

2005-12-06T04:07:00.000-08:00

one thing about college, it lets you learn, but it doesn't let you think... you don't really get to think about anything... actually it really doesn't teach you anything... so in the end, everything you realy need to knoe in life, you gotta learn urself... was watching old education film from the 60's on the history channel... they really don't do that anymore... seriously back then there was lessons to teach you how to go on a date... taught behavior, taught ettiquite... the society needs this stuff these days... kinda corny/cheesy/overplayed ain't it? to blame society on things... but i think that there are truths in that kinda stuff... society really isn't what it used to be... we fall into so many perversion, that even i'm starting to believe that their normal, and the "old ways" are just "uptight"... heres a mental journey... really seriously, what would the childhood self say about you now?.... wow im a mess... oh man, they totally stole my idea with that scifi show "the triangle"... hehe my childhood fear was that the bermuda triangle was gonna expand and engulf the US... silly times... might as well... another fear in my dreams... it actually tured out well in my dreams, but if it was actually reality, i wouldn't knoe how to deal with it... unwise... unwisdom?... stupidity thats the word... what i did was stupid... moronic, lame.... wait shoot.... omg.... i've been pining over the same thing for the last ten weeks... loser... bitch.... i guess thats all i do... how lame... i guess i have to get over it... baq to the childhood thing... man, never in a million years... or never in 12 years... still thinking about it... hmmm think of going to audio blogs... face it im a slow typer... takes meeh a hours to do these things... i guess those things only set meeh for fantasies... seriously... can't really escape them... im afraid... decisions... im not really fit to make them, and past decisions haven;t really been that wise... i don't think that future ones will be wise either... its all a lie... i knoe exactly what i have to do, i just can't bring myself to do them... don't science consider that a medical problem... with the brain at least... addiction thats what it is, knowing that i have to do something yet keep on doing something... if wisdom comes from experiance, should be wiser now... yet... still so many urges to make bad decisions... how come i have to sort this whole life thing by myself... why is love the focus of my life... interesting thing that an english teacher told meeh once...one day, her father asked her: "do you want to be be known as you, or a man's girlfreind"... i think that thats really true and applicable... why do i base my outlook on life through these means... maybe cuz i was built to be a family man?... heh, not the way im developing... but yeah, how come i can't see myself as other people saw me?... probably im just sick of it... i heard it so much as a child... ooo talented, gifted and all that BS... thats all i was to them.. lets see i was certainly not athletic... not for long... not skilled.. not handsome... not well spoken... nothing i could've worked for... but i was praised for something i could not help but to have been born with... yes, it may have been a novelty as a child... but it has to real-world value... heck it doesn't even have survival value...so i have to resort to the only thing i know how to do... or resort to thinking about... wait, why exactly am i trying to figure things out, or rather why am i trying to blame things for my characteristics?... it should be my fault... i want to learn to farm... to work the earth, to at the end of the day, come home and be a true "breadwinner"... to feel good about having accomplished something... to make use of these god-given hands... face it... compsci can only feed the rich... while it it true there must always be a rich... and not that the world requires a rich, but in the sense that it'll never go away... i guess my purpose is to feed that rich... debate about the space progam a few days ago... one thing occurred to meeh, thing like pure science, and movies, playgrounds, even politics, its just entertainment for the rich... you see third-world countries, they'd never even consider to fly a man to the moon, their only aim is to feed the hungry... as with us, why isn't that our goal? we should feed the hungry... why is it that i get to pursue my dreams...it used to be that the child grew up to be a hunter like his father, later he was an appretice to masters who accepted him, then it wasto grow up to fill the family business... but for the first time in world history, and man can grow up drop all of his father's trappings and strive for his own goals... ever notice how even white looks gray in the dark?... worst metaphor ever... not that it doesn't fit, it is actually very applicable, but the implications are terrible... to me, this is the only reason we learn literature - to read too much into the read world... maybe we're supposed to... we see a hard working bee, and we teach that metaphor to a child... humans were create to understand metaphors to infer abstraction... i mean, love.... thats abstact... how do we even relate the care of a mother and the infatuation to the wife... weird tie if you ask meeh... someone to who'll watch over me... great song... paradox i've come by... fate is strange... anyone could be the right person for you right?... but on the same note... anyone could eb right for you... how do you knoe if you've missed her, or if you're gonna pass her by? why does this keep buggy for anyone can be that someone... why do i even believe in that special someone... im not special... im really going deaf, had to pan winamp 33% to the right when listening music to make it sound right... pun not intended... i think i know what im interested in doing... compsci specializing in embedded systems... distibuted computing, miniturization, all that... more and more so im pretty sure that what i want to do... really its the future i think... at least thats what i've been wasting my time on the past few days... i don't get it... i really don't... good night, or morning...

2005-11-09T17:46:00.000-08:00

fear... walking back from AP&M today... just thinking.... noticing a trend around me... i probably have said this a million times... the loss of innocence... everywhere... one product of that is a lowered expectation of everything... i mean, really... some times i wonder... these mind trips are unhealthy....it might be where pessimism comes in... i think i can talk abou this for hours... kinda depressing actually... not depressing as it is more of a painful realization of reality...

2005-11-08T04:31:00.000-08:00

whoa!... staunch realization!.... i knoe exactly why i do the things that i have done... so now the point is to come up with a resolution to this problem... the question is if it is inherent... in that case, it will be something that i will have to overcome... but that crappy list i was talking about... so, the second item has been found... juss neither is easily detectable... jeez, i wonder why it took so long for meeh to put this together... i must have realized it five or six times independently... but to generalize it... whoa...

2005-11-05T07:56:00.000-08:00

wow, i said something that was totally a lie... that i saw the best and worst of human nature... nope, just the worst... fate has the most twisted ways to teach me lessons... but at least i've completely learned em... i hope... not saying that all the events that has transpired tonite did so to teach me a lesson, for that would detact from the gravity of the situation... fate really has interesting ways... had another dream... you knoe what dreams are? their tools for fate to to teach a lesson... without hurting anyone... its seems that the day make me grow and the night kinda puts growth pills in my water... seriously... strange ways... one thing that this dream taought me is a that i don';t have to be responsible for everything... ( the least of the lessons)... really, some things, i just put my impulsive care into, but have no real value wheter my contribution existed or not... hmmm, actually, thats kinda depressing, if i involve myself into useless causes.... err causes that i can't contribute to... makes you kinda rethink the way that ur doing things... the chicken in my sandwich is going bad... i can kinda taste the weird feeling... actually i know what that weird feeling is... water for chocolate... food is indelably tied to emotions, which is tied to music, which is tied to literature... i guess these are really spiritual things... music for sure... the skippy cd put in tonite dampened the mood... a spiritual thing... tribes will dace around music for hours... spiritual thing... heard something about the base rhythm reminding a person of the heartbeate in the mother's womb... i guess that could be true... so yeah... i guess never again... i really never felt the implications of the other side... and i really don't have a reason to complain about that... at there are worse situations... i really don't think i cna do justice to the gravity of the situation with the amount of words i can words that i can use... amount being different from number... the sad thing is: the whole world will gloss it over in the next few hours... it might as well never have happened... zure a few people will have to deal with the consequences, but most of us... just happy little lives... so the title of my blog... goes for everyone... you can become famous, become rich... but the great equalizer will come one day... and all were left with is so speak for our little lives... hmm im gonna make a stephen king reference... In "the stand," the most chilling phrase in the book was "No great loss"... describing the deaths of common people that had no relevence to the plot... "no great loss"... could be the stor of our lives... if we don't do something about it... nite

2005-11-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

maan... can't sleep so im blogging... im geting pretty god at typig with the on screen keyboard.... never really figured out what the thjng was used for... too lazy to get out of bed to use the keyboard... yeah i guess im really nt healed... note t self: gotta bettrt sleeping habits ... iono, and that hole organization thing... bleh... i think that im starting to understand the sentiments of some of those ppl out there... i mean if you really think about it, they're juss a bunch of annoying whiners... movie crash was good and very true in many ways... im juss kinda sick and tired {quite litterally i might add}... hmmmm the validity of superstitions... i think that once one has been established the mind juss works to reinforce it... kinda like scary imagery where the association of horor is a mental thing.. funny how we hve to all fihgure out things for ourselves... it would be so uch easier if teachers only had to osmose their knowledge instead of every generatiion having to relarn everythng of the past... think of how far science at philosophy would be now if this were true... i guess some important things such as muscle memory (though it is a product of th brain} must be renewed everytime... heres a hypothetical question... lets say that two freinds both had a pot of gold...

2005-11-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

That was different... What is it about dreams that ficinate us?... maybe its the alternate reality thing... i guess its same for hallucinations, acid trips, and movies... i could totally see my everyday thoughts jumbling up... hehe the sodoku dance... yeah stuff like that... it was cool too, the girl of my dreams was dancing it... odd.... yeah both were in it...there were flashy lights.... hmmm made chiken today... so now meal points are reserved only for earl's :-p... its good being on the ground again... hmm, i realize that i run funny... i'm putting too much stress on my hips... now their gonna be sore for the next week... another realization: i can't type... llike i tr looking at the screen, and i can't type... a bit annoying... ehh... now im tired cuz its five... nite

2005-10-22T03:20:00.000-07:00

ok, at home and the comp decides to die so my last hour of typing disappeared... but, i still gotta get stuff off my chest, so heres another hour... yeah home this weekend... caught something unholy... a cold maybe... really not looking forard to the recovery or whatnot... yea t'is the season... not a great time to get that chronic bronchitis/ alergy thing either... yeah, soon i won't be able to wear contacts for a while again... gah... yup, so im at home again... stranded without a car... been an interesting two days... some old freinds... its kinda a good thing to see other'd perspctive on how i've changed... haw they're changed... sad ish, actaully... wheres our innoncense?... how they're changed... or how i've been left behind... read something i wasn't suppoed to today... broght meeh to tears... know theres still truth... so many knights and knaves on this path... cept what do you do when the knights themselves have started to lie... in that case, the problem is unsolvable... kinda had to stand... didn't really shock meeh at first... most cases, people can tell... is that actually how good people are at lying?... is that how good i am? i was?.... i guess people juss stopped caring... kinda hurts... see, in the old world, even the knaves could point you to the right path... maybe the point isn't to distinguish them... i don't think it ever mattered... still you want to point the knaves, no?... yeah i need a good talk... I-- (C-notation, yes, im a geek)... but really... i think i just give up for now... so much of meeh doesn't want to... there really isn't a good replacement... actually what am i talking about, there is no replacement... when an addict goes off weed, he'll go for coke... i'm trying to change... aren't we all... realized something today... logic really doesn't appeal to meeh... rephrase: my gut can speak so much louder than my head... thats not quite right either... or that i learn better when i feel it... it like music... give meeh a sheet and i can't play for crud... but someone else play it for me, and i understand what he intends with it... then i think i can play it too... not quite the right analogy... gotta let go of my life a litto... or juss don't believe in luck so much... that seems kinda contradictory, but it really isn't... so how do i not become that knight... its if i don't direct anyone... i guess i don't have the authority to... and in all honesty he doesn't either... can't say it... it ain't right... but the thing about leaving the offering at the alter... i understand... its really hard... so yeah, talk i didn't need... not that i didn't enjoy it... what was it, digging up old wounds... not really wounding .... whoa... this new thing... made me forget about everything else... wow, how disporportionate my mind is... i really can't just concentrate on one thing... not the right time for this... not the right time for anything... actaully.. i wanna travel... Madrid taught us this... how do you knoe that the pyramids are really out there? you've touched em? thought not... that'll get my mind off things... actually in that case you really don't have a choice... flights of fancy... heh... it'll never happen... i wanna do that... have more life... you knoe, the last fourteen years of my life have been devoted to studying... maybe, juss maybe i need a change in perspective... lots of people say they want a college degree to help ppl... see, for meeh, i've never seen those people... actually, i don't really knoe how computer science actually helps people... i knoe more and more, nowadays that computers are solving pharmecuetical problems or designing dams... see as always, the rich become richer, the poor poorer... i really don't knoe... maybe ill be a doctor... hahah -_-;;.... wow reminicing again... note for the future: i had a freind in hong kong name angel that lived next door... mann... mean thoughts going through my head... hatred eases the pain?... maybe... or its juss late at night... coughing's getting worst, and i really need to get some rest... something's keeping meeh up... this unknown music is actually pretty good... i don't know it, and it never ceases to suprise meeh... ok... im done... nite nite...

