Wednesday, May 05, 2004
#$)*&%*^%#&%$@&$#@&#*^%$*^%$&#&%$#&$#(^%*%$(%#*%#@#^%^$(^%$#^%*%$(^$*%$&$#(&^%*^$%#(^$(^%$(%$(^$(^$%$($^%%^$*^%$ .... venting.... simple: ever felt like you've juss been so close to sumthing.... sumthing that was so close u feel u could reach out and grasp.... and because it was so close, you feel like you have it already..... see that was how I felt.... but then fate always has this sadistic way of pulling the rug from under you.... amazing how a few minutes of the day could change your outlook on life.... well for the next month n/e wayz..... Barragan... heh don't remember how to spell it.... sumthing no one's ever realized was that we were very much alike.... during his freshmen year... he had a convo w/ meeh.... he told meeh who he always wanted to go to senior prom with... and how he knew juss from the beginning... since HIS freshman year.... so i thought to myself, who would that be...? back then, i admired his courage... " wow.... how can sumone be so sure about sumthing as unpredictable as prom in four years?" ... really, the thought drilled meeh for a long tyme... notice i still haven't forgotten... well, his senior year rolled by... ( i was a sophomore).... knoe wat he did? he didn't go with that person.... y? ... simple, we were both screwd over.... not that some one was plotting behind our backs or n/e thing.... juss the simple fact that we are the type of guys that have never been veiwed as "hot" or "boyfreind material".... im sorry if I sound really bitter.... this blog would be filed under the other bitter sounding one I did a few weeks ago.... I really shouldn't be affected by it so much... i mean really... who cares.... not the first tyme..... then again... thats juss it... again... this has happened again.... and really there is not much I an do.... sit back and watch the other ppl, borne with a great sense of charisma and the American fool-hardiness, that some consevative families, or azn never taught.... well im both.... sighz....
(gasp a new paragragh) really, i don't want to seem like the basket case here.... but for once.... i finally summed up the courage to do sumthing i wasn't sure of.... the thing i totally feared comes true.... remember another blog when i told about these dances at a math camp?... well this girl named karen.... three weeks admired from afar... cuz i never thought i had a chance....also.... all through elementry school, crush i had.... never got courage either... watched my best freind ask meeh how he should ask her to be his girlfreind..... don't remember how it turned out.... but it is that same shyness that has inhibited meeh from ever taking initiative....coming baq to the current.... this is really the first i've ever tried, not knowing the answer.... which if you really think about it... it still really open.... dunno if i should or not.... my thinking is that by the time n/e reads this... it would either be too late, or they have no idea wat im talking about.... hmmmm.... iono why but its actually easier to debate with oneself with their bearing the soul to the world..... its liberating..... having a character, whos private life isn't his own... but is broadcasted... not to the world... but to a select few who weren't select, but sees by chance.... thats one thing i've changed.... over the years, i've noticed.... before, i was sooo afraid of judgement.... freshman band trip.... AGH I REMEMBER IT HAPPENED THERE TOO!!!.... yeah at the trip, i roomed with josh and fullmer.... at night, after lights out.... we'd do this "oh yeah, who do you have a crush on" *giggle* thing... I was so afraid to tell n/e one n/e thing that, even in the prescence of TWO, i couldn't say n/e thing.... i told fullmer, he gave meeh pity... so that was the trip.... this brings meeh to another point.... jealousy.... I am sooo freaking jealous.... even in times it seems crazy/ foolish/ stupid/ out of place for meeh to feel jealous.... old crush gets a BF... JEALOUS.... its really that bad... thats wat im feeling right now.... unexplained.... cuz realy i have a chance at things.... i ono i ono i ono i ono i ono i ono..... haven't had the "blessings" from some other ppl id hope to have gotten... i really was hoping u knoe some of her freinds would have at least leaked a hint!.... (travel into paranoid's mind) maybe she got the hint.... thats why she not responding.... cuz she really doesn't want to got with meeh.... (baq into the optomist's brain) or shes juss not acknowledging it so that i could still feel like im surprising her (a bit of a stretch don't u think?)... WHY IS THIS BOTHERING MEEH SO MUCH? it shouldn't!.... massive headache... three hours of sleep last night... two tests to worry about today.... that whole thing this morning... ahs resulted in a massive headache.... not the place i usually get headaches, but it feels like its inside of my head right underneath my skull... massive pressure.... it was really bad during orch practice... loud drums.... really bad...... debating still... need sum one liberal to talk meeh into it.... i do thing best when under peer pressure.... (haha thats sooo terrible)... y does it seem so easy for everyone.... to get their hopes up.... Epiphany!.... IT DOESN'T MATTER!!.... if she says no.... then wat... so it'll be a bit awkward for a while and if she says yes then whoo.... and the other guy.... well... his problem.... im really not trying to be mean but.... its either him or meeh, but dog eat dog... now i juss meed outside backup..