Thursday, July 29, 2004
hmm..... i juss realized that this blog has been in existence since the beginning of senior year... so its been capturing all my life for a year, or actually wat i've wanted to keep in there.... which really is not a lot when i think about it now.. there are those moments when i'm juss:" I gotta blog this later", but i never do, cuz i forget.... grrr hehz yeah, its a bit annoying.... a lot of these blog over the years have just been drama... also. its weird, i never say things this outright, cuz i usually think about it first, but right now, im sitting in the dark ( my lights broken, or actually, my dad set it up in a way so that if i turn it on, so does my other computer..) and it juss seems easier to dig deep, and let words flow out, so today iwoke up, and went to work, it was unremarkable.... same old same old... then got baq, did some ddr... maan im soo bad at it now, took meeh a  few tries to clear paranioa.... then went to go dragon dance practice, the rim on the drum broke,  and its one of those giant chinese drums where you have to take out a thousands rivets to remove the skin head then replace the whole shell.... :-/ ...  yeah... its so easy to do stick tricks on it cuz the mallet is double sided.... hmm.... talking to jessica right now.... its weird.... this tyme of life... for meeh, i feel that im drifting away from my freinds sorta.... and its frightening, that in college im gonna have to find new freinds,  then later in life im gonna have to find freinds at work, maybe with the neighbors.... and its juss awkward that at i will not be able to see that everyday at school, and like eat lunch together.... uncertainty frightens meeh in genreal.... i ono why, im not the person that would try new things... (except restraunts, im all into eatng at the next place we see) ...  like n/e important life decisions, i always go for the safe route.... its annoying sometimes... for meeh too, i think i've said enough about this topic in older blogs, so you can refer to those... sighz, then theres this thing i have... its compulsion... i ono if its good or bad... i think its bad, cuz ppl do stupid things in compulsion.... sumthings i kinda regret after compulsion... those things usually happened in the dark.... maybe ill regret writing this later... but events, like on buses, in theaters... not good.... on some of those occasions, i would have thought it out days before and then that one spur of the moment, change my mind....regret.... (gonna sound like a fundamentalist again).... talking about it at sunday school.... i've thought about it, resisting temptation, but at those moments i'd still falter... a litto voice in the back of my mind.... nothing short of the devil and his minions.... so weird, nowadays sometimes,  some things i do i will feel a dark, gloomy feeling... as i've described before... that smokey, dirty lovenest in the great gatsby.... dats another problem.... i have this weird way of absorbing everything i read, after a long book, i would start to compare my life to a character with in a book, eg.. Ethan Frome... the sad old man stuck with a sickly wife.... i don't knoe why but i could cohere and juxtapose my life to his, and in an odd way it fit.... some ppl would say that the author was great in doing so, but it sorta hurts because i looked at my life and started to wonder if im missing that metaphorical younger woman.... btw, i saw it all as a metaphor.... i could careless that Ethan had lost full capacity of his legs, but what more important was his debt to he wife and the invisble chains.... sighz.... isn't the world so corrupted now as to think that that we are all destined to be like oedipus, and that all men are endowed with his faults.... its creepy... reading the death of a salesman, i became the salesman, a man's search for meaning, i became part of the holocaust.... its hard to tell what was originally there... hmmm..dats enough stuff.... harmonica report... do not buy Lee Oskars!....  it sux.... i mean the tone is great sorta... but the bends are hard to control, and since the reeds are thinner than western made harps (yes, Lee Oskars are made in japan)... it sorta squeals like a dog whistle.... painful.... hohners are still better.... hmmm im looking into swans... chinese made, supposedly not bad.... cheap too.... i ono, time for meeh to go... nitey nite and sweet dreamz all y'allz.... (oh and this thig i got a habit of doing now) ~Jay