2005-10-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

then again, who am I kidding?... not something you can put down easily... ever heard of seasons?... very nice theory... actually its an excuse to be lazy... mementos... memorabilia... reminicient... nostalgia... soo many words in our society to describe a personal past... funny, i like thinking and pining about mine, when it really is no big deal... tons of people have worst pasts... walking along la jolla village drive, or villa la jolla whichever the other day... passed a veteran on the side of the road... how sad must his past be... and here i am complaining about mine?... funny people... yeah, i've heard that thing like "we all have our different trials in life" ... BS.... the fact remains he was begging for coffee money from college students... so the question remains, does money really contribute to happiness... and the answer society would like to tell you, beleive it or not is that it doesn't. I mean watch a movie... "oh, the good things in life are free", or "i'll be happy as long as we're in love"... was debating about marriage with a freind... what makes a good married couple?... is it love?... i mean, tons of people claim to be in love... at first then soon fall out of love... im not saying that money will make a good marriage, but how much more time and energy can ou spend on your wife if you didn't have to think about paying off debts and whatnot... im not completely cynical yet... there are tons of people who enjoy their lives simply making ends meet... yet, wouldn't it be easier?... sidetracked... so... i dunno... i guess people aren't given the luxury of chosing their financial stability... i really can't comment... seems kind of like a far-off jump anyways... but omg, im 19... the average age of an american male to marry is around 26... so in about seven years... chances are..... maan... i ono... i guess i've had about three times that to think about things... but people change with age... maybe my views would change before that... but still... seven years... pastor told me once... and made so much sense... at the time... "marry young, so that you can spend more time with the one that you love"... makes so much sense... hehe reminicing about the "six white horses" song... sidetrack... so yeah... the thing is that its sooo against all the teachings i;ve ever known... maan... the chinese culture... i ono, i was thinking about what life must've been like in the past (and some remote places) when the institute of pre-arranged marriage was still.. instituted... i mean, the almost freedom you would have... to knoe for certain you future spouse... its like death, since its inevitable everything else will not be takenn for grant... backwardsish, i knoe... why not... sigh, im spending waay too much time thinking about this... and ofcourse... im always right about one thing... and sadly it still holds... nite nite, or actually i gotta right an essay, now that its 3... ciao

2005-10-10T04:20:00.000-07:00

first calm night in a while... i may knoe the solution...

2005-10-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

the minds is truly a terrible thing... really... its where fear and despair comes from... you see a scary movie, and its not what's in the movie that frightens you, its the meaning that your mind attributes to the images that makes the movie scary... also, in many daily instances... what i need is an open parking lot.... somewhere to scream... its the best feeling in the world.... hearing yourself scream just for the screaming of it... and then... it's all ok...

2005-10-07T01:10:00.000-07:00

i had a revelation today, but i forgot what it was so too bad... stuff... never knows best... im not a quitter, what can i say?... blah... excuses... i guess its not good to quit... nothing's where it should be, yet everything is in place... the gears are turning away... so a little story about a man... he has been injured and struggles to make his way into a hospital... yet, he is afraid to tell the doctors that he is ailing... so this is his logic: to dress up in a doctor's robe and see if the wouold heals itself... it just might... the thing is that... it won't no matter how many facades there are... or is it just this time of the night.. really, so the mail never comes... with good reason i guess... maybe the mailman's dead... stop blaming the sender... and this is how self delusion works... always the deliveryman's fault... i wish i had read waiting for godot so i can quote it... ehh... but yeah... i guess things never turn out the way i always thought it'd be... i pretend that ppl care more than they really do... or its juss the time of the night talking... seriously... maybe i'll sleep earlier tonight... hah... this insomnia is a bit addictive... totally not what i had thought... seriously, from the point of veiw from last year, standing in that cirle, or square... w/e... really, noo idea... i guess ppl aren't freindly as they exude, if that makes aannyy sense at all... hmmm what i need to do this year at least once is to eat spicy korean noodles while blogging again... found a kind of zen in the action... or just a weird meaning put to some meaningless action... useless... pointless... meaningless... howmany ppl are described as such in the world, wouldn't it be dreadful if it happened to you?... the things is... im lost... why must the future be sooo uncertain?... way of the world, w/e you want o call it... freind told me an anectdote a few days ago... seriously, the world can be so unexpected... so perilous... and in a way repetitive... so proves my theory... that fate is cyclical... really, fortune forces you to reconfont many of the failures in the past... so my count stands at six... not that they were all failures... but even fools learn from the wise... and even fools don't make the same mistakes a second time around... a good question of separation was brought up about a week ago... haven't actually sat down and thought about it that much... but i guess i realy need to... even those that are younger now strive for it... follow suite?... kinda hard and unforgiving... sighz... either way... there is no dichotomy... nothing is good, nothing is bad... i hate it... the thing is, doctors tend to save patients instead of other doctors... playing that role for many years... learned nothing... hmm shoujld cube myself see whats the outcome... haven't done so in years... still, that model is waaay over simplistic... wonderful if it really worked out that way... i can't remember my last cube... must have been bright... nope, i was wrong... like always... its ok though... its a bit expected... actually i may know why... then again, im juss talking myself through it again... such a bad habit... not my fault... i feel like passing out... so sweet dreamz... historical note, first person to say that to meeh online was yen-ba, who was two years older than meeh in high school... funny what we can remember....

2005-10-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

so, my grand conclusion is that the mind is weak during the night... not that the intellectual ability will decrease, for I think better during the night, but that it is harder to resist alternative thoughts... i guess the difference betweent the night and the day is not of the darkness... though it maybe.... why do we fear the dark and is drawn tot he light... the color black... it cannot just be the lack of photons bouncing around... its not really one of those relative things... dark is dark, light is light... i guess its because we attribute light to warmth... and when everyone else isn't asleep.... that primal fear of loneliness again... maybe thats it... these feelings of uncertainty that come at night is the product of the uncertainness of the night... the loneliness of sleep, that is why we dream... how many lifetimes i've spent in dreams... hmmm i've noticed that dreams always end perfectly with my waking... there is no more story to tell... finis.... anymore would ruin the story... i guess as one grasps for conciousness in the morning will use his own worldly logic to continue the story... to fill in the gaps... to write an endig that he wants... if dreams are the secret desires that one transpires throughout the day, then i know exactly what is it that i want... to be loved?... hah... such a folly... the shocking thing is not that fact, but that may first reaction is one of pragmatical cynicism... sad ain't it?... to be pitied?... maybe... one trend i seem to find in my dreams is that of fulfilling impossible desires if the day... it does seem to fit the mold ut theres something wrong... i don't constantly thin about these things during the day... maybe once in a while i would cross my mind... but my occupation is different... occupation of the mind is wonderful... cough season is back... my yearly battle with bronchial what-nots... fun... i tend to win every year... i intend to do the same this time... maan, i remember junior high when my bronchial attack would come during drumline season... such a bad time... nyquil's really kicking in... i can't even hold my head up now... feels kind of intoxicating the edge of reality... maybe ill become addicted and dependant hehe... but really potent stuff... listening to chinese folk music, have no idea how soothing this stuff is... time and place for each kind of music... wow im realllly tired... this is bad, cuz nyquil will be potent for 8 hours, when my class is only 5 hours away... at least i'm not coughing not... pattern, how the brain notices things... i mean im talking and ur understanding cuz you have a pattern of what these words mean... thoughts start to gobble up in my mind... so ima going to bed... talk is cheap so goodnight

2005-10-02T13:46:00.000-07:00

alright.... so now im 19... biig whoop... though noted that this birthday was sooo much better than my last one... i ono... dreamed last night... girl of my dreams was there... she owned a small record company... is it that i am jealous of being left behind... the real question is why does she always appear in dreams... when reality is so far removed in fact and in acceptance... its juss that these dreams always leave meeh a bit empty in the morning... or something.... looking baq on the year... oh shoot alot has happened... i think everything that has changed occuring within the last year... the little rollercoater of our lives.... ascended and dropped last year, and now im juss cruising along... giant realizations... girl of my dreams... how many lifetimes i've lived with her in my dreamworld... its true, how some authors and playwrites depict the dreamer trying earnest to hinder the inevitable awakening... it was like that... heh, romanticaze my sleep... still really... it is true that time heals all... juss this week, much better... i mean once in a while still, but its reasonable now... to the level of the previous... heres an analogy:... if a cake is a for one person then the piece will be huge, but if i distribute a few peices to people along the way, would that person still feel special when they receive it?... the obvious question is no... then how can one build any houses or even firm foundations later?... and the peices are irretreivable... i think God truly made us with one thing that differentiates from the beasts... and i dare anyone to refute me, and that is the power of analogy... or abstraction... w/e... we look toward situations and it is comparable to other situations only because we humans attribute meaning and form the analogy... hmmm, this is something im really interested now... how humans think... i still like compsci though... maybe theres some way to combine the two.... i ono... so lets say i;ve found who i can llive with for the rest of my life, will that girl still appear in my dreams?... i don't know, i don't know... o yeah: innumerable... such an ugly word... Too numerous to be counted; numberless... that describes one of the things i've been counting... i guess its bad... ill write more later

2005-09-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

crud...bad time to have weird thoughts... its about 2:30 int he morning, and im juss starting hw... for the whole week, i;ve been wondering was everything worth it... iono... isn't that sad.... interesting discussion this week... made me think, while they might not have realized it... but yeah... one question for myself, right now, if the person i love is someone i can't live without who would it be... who would it be?... i hate reading guyshy novels or watching movies... not that i hate them... in fact i envy them... the feeling of my heart doing flips when the hero makes a wrong decision... i ono, what if thats all the feel i get the rest of my life?... we are so saturated with hollywood.... californication... thats what it is... man, i really need more sleep... weird thoughts come easier when that mind is weak... like right now, im driftin off to sleep , and all i can think about is stuff... maan.. no more scrabble at one in the morning, cuz those games last a long time... actually i think my internl self-defense is kicking in finally... the more i tink about it, the more I realize how foolish i am... but then another thought comes in that says i could improve on it... i guess thats how things are... I really can't escape from it i guess, all part of growing up or sumething.... I remember a story that was once told to the youth group by uncle byran... i ono if i could have his strength... in any respect heh... but really, sometimes i juss wish for it... its mostly what i think about nowadays... this place is haunted... or sumthing... eeryweird niche is a crazy faroff remeinder off it... but really who can i no live without? its not for me to decide is it? i mean... this whole this must be decided upon by both parties... self-delusion is easy... really, lying to myself is soothing at times... makes feel feel like i have more control... control,... how stupid is that?... i could get run over tomorrow, and I would have no control over it... i love how humans try to control every part of their lives, and find out that they suck at it... really, how many lives do you see go down the drain because they wanted put themselves "into their own hands"?... sighs, i ono why i even try... is there a difference in that, i mean trying and taking control?... i think one of my downfalls is blurring that partition... cuz, in my head i thought, hey if i can't change n/e thing, why even try?... sooo wrong, all that i achieved from that was nothing... how much time i spent jjuss trying to give responsibility away, or to rely on the work of others... thats not quite it... most of the time i prefer to do things myself... but that type of control, or initiative never translated into impetus to excel... that may be my downfall, using fate as an excuse to be lazy... (these really no reason why to euphemize things n/emore)... was invited into a group a while baq... even though this thing isn't formal or n/ething, i could not agree to the creed, i would have had to lie... how do i live now? ... its really not that hard, juss a little bit of others-delusion... stressing at times... facade sucks... talk is cheap.... good night

2005-09-24T03:48:00.000-07:00

This headache... this pound desire in the baq of my mind... what is it?... its so constant and unwavering... i can only think of three way to get rid of it... one way's waaay too slow, one is fast and one is safe... juss reread senior yearbook... maan.. how i've changed in other ppl eye's... my own even... coughingish... my once a year cycle of bronchial infections is back... is okay, its been steadily getting better every year... the worst its been i remember i think was during drumline in 7th grade... was practicing vibes when i couldn't stop coughing... the instructor was a newbie almost freaked out and tried to ease me with cough drops... really not that bad now... but baq to my headache... i ono... i don't even knoe why, but i really should not even care about it...

