Sunday, October 24, 2004
i realize that i have a really bad problem of following things through.... even quiting, im having trouble following it... so the blog isn't gonna stop n/e time soon... i guess i juss fell back into the thing where i blog when sumthing happens.... something happened... i juss gonna write about it.... see, i would be such a great author if i knew how to write... phoo english class here's an eye-opener... no thx troy eng teachers, they were nice and all, but let a lot of slack juss fly by.... the professor right now, whom we call sim is a cool guy.... actually taught us stuff... studied eminem last week.... apparently one of the rappers he featured has had two master degrees... the song was "when the music ends"... got a little appreciation for D12.... wow, this is my first time ever saying i agree with rap.... phhooo.... yeah, but sumthing happened today.... it made meeh think... (actually, everthing makes meeh think)... i ono, in my point of veiw, ever thing thing is symbolic.... like this is the way that God teaches his lessons.... by referencing things to teach about others like parables... the think i had to realize first was that everything happens in cycles... not like in Buddhism where even life was cyclical, but the little things... God keeps pressing these things on meeh and tries to make meeh learn from them... but apparently after four tries, i hope now i have... four... i hate this number now... thats one thing thats bad about numbers... it classifies things... see either it is because we count things and have found out that separating makes it easier, or that because we separate things, there are sections to count... i hate putting this into a specific catagory i have... repercussions are numbing.. its something i've been going against for years now... but its kanda sick how im forced to break it... forced is a harsh word... not forced but falling-into-the-fate-of..... sorta...seee next tyme (hopefully there is a next tyme) ... teh reply will be four.... i think im losing my hair... really... i wonder how many times i go through my cycle before i get it... or if theres sumthing to get... another thing thats weird is i kinda expected it to happen, cuz i knoe exactly how it feels... actually, it was explained to meeh in the exact same words that i used... and the funny thing was that, i replied in the exact same way... yeah it is a cycle... therehas to be some one in the world whos experiance is like mine... juss i guess that person is meeh... hmm kinda weird, i think i've posted this before: how my expetations are lower... not in the fact that i expect less, but something else... maybe one of the reasons why is that i never reached a goal i stived for, or it didn't fullfil meeh... gosh, im being harsh.... i hate it, not this, it... not that i like this.... cuz i really don't... seeing something slip away that started so well.... am i being wrong not trying to fight it, am i suppose to fight it?... part of meeh wants to... but then, i don't knoe if i have the strength... more so, its really because thats what i would've wanted meeh to do, thats what i had wanted... another thing, not totally un related... but sumthing i thought... is it possble? or not... cuz with that expectation i was talking about, comes the result of either excepting it, or knowing myself well enough that i should try to fight it.... yet, its not worth it, cuz it isn't good... or does it even matter... mattering is a different question, a lot of things i realize now that doesn't matter, for instance, how ppl see meeh, it doesn't really matter as long as u hold true to your belief... i've been think ing about that often... it was around the tyme i became legally adult, i wondered to myself, "what does adult hood really mean?" cuz, the state says its when ur eighteen, the culture tries to tell u that it is when you get responsibility, (or when you run home).... i gotta find what God say about it... shich is a crazy coincidence, not that i believe its really a coincidence, but the small goup im a part of is going through the "meaning of being a man of God".... i had a revelation then, that it was finally able to stand by ur beliefs, thats as good a definition as n/e w/o losing generality to the apllying to other ppl... i see other ppl trying to become what their really not... and its horrible ina way... i admit that im an introvert... not too much, but enough to enjoy the company of God alone... its soothing, like right now, no distraction in the world except for listening to myself think, i ono if its heathly (especially now thats its four in the morning) but it is... thinking, i realize that i can sorta compartmentalize (longest word ever)... some emotions i have, its really not good, its equal to repression, cuz it juss explodes later.... but for now, some new things are being separated... hmmm maybe ill be bi-polar.... im gonna break a chain tonite... one thats been steady for a couple of months now... seems like an enternity since darryl's birhday.... that talk i had last night i guess applies... a lot of my vagueness probably springs from our vague I+/I- references we used to make, and now its juss meeh... my plan is that one day, ill come upon these again, read through them and by following the same thought processes understand what im writing about... i tried once with one and it sorta worked... not too far though so i don't knoe... then i guess its I- for meeh again... fullmer and sunny should be happy, jeez that makes them sound evil... i love how i live in the past... i love how i say "i love how..." i think i got that from marie... hehez got my suite mate to say it too... i think i will sleep now, nighty night and sweet dreamz Mr blog... i have no else to say it to....