Sunday, November 21, 2004
how do you get rid of the sense of nostalgia..... face it, the past is sooo much funner than now.... am i nostalgic because i liked the past better? or is the present unbearable?.... why is it unbearable?... not like i really have a reason that its unbearable now... beside the fact that im tyoing in hte dark, and i might have to withdraw from a few things... no, not drugs... they're fine... jkjkjk... but i ono... staring at my "crazy shirtz" photo.... can help but remember a lot of things... sighz.... why is it.... it was better baq then... am i juss afraid right now?... everything seems so uncertain.... theres one good thing about never feeling at ease, is that you never feel loss for n/e thing.... that terrible right.... yeah.... listening to the soundtrack from the movie glory.... very good... i love i2hub... sunday night... nothing to do... typing in the dark again... it helps... i can actually feel my darkside coming out when i do this... (yes, cuz my darkside i sooo evil).... but really... i guess i do sound depressing... phooooo.... got a new mouse today... and a headache... bad pancakes... im tired of all of this... what is expected of us... maybe i should change...not that it really matters... cuz in the end... it really doesn't.... we're juss spending these measily short 70ish years waiting to die and hoping we "make sumthing of ourselves".... of course theres more, but i don't feel myself working towards that.... soothing.... its too cold to sit under the stars now... they were selling blankets at price center for 15sh... tempting.... dat'd be nice right about now... thoughts crossing my mind im not too proud of... i hate this.... i don't value it either... but i knoe many otheres who do... and the others don;t realize... they might be appalled or tolerant... either way, they seem to be faring pretty well... thats what i don't like about success, some one must be hurt.... even if it not in the monetary sense.... im being trampled over.... they think i don't notice... i love how no one will ever get this.... its satisfying almost.... hmmm.... odd, was searching for something earlier in the blog, but i seriously can't find it now... does that mean i've deleted stuff? i try not to... even though it might get meeh into trouble later, its still things that validate that i have existed this very moment... isn't that sad... maybe my life juss began right now... but i can then look at these journals and remember not to repeat a lot of the stuff i've done... in a way the elder is teaching the older... some time later in the future, the "now" meeh will be an elder to the older Jay thats become.... and i will teach him... or at least remind him of teachings... not tonite i guess... maybe ill retire... juss for tonite.... nighty night and sweet dreamz