2005-09-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

What is love?... is it the undeniable need of another... i think not... I mean i have feelings of need towards some people too, but that in no way determine my love... is it the "fuzzy feeling" you get? i ono, i've never felt the fuzzy feeling (or i juss have never loved)... that makes meeh kinda sad, or frustrated, that I have never loved... why does it have to be so incomprehensible... why couldn't humans juss follow and rigorous algorithm like a computer, or a math equation?... confusement... I hate it, all this wondering... remember meeh saying haw this is the theme of my life... love lost or something romantic like that... i have found that to be very anti-climatic at times... isn't that true though, we may all secretly be wishing that our lives would turn out like romantic movies how the man runs into the heroin in some coffee shop and then find out through some weird connection that they were meant for each other and then ride a ship off into the sunset... we've all wished that, but how come it never turns out that way... the mundane lives we all tend to live... no fairy tales happen... i think i have become somewhat of a pragmatic over the years... can't trust any thing to luck or fate... why can't fairytales be true?... i don't even knoe when's the last time i believed in the tooth fairy of santa clause... its the world, its society, innocence is disappearing... kids are raised today to grow up faster... noted that its a move baq to an older system where children were expected to be adults by the time their sixteen or so, still there is so much more time to be a child these days... this reminds meeh of an old christmas song: "toyland, toyland, little girl and boy land,/ once you leave you'll ne'er be able to return." and this is particularly true... innocence i guess in that way is something that is precious... but i guess thats the price of adulthood... more like a tax, an unavoidable payment... the government will one day get even... so this applies to love in that i guess love is no longer the touchy-feely live-by-the-moment it once was... it has become an ordeal where one has to wonder about repercussions, about consequences, about logistics... I used to believe that a couple can live on love... that they can be happy and stay afloat just by living in the precence of some magical aura... but now I knoe that they must worry about bills, and putting food on the table... what jades us?... why does the brute of the world have to be revealed to anyone?... how happy this world would be if we could all juss live in that magical aura... talk is cheap, blogging does nothing...

2005-09-06T18:39:00.000-07:00

first post in three months... maan i really need to blog right now... and once again im gonna restate the thesis of my life "ignorance is bliss"... it implies that knowledge is actually very painful... yet, we all try to knoe as much as possible, so in a way, we are very much like masochists... the only difference between normal people and people who cut themselves with knives is that one doesn't realize it... ignorance is bliss... read a few books in intelligence this summer, had nothing else to do besides reading, went to ragin waters yesterday, realized how small the thing was... but yes intelligence... the brain is nothing more than a place we hold our memories... so in that respect it is just another organ... the soul is the thing that discerns the value of these memories... when i say memories, i the sum of all experience whether recent or long past... this fact haunts me... that we are inseparable from our past... not that it is a new realization or that it wasn't intuitive... but it was able to pin-point a lot to reason behind my actions... one implication of this is that we will never forget things that have happened lest it changes our character... and there lies the problem... we cannot forget the past... the ugly chapters of our lives... and well as the embarassing and regretful times cannot be erased or ripped out like in a diary... ofcourse many people would wonder "wait there are some things that i don't remember" but i claim that you do... since the brain remembers temporalk events it is likely you have to trace backwards to a familiar event before recall an obscure one... i just realize how many regretful things exist in my past... how many times i wish that i had taken a diffent course ... the two most powerful words in the english language is indeed "what if?".... and also the most destructive for a person.... "what if i wasn't there at that place?"... "what if i hadn't tried..." regrets... pain is useful because it instructs, fear is useful because it enforces, but what about regret?... what physical or evolutionary purpose does it serve? is it spiritual?...nothing, there is no reason for regret... i would rather learn a lesson and be fearful of a taboo rather than to be regretful of it... maybe it means that i haven't learned anything... in many respects, i haven't... i still fall into many of the same fault as i didn't a year ago.. fervor does never solved anything... all the little mementos of the past help reinforce my regrets... everywhere i look in my life, my tiny habits, physical memorabilia.. all do that... help... i am not just a computer that can bbe reformatted.... actually, it all is pointless... regrets... one reason many people love movies, and long drives and social gatherings... it take the mind away from itself... the most horrific things in the world reside in one's subconcious... the reason why we are afraid of heights isn't because the fact that one is elevated causes fear, it's because we have been told that being high up is dangerous... that tiny fact is then reinforced again and again as we live our lives... i envy books, characters in the books... they live their timeless existence in the control of others... when a person doesn't feel like reading a book any more, he sets it down and walks away... o harm done... the characters don't mind, the author doesn't really care... in fact people could care less... but our lives aren't like that... they cannot simply be laid aside... we can temporarily with the the many escapes available, but it comes screaming back at you... regrets, it keeps on screaming at meeh... i guess there is much i regret... the best thing i can to is learn to deal with it... what is the couse of regret besides an unwise choice in the past... i mean we as humans are constantly unwise... maybe it's the magnitude of some of these decisions... i am at a loss... things that cannot be undone... for the time being, is guess the answer is "deal with it"... nothing can be done... how many ways can the heart be divided? how man times can it be given away?.... between work, and school, and hobbies, and the wife and asperations, and exgirlfreinds, and broken dreams, and lost freinds, and regrets... when is the damage irreversible?... wat if i' already at that limit?.... what can we do?.... pray.... i think its a good time to redefine a few terms... for myself... sex: people tell meeh different things about this, and by reasoning this subject away, and redefining it over the years, i have justified many things... now , the definate term is, an act of intamacy... think about it, how do we bound the amount or degree of sex except b an arbitrary line... it is painful for me to say, but i will venture to note, that this too will be redrawn later... pornography: material that leads one's mind to wander... i mean shakespear was a pornagrapher, leading with the lush language of his... maybe im depressed... took a self-help quiz... im mildly depressed... good enough... even though i can't get rid of memories i can get rid of mementos... hard... how do you throw away the past?... infornography... a trem coined by an anime series... the addiction to information... yeah, i have it.... scientists have it... they need to know everyting about anything... and that is our downfall... i know too much... i can say that already... its nothing secret... then again, the world knows too much.. or too little both now seems to be disastrous... i wanna go on a journey... how do you know the great pyramids of egypt even exist... so much i think i know... but it is accepted at face value... ok, i think im being long winded.. going to borders...

2005-06-05T02:38:00.000-07:00

juss needed to blog.... once again, lotsa things happen between blogs... i mean i blog like once a month... tons of stuff happen... and i ono... something i realized a few minutes ago... shoot, im really lonely... i ono... i ono... i ono... thongs happen that make meeh feel lonely... by no means am i isolated... i hve people surroud all the time... its basic a matter of quality than quantity... its not saying that the ppl around meeh now are of low quality ( those some i woukd hesitate to say otherwise) ... for starters i realize that im not as tolerant as i first thought i was.... many things piss meeh off now... i try not to show it... heck its only a few more days... what the heck... but the matter i wanted to talk about is i h=guess this ritual that happens now... im glad that it happens... it a vent for loneliness, i guess its also one way to grasp on to the olden days... then again, its depressing watching other people move so fast past me... i dunno if i can ever keep up... im so tired... this ritual, reaffirms the conjecture that people, all people, are basically afraid of loneliness... i mean, why are we afraid of death... its cuz we fear the void, the parting... no ones afraid of death for the pain... we fear not being able to see the people in the now... we fear being separated from the things that we hold dear... the things that remind us of who we are, the landmarks of our lives, the cornerstones of our personalities... we fear that we will lose them, to the void, to death... why do babies cry? they fear not having their mothers, the most primal of our fears... why are we afraid of hell? cuz we are parted from God.... lonliness... thats why i love it, i know there is someone to listen to meeh, that why i love blogging, at least the server will hear meeh... i guess we juss crave attention, iono, not necessarily an attention that generates a response.. i mean i tyoe this blog all the tyme, no one ever says n/e thing baq... its not depressing... one thing i realize about it... its a way for meeh juss to think, to read back to myself what im truly thinking ... right now im listening to static over the phone of denise presumably sleeping... its slightly soothing... i can hear nothing except the static, not even breathing... but i knoe that theres another person on the overside... and i was talking for a abour 20 mins to that static... once again, its soothing... juss to knoe that their there, how sad is that... how far do i go to reach the past... not really the past, but for safety... i guess with denise and fullmer i juss feel safe... i feel like the world as it should be... everthing else is crazy.... everything else is fast... im typing faster than the computer can echo..... i taking that back... i can hear breathing only slightly... oncea again. it feelss good knowing that their there.....lots of ppl these days they can care less if you fell down a cliff... weird metaphor i came up with when i was half asleep... loneliness is like being stuck in a ten feet deep hole thats about two feet wide... the sun shines into it about 3 minutes everyday, then the reast of the time ur juss left in the dark your limbs can't move, but your head can look up and down, the blue of the sky, of the pitch black of the earth... juss i guess it all depends on which you look at, i for one am afraid that i have been staring to intensely into the dark... your eyes start to adjst when you do that... thing being to grow fron the shadows... and its easy to pretend that everything is alright.... i don't knoe anymore, things are kuss way too crazy... tired of many things... pissed at many things... the year can end as fast as it wants... fakeness is still not on the top of my hated list... and hypocrasy is somewhere in my portfolio... oh how i've changed.... from the beginning of the year to now... i was pretty optomistic back then wasn't... i thought i had it all figured out... then i had a giant bombshell explode right over my head... what was i to do? .... what should i be doing.... what could i have done..... ow pathetic are these questions? men are jerks... all of them.... im one... a jerk.... some more than meeh im pretty sure.... nice girls always fall for jerks... girls don't be nice... trash the heads off a guy, and if he still comes back, then he really likes you and hes nice.... thats an overly general way of putting things... but generalities are nice...things are easier to predict when they are considered in a generality.... you knoe what all this is?... words... a bucnh of words that i dont think i can even live by, now that pathetic.... hypocracy... i hate it, people who say they knoe things, how to change, how to act... i hate it when they dont... i hate men who use women.... i hate marijuana... i abhorr the death of freedom, of a spirit, of a spark, of that one thing that sets that quality apart... juss to dive into a pile of mud and to wallow it the ugliness... it sickens meeh how people do that... i conpare it with those who wallow in clean sheets.... how much better is the feeling.... i for one don't.... im jealous.... yes i am..... *sighz*.... haven't used that in a long tyme... not since soph year i think.... or "sigh..." that was something between meeh and that person.... i guess thats the problem of being used... gotta reinvent yourself everytime... so that a comparison cannot be made... how difficult it was... but i have a feeling that these are bad.... there aren't many changes you can make to a sculpture before you start hacking at the frame... and then suddenly the whole thing blows apart... in a mess of rubble... the crash of a human being... a giant mess.. i haven't quck gone that far yet.... or have i?.... even the sound of someone sleeping over the phone is worth thr weight in gold... i am tired... tired of walking on thin ice everywhere... in my own room... i wonder what these poor women dream about... the delusion they live in.... they must be so happy... who am i to interfere? ignorance is bliss until you wake up or learn something right?... maybe i would rather be ignorant... its juss nice to forget things... ppl with alhzeimers with nothing to lose muxt be great... to live in a delusion... to live in a fairytale, a storybook.... must be nice... philosophers... that must be a cruddy job, you gotta live through someething, and then be tempted into studying it.. to relive it ans take it apart... and reason with it... how does this thing we call life have reason.. i mean most things happen on the whims of fate... on the unpredictable current of time, on the unbalanced stream of eternity, how can we not want to lie to ourselves?

2005-04-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

alright another dream time.... first things first: i reall need better tyme management, seriously this has been the worst week ever... nothing that would be drastic to grades cept, not good either... hmmm oh yeah, imma get a calender, these postit things are nice juss doesn't work mosta times..... ok so, that leads into the dream i was slacking off again, and i fell asleep, i was at my dream college again: now it more and more resembles ucsd... so, "Jane" was visiting again, and somehow there was a giant staircase and maze in there some how... i don't remember exactly... and we were trapped or somthing... there was two sections of my dream, one i was passionate with this Jane, and the next she juss left, and i spent the rest of my dream looking for her... knoe what? shes been in my dreams a lot... maybe she's juss a symbol... of my fears? the one which goes "i will never find someone to be truly happy with?" that i've fallen past the point that thats a possibility... every time, Jane is in my dreams, its always been sadness or parting at the end... when i talk about possibility, it's never been about one person... juss generally, is my past dark enough? a thought juss hit meeh: when you ask a philosopher what the two most regretful words are, they'll answer "what if"... i have a better one: "and yet" ... see, "what if" is used after a failure such as "what if i had done this and that instead?", "what if so and so was there?" but "and yet"... "and yet" means that you've gained acheived your goal but found that it not what you've expected... "i've climbed this mountain, and yet..." .... i think its actually more painful to knoe that your accomplishments mean nothing than not having accomplished it... so my answer to the question is "and yet....." ... im tired.... in many ways, tired of learning... no one can learn everything in life, so why not be content with what you have?.... thats a terrible way of thinking... im tired of drama.... i mean, aren't we all... drama screws up my sleeping schedule somtimes hehe... drama, has caused me to break down in tears... drama.... im tired of griping... do it yourself, if you think people can't do it right.... im tired of laziness... i feel terrible afterwards... im tired of facades.... i thought fitting in in highschool was hard... college people try it even harder... im tired of rap.... i hear it too much, it's to angry... it's too demoralizing, its too loud, its too smokey?.... that reference again.... im tired of optimism... optimism in many things... it gets your hopes up foor sometimes no reasons.... im tired of dreams... it falls into optimism...you wake up realizing all that you've hoped for was just random brain activity in the middle of the night and that all you'e experianced in the last "dream week" was juss some bad mustard during the day... im tired of not being able to type... it increases work speed... im tired of ranting...there's always so much to rant about.... so, i'll juss stop... headaches a bit often now... the loud bass from the floor above doesn't help... know what? one more thing im tired of: smiling.... to pretend that everything is alright when youreally feel like shit... thats tiring.... how many times have i been forced into my smokey room and have to smile about it... how many times have i had to wait till early in the morning juss to do thing i want to with out comments, how many times have i wished people juss to leave... to be left alone... loneliness is a drug.... if you get used to it, you get addicted... the peace and quiet is juss nice... yourself is the greatest freind you can have.... sure it still judges you... but it's able to comfort like no one, sympathize like no one... sighz..... haven'e done that in a while.... actually talking to Jane right now... freakin optimism.... unfounded, unreasonable, undeniable... i actually have no right to feel this way... or do i?... that whole thing about knoeing your place... i've said this before, but its terrible.... it may be easy... to just hide behind the straight line... never stepping out to make something of yourself... how useless is that? world's never been changed by juss sitting behind that line, but i don't know if i really want to change the world... the world now is just so comfortable... is it really comfortable? or is it just that im lying to myself into thinking that it is comfortable... so i wouldn't have to change it.... sad thing happened i guess last weekend, didn't knoe about it till last night... and aquaintance of mine passed away... its not the first time that its happen... not to say that since its not the first time, it doesn't hod the same depth and seriousness, but juss the fact that the longer we live, the more chance that people around us can pass away... another person i knew who passed away last year... i just remember her fire.... the flame of life so to speak... juss the hope for the future that she had.... what happens to her memories?... the years of learning... about things about life, just gone... i guess thats why being a must be rewarding, all that knowledge will never go to waste.... it must be shared... i guess it can't be reasonable to pass on everything about one's life... the childhood memories etc... i guess some of that may live in anectdotes... that why i've never ignored an elderly person telling stories... that how they live on really, by spreading there memories... ill spread one now, for an old professor im honred to have learned under, retired two years ago... but tol us about his years in the army marching band.... played the french horn... yet couldn't make a single note.... that got him out of combat for all his years in the service... good man... now a bit of him lives on in this blog.... a guess heaven we'll have more time to reminise, but can we make new memories? i bet we can but what about mistakes.... what do you really remember in life.... mistake... sure, some times of phun get stuck there too but mistakes and regrets, they make up most of your memory... thats a bit sad isn't it... they build you characater... mistakes.. either you learn from it or not... they determine the person you become.... thats what were on this earth for i guess, to build our characters before going to heaven.... i guess a lot of things... just once i wish i could be more sure of things... things are nicer when you're sure of them... undecidibility..... long word for a lot of bbad times.... how many times have i been undecided on a topic and have it come bite meeh back later... etting rid of that may at least get rid of some regrets and "what ifs i might have later"... but for now... and yet.....

2005-04-08T23:14:00.000-07:00

wow two posts in two days... this is a first in a long while.... hmmmm, today is the 1st anniversary of the hawaii trip... sad stuff... i miss it there... all the world faded away when i was in hawaii, i guess distance causes that.... was talking to someone i met today about distance... it's weird because she made it sound so easy... i guess i didn't try as i should've... (past) but then again i guess this whole post will be about the past... hmmm it's weird the independancy i felt in hawaii, it feels overshadowed by what i have now... (typing on old keyboard, the keys are louder and smaller, its gonna get some tyme to take used to)... but yeah, like how i could juss leave the hotel when ever i wanted... it felt good... really... now i can do that n/etyme i want... how far back can things be in my mind... it was at the tyme last year... even stuff that was present... the circumstance at the time, all pushed back to the corner of my head... felt good, like a drug good... it's never really where you are, but who u're with... i was with some of my best freinds and it felt good... now i guess i have some good freinds around me... it still feels good... something is missing though... something that in the process of living this life, a void... its not really spiritual.... i've filled my spiritual void... juss when i'm sitting by myself sometimes... thoughts go through my head... in fact, a million things go through my head... many "what ifs" .... follow by "done this", "made this", "left this alone", "followed this"... all such... juss so many things that could have happened... one main one that runs through my head a lot: what if i was more outgoing... i mean i think im pretty outgoing now... but rewind a few years... it was hards enough juss asking a girl out back then, what would've happened if i came easier for me? ... (upon reflection, its not any easier for meeh now...) hmmm, something, something... i talk about myself too much in this blog... yeah so my moms in the hospital right now... six pelvic fractures and a broken rib... the rest of the family is starting to feel the strain without her at home... shes fine right now, going through rehabilitation... eating properly and all... one of our lovebirds juss died... why? no idea... it juss fell flat and silent... weird thinking about death... this culture is too much into living thus ignoring death... i mean it seems almost taboo to talk about death... its really a natural process, yet people are hesitant to talk about it around dinner per say... why did that bird die though? was the food bad? did he die of a disease? did he get pecked to death? ... funny, i don't really knoe if he even was a he... hmmm my own mortality... was watching the pope's funeral last night till like three in the morning... whating as billions of people around the world also watched... what would it be like to be the pope and die knowing that millions will come to your funeral... so many deaths recently, in the news, everywhere... the world is growing old, and i with it... juss i cannot even fathom the day when my parents will go... as they one day will, and then perhaps my older freinds will start leaving, and then one day i too will go... what do we leave behind? what will my parents leave behind? a memory of them in my head... what will they be when i'm dead, a name to my children... and when they pass, my parents will be forgotten... i don't even know the names of all my grandparents... many of them died before i born... to me i guess i owe them thanks in perpetuating the the life cycle that produced me... but what of i when i go?... is it even worth leaving anything behind? the pope, no one will forget the pope... he is literally one in six billion... but me, i am also one in six billion without a name... is it even important to be remembered? as those who remember you will one day die... i guess thats where eternity comes into play, i love having the realization that there is an eternity... but from that, it renders the human experiance not really important... i mean what is accumulting wealth do you, if one day you'll die? that goes for fame and such... i've taken that and applied it... i've realized that it wouldn't be too useful to become famous or n/ething... just be happy while we're here... how does this relate to the above topic of hawaii? i guess it really doesn't... man, i miss hawaii... it felt safe, like the whole world is where it should be... nothing bad can happen in paradise right?... crazy shirtz!.... hehe had to throw that in there... yeah, i think i will go back to that post and read it to nostalgize.... nite nite

2005-04-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Dream time: hehez i guess another regular thing i do... hmmm i always wanna blog these super vivid dreams... actually this ones bad, it's two days old so i only have parts i remember... old really vivd part was i was riding a bicycle... i ono the bicycle is always symbolic for meeh, something that everyone else can do but i can't... i sorta can see how that relates ith my life... a few thing i can't quite come in terms with... i guess its an important thing... but the most i remember about that part was how free i felt as I glided away on the bike... another thing that stood out from the dream was a scene in a diner... or a location like it... so a certain person sits next to meeh, I will call her Jane for now... Jane sits next to meeh... my hand just happens to have been resting on the armrest... so I let my hand fall a little, onto her shoulder... I thought she would mind, but she just sat there... the funny thing is that this image of sitting there sits heavier on mind mind ( in the i can still picture it better) than many other real memories I have had in the past. Her head then just rested on mine... it was one of those moments when you realize that you are actually in a dream... one i probably didn't want ending... but there was her head, on my shoulder... felt nice... felt surreal, not that it was real n/e ways.... then the weirdest thing happened.... our lips met, unexpectedly...( remember i'm still dreaming, ie: not real ) the kiss was long and thoughtful fully aware... it just seemed so out of place in this diner... i almost enjoyed it... knowing that it was a dream... i know i woke up after it... because I don't remember n/ething afterwards about the dream.... I can't tell what it means... and yes I know who this Jane is... maybe its a reflection of my true feelings in my heart... in that case, I maybe superficial, or it's juss another passing fancy... because... i can admit to that... funny how that works... this go in cycles... cycles again... i really thought i had broken out of my cycles.... actually they have gotten worse? iono, truely its really weird... this one being an extremely large cycle with a giant radius... never thought i would again... at least i broke out of another... that one was painful almost... i survived... good thing... but this one, it might actually be a good thing... wait, last time i thought it was a good thing, i managed to screw it up.... thought the future was so set, knew what i had to do... and now i'm just lost as ever... the saying goes things are darker near the light.... i'm very dark... and that ink seeps into white cotton... seeping ish... i dunno.... i've noticed it's been coming closer and closer to home... that my goals started beyond the ocean, and i juss traveled east ward from there... it's a good thing? i don;t really knoe... but it's juss i don't find anything else appealing... not really thats a lie... drinking too much water.. feel bloated... soooo out of shape... talked about the future recently... how much of that future is really mine? i mean that vision of having a quiet house in the suburbs with by two children and beautiful wife leading a stable life... i mean is that really my wish or juss something that society has pushed meeh into trying to attain?... hard to tell these days... the accepted norm is juss too norm to not accept... same way, im almost expect to stay off the bike, cuz "it's ok not to know how to ride it" not that riding a bike is a necessity but an adventure or an obstacle... I actually knoe how to ride one but juss the imagery... see here's the thing even in metaphor i refer to the past... how much am i living in the past? or does anyone really allude to future things, kind dumb i guess... that kissing scene's still replaying in my head... i guess thats what dreams are... juss dreams... by why has the english language connotated a dream to mean a wish.... in chinese for example, its different... i guess i can try saying that what i dreamt was not a wish, but that would also be a lie... i cannot deny not wishing for it... heres the thing, how do you start writing on a blank piece of paper? its so smooth and pure, and what if you found out the back as already been scribbled over... heres a better question, why would anyone want to write on the scribbled side?... or even spin a story on a piece of paper with scribbles on the back? i guess you would discard it... it's frightening an image from one of my favorite books come to mind... a boy has a dream that he is being discarded into a waste basket (woot go brits) ...crumbled, he looks up.... to be scribbled upon... how scribbled i am.... just lost about five million "dollars" in a poker game... kinda funny i guess we always have dreams... or wishes i mean... see how ingrained that is... so i don't knoe if i want to wish to write on blank paper... but i knoe i certainly dream it... good dream.... i wish i could dream that again... another wish, i wish i was more romantic... it goes in the subhead of outgoingness, but i see others displaying their peacock feathers, and here i am with a paper fan... can a man's nature change? don't knoe why i wrote the word "love" a few trillion times today, on a peice of paper, in a few languages... don't knoe why, is that what i have on my mind? cuz its certainly not love, or the love i wish i'll one day find... know whats funny i believe that love can be grown... like between any two people... is that just a super optomistic veiw of things? i think thats the basis for arranged marraiges, I mean theres no doubt that many of those couples have loved each other all throughout history... and is it possible for love to die? for two people who were once in love to fall out? its really funny, i think of this all the time, how my blogs, and my life really revolves around this topic of love, and yet i don't actively seek it out... or im juss too afraid to seek it out? what happens if im disappointed in what it actually is?... because really, i've been disappointed many times before... youth and foolishness don't really mix, likewise, on the flipside, cynisism and callousness aren't the best combination either... i guess im the latter, i don't really expect much n/e more... it kinda sux, i mean when i was young of course i dreamed of a lot of things, love was always one... me and my then best freind tim baker talked about it all the time... i wonder where he is now... it seems so impossible to find ppl these days... facebooking... slim chance? How much more of a common name can you get?... slow search... tired... i wanna tattoo... not cuz it looks kewl, but somewhere i'll look at everyday where no onw will see so i can remember things, remind myself... hmm four tim bakers... i wonder how ppl can change over ten years... would be interesting... whay am i so into my past, what is there? besides a haven... isn't it sad in a way? i don't what to be those people who don't have a future, as in not able to create a future for himself, always have to look at the passt for glory... i can see why the death of a salesman is often harolded as the greatest piece of american literature ever... so easy to relate to... am i big brother Loman? highschool was my glory... the number of freinds determine my worth?... can't be true... i have great freinds.... great great.... juss i wish i saw them more often... be kinda kewl to meet him again.... ok im off now enough ranting... ranting feels good but its also tiring....

2005-03-17T04:32:00.000-08:00

werid feeling.... i use that word a lot more nowaday... actually nowadays a while now... pretty much since the beginning of last summer... i ono the word is so generic... i guess i can;t ofenc anyone when i do... have i been walking on egg shells all my life? acting to please everyone? its easy i guess... easier than everyone makes it to be... when you have a view of your own, you'll have people with opposite views... i mean if i were debating someone then sure, a defending for yourself is alright.. but like in life... how much easier is it to follow... if you think about it... leaders are people who just don't know how to follow people... so they make up their own rules... blahh.. i don't know what i'm saying n/e more... hehez... hung out w/ some ppl today... i feel bad about juss catagorizing them as people... i think i've been doing that all my life... its weird (there ia that word again)... i've been putting people into groups... for ecample; "these are my bando freinds" "these are my chino hills freinds" "these ar my church freinds" ... i saw tham as one giant unit... not really in many cases individuals have really stood out, and i've enjoyed spending tyme with all these individuals... a lot of them i really cherish... juss something i sorta feel bad about... its late... finals week... five in the morning... blogging... don't feel tired at all... nothing to do... everyone's asleep.... i wish there was somthing to do... i don't think i can ever be a hermit hehe.... thats all for now i guess... nighty night and sweet dreams.... note to the future: the person who said "nighty night and sweet dreams" was Yen-ba Bui whom i've copied off of.... hehez...

2005-03-08T16:41:00.000-08:00

survey time!

1. What is your name? Jay
2. What color underwear are you wearing now? White
3. What are you listening to right now? The Pianist OST
4. What are the last 2 digits of your phone number? 49
5. What was the last thing you ate? a burrito
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be? "tickle me pink"
7. How is the weather right now? marine layer
8. Last person you talked to on the phone? Sunny
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? face/eyes
10. Favorite Food? yang chow fried rice
11. Favorite Drink? diet coke, sobe oolong
12. Favorite Alcoholic drink? raspberry something
13. Favorite place to shop? as of now: old navy... >.<
14. Hair Color? dark brown
15. Eye Color? dark brown
16. Do you wear contacts? when i feel like it..
18. Favorite Month? april.. i ono
19. Favorite Fast Food? roberto's, pepe's, in n out
20. Last Movie you Watched? Constantine
21. Favorite Day of the Year? i ono
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out? most of the tyme....
23. Summer or Winter? summer
24. Hugs or Kisses? both
25. Chocolate or vanilla? vanilla
30. What books are you reading? Bible, SDCC book...
31. What's on your mouse pad? optical mouse
32. Favorite Board Game? Scrabble!
33. What did you do last night? he heh heh...
35. Who inspires you? people..
36. Butter, Plain, or salted popcorn? lightly buttered
38. Favorite Flower? Chysanthemum
39. What do you say when you wake up in the A.M? class tyme.
40. What's on your desk? papers, laptop
41. Rock Concert or Symphony?i ono
42. Play or Opera? opera
43. Have you ever fired a gun? nopez
44. Do you like to travel by plane? sure
45. Right-handed or Left-handed? Right
46. Smooth or Chunky Peanut Butter? chunky
47. How many pillows do you sleep with? one
48. City & State you were born in? Hong Kong
49. Ever hitchhiked? nope

stolen from denise's blog....
this is the only tyme i ever use carraige returns...

2005-02-27T04:38:00.000-08:00

wow, i haven't blogged FOREVER... lots have happened since last tyme i did...don't even knoe where to begin... i think since then my life has completely changed at least twice.... more specifically, i knoe now how this world works... it hurts to break out of my little shell... completely shattered... i was sitting with a freind a few weeks ago... haven't seen her in a while so i decided we should catch up... sat talking for three hours... about her troubles, about mine... at the end, we come to one conclusion, it was the the world was now corrupt... not the the world has changed much in the last year, but our perception of it... to see it for what it really is... how dark it really is... things are complicated now, people our complicated now.... we sat talking about how a freind had betrayed her, and how i had recently broken up... yes, i was in a relationship the time i was away... and now its over... things happen too quickly... so we were talking, in this storeroom... this is how the world is now... it's sad.... i've done a few things that i am not too proud of recently... actaully i had hypocritically shattered everything that i have ever believed in... it seemed like my moral fabric had just ripped... (also my grammar improved)... (a bit)... my belief in the sanctity of a relationship... shatter... it takes standing in the dark to see how bright the light actually is and how far away you're standing from it... historically, it was a complete I+... anyone would have wanted my position... maybe... but it is after the pleasure and the fun and the sheer bliss of the moment that one stops and realize that he has just sold his soul... i can't say that i've gone that far yet... but everytime i look into the mirror im afraid of what my reflection has become (also, im reaching my freshman 15 >.<) ... it makes me nervous how fragile our wills our... juss a few posts ago i think, i was talking about how a man should act... he is brave, faithful, caring... all the good qualities that are hidden... but now i have made a mess of things.... i've also drank.... yeah, for those of you who think its glamorous, you're actually pretty stupid when you do... action wise... not to mention the hangover in the morning... sadly, i knoe that when im done typing this blog, and i've returned to san diego, and im sitting in my dorm, late at night... the temptations are just gaoin to riase again, and i will probably succumb to them... lots of things make me nostalgic now... was looking through some old pictures posted on denise's website... i look at all those faces... of mine, of others, of denise... and i've come to a half-conclusion... actually i've known this for a while now... that im sad, and lonely... i look at those faces whom i do not knoe anymore... all those people are growing up without me... parting roads in this giant forest of ours... diverging... then i made another realization... maybe, i've never stopped having feelings for denise.... it maybe that, or do they just remind me of my past?... with her, i was happy... with yen i was happy... then i realized, my life had been till now marked by my successes and failures of the heart... what i did in the last month or so... should have been the greatest milestone ever... but it doesn't even hold a light to the feelings i get looking at these old photos... something about the past is really inviting... i remember when i was with denise for the first time, maybe the second time... every morning i would wake up thinking, 'hmmmm, i knoe what me highlight of the day is going to be' ... that stolen kiss when walking to class... marching beside her.... when i looked virginia, i didn't feel that... sure, at first there was the racing heart, and the constant thoughts, but then those started to die... i took a self-diagnosis of myself one day... i just stood back and observed myself... am i really that emotionally dead?... evenwhen i broke up with jessica... i shedded at most one tear, whereas when i broke up with anna, i was crying for a whole week... my heart is so numbed now... so callous... im afraid of myself... afraid of what i will become... afraid that one day when the true opportunity shows itself, i won't be able to recognize it... i will just stand there having a reminiscent look on my face... distance makes the heart grow fonder... i think i truly understand that now... what can be farther than the past?... at least with the moon, i can try to jump high enough... no but time... time only goes down.... i asked myself a while back... how long does it take to get rid of some unwanted feelings... feelings i had for old crushes... uneeded feelings that i shouldn't be feeling... then now i ask myself, where those feelings gone?... their numbed... one crazy thing about thise world... or about humans... we want everything... my life marked with events of the heart, i have wanted my share of things... yet, it was stupid because having everything is really having nothing... i am reminded of the story of a lady who wished to be rich, but only received her prize in the form of her husband's life insurance... its cold... in the same manner, i wanted to try the perks of being in college, to live out every teenager's dream... only thing that happened was the death of someone i hold dear... my heart... in a way this is good, never having to be hurt, but no matter how crusted and thick one's heart is, it doesn't stop it from wanting... all it does now is want things that are unholy and indecent... i want my youth... it surely was simpler back then.... many things i would have done differently... not a single day goes by when i ask myself what would have happened if i never broke up with denise... or i never joined band, or even if i never went to troy for that matter... yeah, nostalgia extends to my dreams now... i am tortured by dreams of the past... or relics of my youth be broken... it haunts me every day that one day, everyone aroundme willl die, first my grandmother, then my parents, then teachers, then my freinds, and one day i will die... living in my children's memory maybe... and pretty soon, they will die, and i will be forgotten... ashes to ashes, dust to dust... i don't have many freinds now... or to say more clearly, i don't have many friends that i had even a year ago... they've all moved and grown... so have i... i have some wonderful friends now.... but something still annoys me... the life style that i had been living to pursue a member of the opposite so often... leaves me with little friends... uring those periods, i devoted myself to her... didn't seem right to have fun with my freinds if my girlfriend wasn't there... or time spent with my girlfriend, or even courting one, i could have spent with other friends... funny how they say that freindship shouldn't be measured in quantity but by quality... very true... right now i have the best of both worlds... yes sarcastically, i have few freinds that i don't knoe very well, and they me... i miss the structure of highschool, i miss the warmness of home, i miss the rigor of band, i miss the order of life... now, i don't knoe how to deal with things... i feel old... the people that i had once taken care of is now taking care of others....age is felt by comparison... i compare mine with my sister's... i feel very old... next year, she will be a senior... then she will also be in college... oh how time flies... i still remember the years i spent running around an old apartment in hongkong... those are the fondest memories of all... it seems that the farther i reach, the more things are valued... the world is so marked by change... i just need to flow along with it... but i was comfortable on my little rock... my friends were on that little rock with me, wathing the ocean go by, and now we have all jumped in, and the waves have torn us apart.... old pictures are terrible, they bring back all these memories... i guess there is one good thing that came with my change... its is now that i am able to even voice my feelings... there was an instance in highschool, i was given the chance of posting an anonymous letter online, i could have reveiled a murder, and no one will ever knoe... it was that note i take comfort in expressing my ideas i wrote something tot he extent of "hey victoria, i have a crush on you, will you go out with me if you read this?" ... no one ever read it... and i was comfortable knowing that no one will knoe about it... actually it is pretty much the same now... i am pretty sure that no one reads this anymore... goes to show how many friends remain... i equate this to the catholic confessional... those people don't really think that talking to a priest will save them... they only feel goood becasuse they leave after sharing theirt problems... i am sharing my problems now.. it's taken me two years, but i have finally defined what this blog is... a confessional.... i tell my stories to this machine... it, in turn, tells it to the world ... i will it to good use now... i am afraid, afraid for my future, for my heart and for my will.

2005-01-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

midnight.... blogging with a cup of ramen in front of meeh... hmmm its not dark, its not cold... good day, bad day.... last two days, my mind turned off, my heart might have turned off... ramen is reeally spicy... just how i like it: thick... a lot of ppl don't like thick ramen... the soup i mean, cus theres less water, but it feels good in my mouth...ramen as a whole is a good thing to eat at midnight, it warms you up... but, really, its bad for you... now a slight heartburn... bad things happen in the dark...hmmm... well, another year is here... wow, can't believe we're almost half way through the first decade of another millenium... crazy... saw the ball drop on tv... oh the times, they are a'changing... 18 getting to about that time i gotta start thinking about the future... how ugly that word is... besides the two U's... what other place than the future will you be sure that everyone is dead... so not looking forward to it... i guess everyone has to... break out of our nests... what a pain... adam and eve did a terrible thing... no point in pointing fingers... but to wonder at a world where there is no toil... childbirth has no pain... but mostly without toil... where food juss comes from a tree... i'd love to not have to make decisions, but juss do as we're told... we usually screw up those decisions n/e ways... why is it so hard... lots of decisions i make now will effect my future... and i ono which future is in store for meeh or how fast i want my future to come... headache... metaphorcally and literally, had one today, took three tylenols... wish there's a tylenol for life... juss make the pain go away... oh wait, that drugs... i mean ones without side effects... a lot of ppl (meeh included) would rather not take a tylenol if it is not out of dire necessity... was sorta this morning... but most of tyme, i juss want to feel life as it is... i ono... how much life do i live before it becomes too much?... been living a little too much these past few day... my mind juss turned off in a few occasions... it almost scary what i am capable of... pictured it in my mind a few trillion times... thats whats bad about it, it'll dispoint you when truth happens, case in point: fairy tales or little kids, they believe that there will always be a happy ending, always be a bad guy, always be a prince charming, always have to be the hero, always have good prevail, always being placed in a fantasy land that doesn't reflect reality... i lived in that fantasyland once... once now seems a million years ago... some cliffs you fall off cannot be climbed... you juss sorta stare at the peak with the sun in ur eyes... u turn the other way juss to see another cliff... and a long way down... not true though, you don't really see these things come, they juss appear, and it's too late.. sighz... slept in a weird position last night... neck's kinda sore... can't sleep, it's two now... have class at two tomomo... and juss eat some crackers... oops set alarm clock for two AM... juss rang... hehe... hmm... more things about regret... this whole theme in my life about not having regret... will i one day?... cuz one vrey important reason... maybe i still am living in that fantasyland... like i have been... happened last tyme too... i either pretended it, or self-justified it... funny thing is, i knoe some ppl who lives in my fantasyland, they seem kinda happy, do they not knoe that they're here?... ignorance is bliss... that much is true, there a second part though: ignorance doesn't last forever... in that case, ignorance spawns future regrets... what is regret?... isn't that the vainest thing a person can feel?... im only talking about event for which the consequences have expired, the other kind is called guilt... but regret, it no longer applies, and it no longer can be changed, yet it manages to lodge itself in the back of one's mind and slowly devour a man... i love that man... the man which in metaphor can express everything that i can't... the man, in my times of trouble, helped solve my problems just by picking flowers in the middle of a forest... i don't even knkoe him n/e more, nor remember the details of his stories, like the horse trainer.... he was many things... i have so much to thank... and yet, he's only in my imagination... no, he's not an imaginary freind, he doesn't talk to meeh, he's more of a scapegoat, or a mediator, or an orator.. juss there for meeh... i might need his help now... he can explain things that i can not even think up the words for... it might juss be the language, or my lack of proficiancy in any... commucation itself, is not difficult, it's the having to explain every single implication that comes with the statement of another... all in the implied stupidity of the world... that why i love this blog, im expressing myself without having to explain it... maybe i might actually be happy being alone... i can live in total choas, and my thoughts garbled, but no one will knoe... tired... been awake for a long time now... mind doesn't work too well with the lack of sleep, i used afraid of sleep for the fear of tomorrow... really, sometimes its frightening... the most phobic thing (beside spiders) is the fear of being caught in a lie... juss realized that now... it wasn't really my introvertness, that disallowed meeh from telling ppl things before... it was my fear of them catching onto my lie... i used to be deathly afraid of parent teacher meetings, ciz my parents would learn the truth about my work in school... funny, teachers are technically your legal guardian when ur in school, most ppl don't noe this, but their not even allowed to give their pupils a hug... yet, once something happens, they have to take all the blame... this whole mistreatment of teachers is insane... we ask them to teach our children, yet we keep a watchful eye over their every move... as if corrupting pupils through humanism isn't bad enough... the parents juss stand there and agree... "you should persue ur dreams to the fullest extent, cuz you can do n/ethig u put your mind to"... if you think about it realy hard.. you start to realize how terrible that statement is... it all helps to build up that fantasy for a child... other things like that build hedonism and selfishness... all part of our culture... ok, ill finish this later, im sleepy and im starting to think incoherent things, so ill juss finish this in the morning... nite nite

2004-12-20T03:54:00.000-08:00

"You've got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone
Though childhood slips like sand through a sieve
And all too soon they've up and grown, and then they've flown
And it's too late for you to give"
--- "A Man Has Dreams," Mary Poppins

hmmm, i've never quoted lyrics before... but i think it correctly expresses the way i feel right about now... way out w/ some olds friends today... can't help feeling the feeling that i'm trying to grasp the sand falling through my sieve... hmmm... tired... trying to solve a puzzle... losing sleep.. hehez... annoying... oh yeah im sickish too gahhh... i should really sleep... i ono... today was good i guess... no actually it was good... ate at CA (instead of CV -_-;;) ... yeah, good stuff... maan... sometimes i don't knoe why i write this n/e more... maybe its my hope that some one might stumble across this... yeah, was searching my name on google... most random link was someone who had quoted a quote i sent to forward garden... heh... kinda sad, juss to make sure im remembered... sometimes.... i think thats what it is... i don't want to be forgotten... by JH friends, by high school friends, by stranger i had a conversation w/ today, by some one who randomly stumbles on my blog, by i ono... watched "the notebook" (i2hub whoooo) ... yeah guuys really right, something like this: "I am no one special. Just a common man with common thoughts. I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect, I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who had ever lived." (maan, i'm quoting alot of things today...) yeah... i guess it isn't too bad, juss... iono...

2004-12-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

ahhhh!

2004-12-13T02:19:00.000-08:00

******Body: HAVE YOU EVER
1. Kissed your cousin: wat the... no
2. Ran away: nope
3. Pictured your crush naked: .... >.<
4. skipped school: many times :-P
5. Broken someone's heart: sorz sorz sorz
6. Been in love: i thought so....
7. Cried when someone died: yeah, even if i didn't knoe them too well...
8. Wanted someone you knew you couldn't have: yup...
10. Done something embarrasing: uh yeeaahh
11. Done a drug: ofcourse... asprin... clarinex...etc...
12. Cried in school: :.-(
13. Coke or Pepsi: dietcoke
14. Sprite or 7UP: 7up tastes like soap sumtimes...
15. Girls or Guys: erm.... guys are superior...? :-P (soo not true)
17. Scruff or Clean shaved: im asian... you answer...
18. Blondes or Brunettes: brunettes .... :-P
19. Bitchy or short:short
21. Pants or Shorts: pants
22. Night or Day: night
23. What do you notice first: eyes
24. Last person you slow danced with: justine?...
25. Worst Question To Ask: will u marry meeh? (jkjkjkjkjkjkjkjkjk)

*****THE LAST TIME YOU...
26. Showered: this morning...
27. Stepped outside: five hours ago
28. Had Sex: right now!
29. Romantic memory: hmmm.... sighz

*****RANDOMS
30. Your Good Luck Charm: bottlecap bracelet... some other things...
31. Person You Hate Most: ....?
32. Best Thing That Has Happened: i ono... many things are good..
33. On your desk: papers
34. Picture on your desktop: exploding dog... (the stickfigure things.. sicko)
35. Color: gray?
36. Movie: i like movies..
37. Artist: the one that was formally known as "the artist formally known as prince" ...jk.... he sucks... :p
38. Cars: mine
39. Ice Cream: vaniille w00t!
40. Season: i ono
41. Breakfast Food: ramen...

*****WHO
42. Makes you laugh the most: many ppl
43. Makes you smile: many ppl
44. Can make you feel better no matter what: no one...
45. Has A Crush On You: i have my suspicions...
46. Do You Have A Crush On Someone: ....
47. Who Has it easier? Girls or Guys?: GUYS TOTALLY HAVE IT EASIER!

******DO YOU EVER
49. Sit by the phone waiting for a phone call all night: nope... aim...
50. Save MSN conversations: pssh...who uses MSN?
51. Save E-mails: all that aren't junk
52. Forward secret E-mails: ...who does that?
53. Wish you were someone else: ehhh
54. Wish you were a member of the opposite sex: nopez :-P
55. Wear calogne: ....no...
56. Kiss: yup
57. Cuddle: yup
58. Go online for longer than eight hours at a time: always

*****HAVE YOU EVER
59. Fallen for your best friend?: yeah...
60. Made out with JUST a friend?: nopez..
61. Kissed two people in the same day?: ....
62 Had sex with two different people in the same day?: right now!
63. Been rejected: yeeeeuup
64. Been in love?: hhmmm.... read my blog..
65. Been in lust?: ohhh yeah
66. Used someone?: sighz yeah
67. Been used?: yup
68. Cheated on someone?: nopez
69. Been cheated on?: i ono
70. Been kissed?: yup >.<
71. Done something you regret?: ohhhhhhhh.....yeah

*****WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON...
72. You touched?: Virginia
73. You talked to?: Virginia
74. You hugged?: Virginia
75. you instant messaged?: Denise
76. You kissed?: :-D
77. You yelled at?: whoaz... long ago.... ono
78. You thought about? Virginia >.<
79. Who text messaged you?: on phone: Cammile
80. Who broke your heart?: myself....
81. who told you they loved you?: i don't remember

*****DO YOU...
82. Color your hair? blue/pink/green/purple... :-P
83. Have tattoos?: henna?
84. Have piercings?: nopez
85. Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: ermm..no?
86. Own a webcam?: nopez
87. Own a thong?: .....ummmmmmmm.......nooo....
88. Ever get off the damn computer? ...he..he...he...
89. Sprechen Sie Deutsch?: si...
90. Habla espanol?: hai
91. Quack?: seen one? yeah

****HAVE YOU / DO YOU / ARE YOU...
92. Stolen anything?: ... shampoo?
93. Smoke?: nopez
94. Schizophrenic?: ....
95. Obsessive?: a bit
96. Compulsive?: more oftener
97. Obsessive compulsive?: i ono
98. Panic?: oooohh yeah
99. Anxiety?: a lot
100. Depressed?: i ono, maybe i am....

2004-12-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

how come it might actually be harder for the advisor to heed his own advice... so finals are coming up... i guess im in something now... dats all i really wanted to say... i ono...rephrase: so much easier to give advice than to heed it...

2004-11-29T02:46:00.000-08:00

now, i am really rethinking the wisdom of the last blog... everything changes when ppl actually read it... iono... im not gonna take it off cuz i vowed to never erase the past, soooo.... it's still there... hmm, im trying to figure out how litto privacy one can actually live without.... i think im reaching the borderline... "won't it be a shame if:" i hate that line... it sooo applicable, its just a way for someone to say they will regret something...and its usually meeh... oh yeah im down to one now... gotta get more... funny how i hang on to nostalgic things... i have about a doaen boxes of junk at home... actually their filled with random peices of memorabilia from anything from toys to report cards... and for each item, i have a story behind it... shoot i forgot my egg at home... and my bible... performance clothes... the egg im refering to is german product called a "Kinder"... milk chocolate on the outside, white chocolate on the inside wrapping a little toy... that is probably the material symbol of my childhood... got one when i went baq home... forgot to bring it.... not sold in America... so as i was saying... wouldn't it be a shame.... it probably alreaedy is... good lesson learned from a video game... it think the game was "shenmue"?... no idea... but there was this line in the dialogue: "you must treasure your friends, for one day even your parents will die" .... interesting.... something like that.... thats actually something my parents taught meeh... for example, when there was a situation i was crying because my ice-cream fellover (persay, and this was a looong ago)... my parents would tell meeh "you cry when when we pass away, not for spilt ice-cream" ... much wisdom in that... i guess it trains a person to be thickskinned... (which oddly enough translates directly in chinese very well)... i was tempted to bring my yearbook this time... but then it would juss be too nostalgic... one thing about these blogs, they turn people very self-conscious.... i now sorta watch my moves when i do n/ething... i ono if thats good... owwie, burned my tongue on hot ramen soup... yes, maruchan, what would i do without u?... sad... sooo much sodium... oh yeah barium disodium sulfide hehez... nighty night

2004-11-28T02:26:00.000-08:00

i don't see why i'm blogging right now... its 2:30 in the morning.... but it's during this semi-concious state that I can think clearly.... what?.... yeah... normally im too focused on little problems, but now i can step back... great thankgiving w/e too... odd the way it turned out.... knoe what i don't even care n/e more... read what u ppl want, it's the truth.... so one realization that i had driving back from disneyland yesterday... (oh yeah i went w/ sister, camille, and gwen) ... camille sitting next to meeh, gwen and kay asleep in the back... the girl i had a crush on in junior high is sitting there, six years ago, i would have never thought that it was possible... why do i tend to associate myself with ever loveless chao i see?... not hanging out with them, but i mean believe to be in their place... one more thing i hate... i think i might have had to do with considering everything in terms of the the degree of I... that luck in love is just level attain, and n/e girl can do it for you... wow, im starting to sound like this guy i knoe: "hey, a vagina's a vagina".... i'd like not to think im that... but i do remember a time when i felt like that... are we so impersonal nowadays that anyone can fulfill that need... (and it is a need)... such a sad state... its good to look at the past and see whats wrong... so yeah i was talking to a good freind of mine... it made meeh realize some flaws i had... why does it always feel like i'm doing damage control?... that i've already mest up my mind so much that all i could do is to find whats wwrong and fix it... is it even good to fix it?... i knoe disney is telling meeh not to... not that disney is such a great thing... but i guess it has to have some stuff right... heres a thing that disney is probably wrong about: how to treat ur children... thiis sound correct right?:a parent should praise a child even though his beliefs do not agree - even if he's not doing well... wrong... doesn't that sound odd?... if a child is doing something unagreeable, he's wrong... correct him, and don't praise him if hes not doing well, he'll think that he is...gahhh... i don't even knoe why i go to disneyland hehe.... doesn't it always seem like im bloging about that stuff... never n/e thing else.. heres sumthing else actually, remember how i was pondering on what was it to be a man?... i still don't knoe yet, but this mens group thing sorta in is discussing it... interesting topic... hmmm, didn't have that feeling of going to disneyland... i used to be afraid that i would die the day before going there... juss because it would be a shame to be so close to getting there and yet only be a day short.... didn't have that this time.... i think the magic in it is truely gone... neither did it really reminise n/ething... only about once the whole of yesterday did i think about the time i went with jess, or the tiem i went with fullmer, or the time i went with my cousins... all i saw there was blatant commercialism... not that i didn't enjoy it... wow almost three... is it wrong to think that the parents are wrong for treating meeh like a child?... it feels like that..."no i don't need that sweater"... "no, i'll sleep in a few more minutes"... it must be a common question... doesn't stop meeh from thinking it though... also one thing: why do i "feel" so much... is it even good to feel that much?... actually thats not entirely true... ppl feel juss as much as i do... juss that they seem to be feeling happier more often... (its not juss because of the bland feeling after having phun)... but maybe i really am depressed... i could sit in a room with happy ppl having phun... yet juss sit there and wallow... i ono, i hope not... why do i even blog about this stuff... im annoyed... actually i knoe why im doing this... its to recover from my childhood spent in secret... i mean that as in i never told n/e one n/e thing.... now im telling everyone everything... well sorta... i really still can't talk about really personal stuff... its gotten easier... its good right? to be able to divulge... no, i knoe what it is... i don't have a white guy for a best freind... hehez... lesse: tim baker, zhenia ossipov, micheal aranda, james fullmer.... white best freinds that i could tell the world to... and now i talk to none of them... i miss not having someone to listen to meeh... odd to say that... i knoe my pastor will... and i knoe a lot of nice ppl at IV will, hey even the ppl i hang out with probably will... it doesn't seem the same now... all i have left is this blog... sad ain't it?... hahaz... >.< .... something mrs. varieur told us that i can't forget: "do you want to be known as you, or ur girlfreind's boyfreind?" ... her father is still teaching kids after all these years... for meeh, let it not be the latter... but its hard... one thing i'll never forget from her class... i thing one problem is that im not growing up fast to match the world, or the world is surpassing my own growth... everyone around meeh is dealing with these crazy problems, and meeh, im juss standing there trying to be naive... Naive you are/if you believe/life favours those/who aren't naive.... baybe piet hien was too naive... but then i see others who cling to their childhood... or juss live by it... and doing very well... other times, i feel those adult-like ones, are acting childish... im soooo confused... new years resolution part one: stop this nonsense immediately!... i think i can do so much more juss by forgetting about it... or maybe im put on this earth to figure it out... i mean ofcourse everyone was set here unequally, i think we're all made to solve a problem... like there are a few things wrong with my soul, and life is a way God lets meeh fix em... like greed for rich ppl, and jealousy for poor ppl... for meeh it's: lust? ... i guess thats the closest term... wow its hard to say that your a lustful person, it falls under greedy right?... everyone's greedy, along with those who are guttonous, or wealth-seeking... doesn't make it ok... actually i think thats why its so hard for ppl to accept christianity, to admit to failure... too many proud ppl in the world... i'll wrap it up here... i ono... nite nite and sweet dreamz

2004-11-23T02:07:00.000-08:00

hmm, i can't get rid of that feeling.... feelings plural actually.... im trying restraint... but its juss .... i ono... see, heres the dilemma... either I do stop this nonsense which creates diffuses the present awkwardness, and then able to reaffirm that feeling, oorrr, i can juss stay this way and feel awkward... false dilemma really... not much of a choice.... or is that juss within my head... it probably is... the second thing.... i've blogged about this a few times already.... i knoe that i should complain... dang chivalry... way of the knights are looong gone.... see whats the definition of acceptability?....the lines are so blurry, im afraid to cross it.... or my fear of that hinders meeh... is't that the problem with the world? fear?.... i should majored in philosophy... i'd like it... all this logic is giving meeh the creeps... but isn't philosophy based on logic?...yeah...sighz... nothing left in the world... nobodyhere.com.... the most depressing site ever... if you go there, don't read into it too much, you juss might kill urself... oh yeah, good day... im gonna start my daily evaluations again... makes meeh realize that day are better for the most part... ramen.... soo bad... 3:38 in the morning...sudden urge to learn japanese... nite

2004-11-21T22:39:00.000-08:00

how do you get rid of the sense of nostalgia..... face it, the past is sooo much funner than now.... am i nostalgic because i liked the past better? or is the present unbearable?.... why is it unbearable?... not like i really have a reason that its unbearable now... beside the fact that im tyoing in hte dark, and i might have to withdraw from a few things... no, not drugs... they're fine... jkjkjk... but i ono... staring at my "crazy shirtz" photo.... can help but remember a lot of things... sighz.... why is it.... it was better baq then... am i juss afraid right now?... everything seems so uncertain.... theres one good thing about never feeling at ease, is that you never feel loss for n/e thing.... that terrible right.... yeah.... listening to the soundtrack from the movie glory.... very good... i love i2hub... sunday night... nothing to do... typing in the dark again... it helps... i can actually feel my darkside coming out when i do this... (yes, cuz my darkside i sooo evil).... but really... i guess i do sound depressing... phooooo.... got a new mouse today... and a headache... bad pancakes... im tired of all of this... what is expected of us... maybe i should change...not that it really matters... cuz in the end... it really doesn't.... we're juss spending these measily short 70ish years waiting to die and hoping we "make sumthing of ourselves".... of course theres more, but i don't feel myself working towards that.... soothing.... its too cold to sit under the stars now... they were selling blankets at price center for 15sh... tempting.... dat'd be nice right about now... thoughts crossing my mind im not too proud of... i hate this.... i don't value it either... but i knoe many otheres who do... and the others don;t realize... they might be appalled or tolerant... either way, they seem to be faring pretty well... thats what i don't like about success, some one must be hurt.... even if it not in the monetary sense.... im being trampled over.... they think i don't notice... i love how no one will ever get this.... its satisfying almost.... hmmm.... odd, was searching for something earlier in the blog, but i seriously can't find it now... does that mean i've deleted stuff? i try not to... even though it might get meeh into trouble later, its still things that validate that i have existed this very moment... isn't that sad... maybe my life juss began right now... but i can then look at these journals and remember not to repeat a lot of the stuff i've done... in a way the elder is teaching the older... some time later in the future, the "now" meeh will be an elder to the older Jay thats become.... and i will teach him... or at least remind him of teachings... not tonite i guess... maybe ill retire... juss for tonite.... nighty night and sweet dreamz

2004-11-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

knoe wat it is really?.... my lifestyle the last four years... shaped this mess... ppl, who don't knoe what im talking about, don't read into it... ask meeh if u want... juss so annoying... i wonder what would happen when its for reals... can i handle it?... casuality (a word?) isn't my thing... i'd really rather dress in a suit than in shorts... but the conflicting thing is that, its only when i'm outside.... company is nice, ever have that feeling of removal? like ur watching a movie... its sometimes nice, to be a spectator.... oo, i found the best place in the world... well place and time, cuz everywhere can suck in times of a war or drought or sumthing... but its on the roof of douglas at about 3 in the morning... all the smokers have left and the stars are out... clear smogless nights... sit on the bench and reflect.... gotta get my star chart many stars are only seen here.... gosh, i love the sky, and the air here... my dream is almost fulfilled!.... except for this tree... sighz, what a strange goal in life... then again, everyone's goal in life really doesn't mean n/e thing when they die... so mines legit...

2004-11-07T05:08:00.000-08:00

yup, once a week.... something sorta been bothering meeh lately... i've blogged on this topic before... but i just don't think i got over it... hmmm i had to sit here and think what it was... the last event i mean... i remember now.... end of last school year... prom season... that illogical mess i got myself into... my weird feelings towards ppl that i have no right to.... its happening again... it stinks cuz both happened to be really nice ppl, but i juss can't shake that feeling... one thing it ties into is my belief that everyone has their place... how easy would it be to knoe my own "level" and stay there.... its totally contrary to disney... hehe went to see "saw" today, i almost laughed through one of those moral monologues... but really that feeling... i hate it... hate it hate it... maybe i am depressed... not juss llike teenage hormonally depressed, but really depressed... maybe i can really play the blues now.... but it feels so good typing in the dark right now... i need zoloft, hahaz... the way i force my laughter... its not really real... i asked myself, if it come how shall i knoe?... i don;t have an answer... watched garden state, i could really feel the guy's depression.... maybe i need to juss let loose too hehz.... man, get back to real life.... life is, that i gotta go to church in three and a half hours... that means i get about two hours of sleep.... why do i even do this?.... i feel used, or sumthing.... social chess... and the king juss sacked the pawn... why am i never a knight?.... pawns i guess are able to tolerate things because they think that one day they might become queens... but if you've ever really played chess, not likely... i guess what im saying from the start is that im jealous of that knights... i've known many knights in my life... maybe've been jealous of them all... how they can seeming break rules, jump over peices... wasn't that a sign of depression? to watch life happening around meeh... why am i afraid? what am i afraid of?... stupid chivalry... i took it too far... hmm.... knoe what i realize that might have blogged somthing ealier that i thought would no longer apply... but it does... ill see later... nite nite

2004-10-24T03:40:00.000-07:00

i realize that i have a really bad problem of following things through.... even quiting, im having trouble following it... so the blog isn't gonna stop n/e time soon... i guess i juss fell back into the thing where i blog when sumthing happens.... something happened... i juss gonna write about it.... see, i would be such a great author if i knew how to write... phoo english class here's an eye-opener... no thx troy eng teachers, they were nice and all, but let a lot of slack juss fly by.... the professor right now, whom we call sim is a cool guy.... actually taught us stuff... studied eminem last week.... apparently one of the rappers he featured has had two master degrees... the song was "when the music ends"... got a little appreciation for D12.... wow, this is my first time ever saying i agree with rap.... phhooo.... yeah, but sumthing happened today.... it made meeh think... (actually, everthing makes meeh think)... i ono, in my point of veiw, ever thing thing is symbolic.... like this is the way that God teaches his lessons.... by referencing things to teach about others like parables... the think i had to realize first was that everything happens in cycles... not like in Buddhism where even life was cyclical, but the little things... God keeps pressing these things on meeh and tries to make meeh learn from them... but apparently after four tries, i hope now i have... four... i hate this number now... thats one thing thats bad about numbers... it classifies things... see either it is because we count things and have found out that separating makes it easier, or that because we separate things, there are sections to count... i hate putting this into a specific catagory i have... repercussions are numbing.. its something i've been going against for years now... but its kanda sick how im forced to break it... forced is a harsh word... not forced but falling-into-the-fate-of..... sorta...seee next tyme (hopefully there is a next tyme) ... teh reply will be four.... i think im losing my hair... really... i wonder how many times i go through my cycle before i get it... or if theres sumthing to get... another thing thats weird is i kinda expected it to happen, cuz i knoe exactly how it feels... actually, it was explained to meeh in the exact same words that i used... and the funny thing was that, i replied in the exact same way... yeah it is a cycle... therehas to be some one in the world whos experiance is like mine... juss i guess that person is meeh... hmm kinda weird, i think i've posted this before: how my expetations are lower... not in the fact that i expect less, but something else... maybe one of the reasons why is that i never reached a goal i stived for, or it didn't fullfil meeh... gosh, im being harsh.... i hate it, not this, it... not that i like this.... cuz i really don't... seeing something slip away that started so well.... am i being wrong not trying to fight it, am i suppose to fight it?... part of meeh wants to... but then, i don't knoe if i have the strength... more so, its really because thats what i would've wanted meeh to do, thats what i had wanted... another thing, not totally un related... but sumthing i thought... is it possble? or not... cuz with that expectation i was talking about, comes the result of either excepting it, or knowing myself well enough that i should try to fight it.... yet, its not worth it, cuz it isn't good... or does it even matter... mattering is a different question, a lot of things i realize now that doesn't matter, for instance, how ppl see meeh, it doesn't really matter as long as u hold true to your belief... i've been think ing about that often... it was around the tyme i became legally adult, i wondered to myself, "what does adult hood really mean?" cuz, the state says its when ur eighteen, the culture tries to tell u that it is when you get responsibility, (or when you run home).... i gotta find what God say about it... shich is a crazy coincidence, not that i believe its really a coincidence, but the small goup im a part of is going through the "meaning of being a man of God".... i had a revelation then, that it was finally able to stand by ur beliefs, thats as good a definition as n/e w/o losing generality to the apllying to other ppl... i see other ppl trying to become what their really not... and its horrible ina way... i admit that im an introvert... not too much, but enough to enjoy the company of God alone... its soothing, like right now, no distraction in the world except for listening to myself think, i ono if its heathly (especially now thats its four in the morning) but it is... thinking, i realize that i can sorta compartmentalize (longest word ever)... some emotions i have, its really not good, its equal to repression, cuz it juss explodes later.... but for now, some new things are being separated... hmmm maybe ill be bi-polar.... im gonna break a chain tonite... one thats been steady for a couple of months now... seems like an enternity since darryl's birhday.... that talk i had last night i guess applies... a lot of my vagueness probably springs from our vague I+/I- references we used to make, and now its juss meeh... my plan is that one day, ill come upon these again, read through them and by following the same thought processes understand what im writing about... i tried once with one and it sorta worked... not too far though so i don't knoe... then i guess its I- for meeh again... fullmer and sunny should be happy, jeez that makes them sound evil... i love how i live in the past... i love how i say "i love how..." i think i got that from marie... hehez got my suite mate to say it too... i think i will sleep now, nighty night and sweet dreamz Mr blog... i have no else to say it to....

2004-10-21T18:34:00.000-07:00

im putting this blog into temporary haitus, haiatus, haitis, hiatis, haitus, haiatis.... what ever.... maybe until next calendar year.... im too tired at night... so yeah.... night night yall'z and have a sweet dream till then.... jay out... :-p

2004-09-29T20:51:00.000-07:00

whoo, wowz, blogging has become about a weekly thing... it'll do.... so yeah, had some interesting discussions this week hehez... and few late night parties.... aya.... yup yup, im gonna be legal soon!... and above that priority wise, im coming home!... yup, need to do somthing... everyday, i ponder my decision, i feel that its righter and righter... juss seeing sum of the uncertanties other people have to go through... its a bit relieving , i ono i always use that word, and im not sure, cuz i think it might have some cad connotations to it... blessed, a better word.. wow, so one week of class is over... exactly... hmm went by fast... so yeah, its official now, wednesday and friday, i will only have one class ending at ten in the morning... wOOt...that means i could come home as soon as noon this friday... which reminds meeh that i will have to make some arrangements... or cancellations... w/e... i always thought that it'd be kewl to invite tons of freinds to an eighteenth birthday... always afraid that only a few ppl would show up, but now that i look back on it, i will have too many friends, so this blog goes to shouting out to everyone one that has changed meeh in a significant manner through my legal childhood.... you won't be disappointed... im gonna try to write this in chronological order, way back in the beginning, some of you might be surprised at who i remember.... never mind, i wrote a lot, something about each person, but then some people they, were important cuz they affected my life, but then i realized i would've had to write alot of bad things about a lot of people, and some ppl's names 've forgotten, and i dont want n/e one to be offended by that... so yeah, too much hassle, soo yeah, juss to let you ppl knoe, that i remember a lot of random ppl, like that girl that lived next door to meeh named angel when i was six, or the annoying guy that offended meeh a bit in jh... so don't be dishearten, cuz i juss wanna give thaks to you all, even all the mean ppl, haha, you guys brought meeh up to who i am, and i thank ye all, but enumerating is juss too long... and thx all yallz for ur random phonecalls and txt msgs.. i feel loved... (actually i always feel loved XD)....

2004-09-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

yeah... im in san diego now.... :-/ ... i guess a lot has happened since the last time i blogged..... yup moved in today.... on my laptop at ucsd.... roomate's name is sina, and dorm mates are mike and arun..... their nice guys i guess.... we'll see hehez.... yeah, and on a different topic, some stuff that i didn't want happen, happened..... it'll be harder.... harder, communications-wise.... so one medium is being restricted a bit, my internet's down a lot here... and one medium i totally cut off for meeh... gahhhh.... these are juss some of the things that i guess we have to get used to bit.... :-/ .... pray for meeh please, i can sense it already that this year is going to be especially taxing spiritually.... juss some stuff i have observed.... finally got a new bible hehez.... yeah, so this morning got up at 8:30 ish, and went to drop kay of at elite, then drove three hours down here.... got here around noon, then waited in a car line to unload the stuff.... hmmm got a comment on how i was lightly packed... i ono.... four bundles of stuff.... staye till three the night before to pack.... sighz.... not used to it.... but in a way it doesn't seem all that different from living at home... aya hundred miles apart now... three-fold increase ish.... sighz.... yeah, hmm jing and camille and some ppl visited my dorm today, odd.... yup, so now im settled in, dark-blue bed-covers, hmmmm roomate brought this interesting pic of eyes in.... its interesting, about twelve eyes on it, and each one is suppose to reflect a different emotion.... sorta, not really hahaz.... oh yeah, stole kay's camera, so meeh try an get some pics posted soon.... hmmm, yeah.... it is much much harder now, but "what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"... i actually believe in that.... from hardships, things become stronger.... its like a muscle i guess..... hmmm the rest of the dorm are away at a party.... first night.... yeah its around two in the morning... oh yeah, and the view isn't half bad, not as great as the one at the retreat, (actually, nothing's really better than the retreat here hehez :-/ ) ... the room is a bit cramped, but the commong area is reall really big, we even have a kitchen.... and our crazy twelve-foot couch... remember, this isonly for four ppl haha, we have sooooo much food.... pantry is full, and everyone decides to bring their own matching sets of dining-ware (except meeh)..... so now we have about four sets.... its really not sinking in, that im gonna have to stay here for eight months..... kinda weird feeling.... and i haven't seen much n/eone else, which is weird, cuz like half of our school goes here now.... played some volleyball today.... man i haven't played in years.... haven't seen ada either.... tomomo, is sunday, im guessing i won't be ab;e to find a churchthis time of the night... first time in a long while i've missed.... sighz...... allergies are a bit better down here.... less smog, by the ocean, o yeah, we have a veiw of a parking lot and a canyon.... the volleyballcourts and basket ball court are right next door.... and the cafeteria is right there too.... egrh still juss can't get mymind off of that one problem... im not actually sure its a problem, and that i need to get my mind off of it..... but really, it is going to be much much harder to hold up our litto bridge that we've come across.... wish and pray.... not i think i will sleep, im gonna need it to match the hyperness of these guys hehez... well lets see what ill dream tonite.... ~nite

2004-09-15T00:47:00.000-07:00

whooo blogging from my laptop in my room.... pretty crazy... yeah, so im leaving on saturday officially now.... sighz..... don't wanna... yeah and my college shopping is officially over... i've got a pile of stuff in the corner of my room labeled for college ie. a new desk lamp, a box of ramen etc... hehez.... phoooo i juss don't feel ready somehow, spoke to my new room mate last night... his name is Sina.... i think he's pakistani, or indian... im not too sure, sumthing like that..... oh yeah its kewl blogger has this service where i type an email to it and it posts the email up.... time saving i think, so im juss putting this in an outbox and sending it in the morning.... yup, lying onmy bed right now.... all blogger needs now is a way to protect post so that they are private, cuz it seems like a real pain to start another secret diary thing that i wanna write... to reciprocate the favor hehez...... siighz.... listening to violins.... its great, right now in my life, i've found my solid stand point.... i thought i did at the end of senior year... but i was wrong... looking back, i really was unsure of n/ething.... in a way, no one can really be sure of n/ething... but now i am pretty sure of a few things.... and it makes meeh happy... where i once thought other things did.... gahh im tearing sooo badly, i think its allergies or sumthing.... sumthing in the air maybe.. its annoying... alos a litto short of breath... oh yeah and im really badly out of shape.... clothes strewn all over my floor... and im still getting used to these big keys.... kinda bad cuz my hand needs to move father juss to reach a key... hmmmm cell finished charging,,,, wierd, its so much easier to talk to a person in person.... i think its cuz you can see their reactions physically to what you have to say etc.... went to borders yesterday i think, got this music notebook, and kay got a sketchbook, they were both "bargain" books, so buy-one-get-one-free.... hehez, so we picked up one of those giant "salvador dali" books.... his art is crazy, on the cover are three nnude figures standing in odd poses.... but when i back up a bit, i realized that it was actually a picture of a face.... and a cow drinking out of a pond.... yeah... something i've always wondered... is art meant so that an artist can convey an abstract meaning by drawn representations, or juss that the artist is inspired to create a piece which had an inner meaning that veiwers then derive... because it seems difficult, for a poet persay to create such a fluid piece of art that incorporates symbolism word to word, w/o the aid of a 2nd party interpreter creating meaning out of his words....getting tired... this isn't exactly wake-up music.... nite nite

2004-09-14T01:04:00.000-07:00

LAYER ONE
-- Name: Jay Chan
-- Birthdate: Oct 1, 1986
-- Birthplace: Hong Kong
-- Current Location: Chino Hills (for a few more days)
-- Eye Color: brown
-- Hair Color: black
-- Height: 5' 8" ?
-- Righty or Lefty: righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Libra

LAYER TWO
-- Your heritage: Chink all the way... woot
-- The shoes you wore today: gray vans, only thing i got
-- Your weakness: kryptonite.... among many many things
-- Your fears: heights, spiders
-- Your perfect pizza: round?....i ono
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: don't really knoe...

LAYER THREE
-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: heyoz, phooo, sighz, hehez, ..., nighty nightz, ermmm, hrm, ...yeah
-- Your first thoughts waking up: mooooreee sleeeepp
-- Your best physical feature: hah!
-- Your bedtime: later
-- Your most missed memory: hawaii...

LAYER FOUR
-- Pepsi or Coke: diet anything
-- McDonald's or Burger King: burger king, only for the cheap tacos, that don't taste like it
-- Single or group dates: single...XD
-- Adidas or Nike: yes, my yellow adidas visor...
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton...?
-- Chocolate or vanilla: vanilla...... yup yup
-- Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino

LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: never
-- Cuss: >.<
-- Sing: why not?
-- Have a crush(es): long ago
-- Changed who you were to fit in: yeah...

LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: 21 and 20 XP
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2-3? i'll let my wife decide that....
-- Describe your dream wedding: white?... erm... i'll let my wife decid that...
-- How do you want to die: i knoe how i don't wanna die.... by an imploded shark tube at seaworld...
-- Where you want to go to college: um...ucsd... i don't really have a choice...
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: an astronaut!.... -_-;;
-- What country would you most like to visit: european ones?

LAYER NINE :In a guy/girl..
-- Best eye color? brown
-- Best hair color? brown
-- Short or long hair: juss below the shoulders
-- Height: 5.5, 5.6 ish
-- Best weight: juss about right
-- Best articles of clothing: erm, shirt/jeans?
-- Best first date location: puente hills mall, few weeks ago... :P
-- Best first kiss location: disneyland... hehez

LAYER TEN
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: many
-- Number of CDs that I own: many all D/L
-- Number of piercings: 0
-- Number of tattoos: 0
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper? some
-- Number of scars on my body: 0
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: 0

tried to steal this from lydia, but had to get it from pat... stupid cursor thingy.. haha....

2004-09-09T19:31:00.000-07:00

ahhhhhhh!!! i got my wisdom teeth pulled out today.... pain.... sorta.... too lazy to take the pain killers.... hehez, walked into a door frame after i woke up.... can't feel my lower chin.... annoying, cuz i can't tatse either.... so yeah lost four teeth, some jawbone, and got four sets of stitches.... gahhh... i can already feel the pressure off my front teeth.... my lower lip is soooo bloated.... ok im done.... so yeah im done with my job, no more shall i wake up early to go to work....ciaoz

2004-09-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

ahhh haven't blogged for a week,.... for some reason i realized... i might never again need to.... welll thats not true... still... here my week overveiw...boring...done.... hehz.... ok...yeha juss came back form tutoring its around 9 at night, and i got a bit tired while driving, and i misjudged a right turn, and then i realized that i was driving on the sidewalk for a bout 50 feet... -_-;;.... whooo.. ok, to the important stuff, came back from the summer conference.... hmm i might be wrong earilier, disneyland isn't the highlight of my summer.... reason being, the phun was only shortterm.... but the realizations i made there will probaby last meeh a lifetime.... reaffirmed some things i thought earlier, it's good.... so some highlights would be... long talks, taboo, fluxx, some meals... oh yeah and retalliation hehez.... so, ps duane gave a talk about dating... i think i got this whole thing figured out.... it all makes sense, and with that, actually, comes a whole new perspective on life... i think i knoe now wat i have to do, and im very optomistic about it... hmm oh yeah, the very reason i have kept a blog all this tyme has really been a way for meeh to get rid of bad thoughts ish,.... its sorta easier on meeh if i release everything to the world, and i juss pretend ppl are listening... now i have someone i really put my trust into.....don't be surprised if i don't blog as much n/e more..... hmmm....yeah, really enjoy those tyme when we juss sit and talk.... nice....i finally understand how stuff actually works... i mean, why theres been some things i've felt that i can't comprehend... not those....bad ones...it doesn't really mean i have fixed them... its really a misconception that "once u find the source of ur problems, the problem goes away".... though it does give meeh a springboard into finally fixing them.... im sorry for those....to many ppl actually.... phooo....its another one of those times when i truely realize how distorted our veiw of family should be... dr. inrig was great too, a lot of insights on how the church, and us should operate...hmmmm, i finally see some long term goals... and it really is calming... and knoe that the goal will be fulfilling, and unselfish.... feels free, yup.... thx jess..... nite nite