Sunday, November 28, 2004
i don't see why i'm blogging right now... its 2:30 in the morning.... but it's during this semi-concious state that I can think clearly.... what?.... yeah... normally im too focused on little problems, but now i can step back... great thankgiving w/e too... odd the way it turned out.... knoe what i don't even care n/e more... read what u ppl want, it's the truth.... so one realization that i had driving back from disneyland yesterday... (oh yeah i went w/ sister, camille, and gwen) ... camille sitting next to meeh, gwen and kay asleep in the back... the girl i had a crush on in junior high is sitting there, six years ago, i would have never thought that it was possible... why do i tend to associate myself with ever loveless chao i see?... not hanging out with them, but i mean believe to be in their place... one more thing i hate... i think i might have had to do with considering everything in terms of the the degree of I... that luck in love is just level attain, and n/e girl can do it for you... wow, im starting to sound like this guy i knoe: "hey, a vagina's a vagina".... i'd like not to think im that... but i do remember a time when i felt like that... are we so impersonal nowadays that anyone can fulfill that need... (and it is a need)... such a sad state... its good to look at the past and see whats wrong... so yeah i was talking to a good freind of mine... it made meeh realize some flaws i had... why does it always feel like i'm doing damage control?... that i've already mest up my mind so much that all i could do is to find whats wwrong and fix it... is it even good to fix it?... i knoe disney is telling meeh not to... not that disney is such a great thing... but i guess it has to have some stuff right... heres a thing that disney is probably wrong about: how to treat ur children... thiis sound correct right?:a parent should praise a child even though his beliefs do not agree - even if he's not doing well... wrong... doesn't that sound odd?... if a child is doing something unagreeable, he's wrong... correct him, and don't praise him if hes not doing well, he'll think that he is...gahhh... i don't even knoe why i go to disneyland hehe.... doesn't it always seem like im bloging about that stuff... never n/e thing else.. heres sumthing else actually, remember how i was pondering on what was it to be a man?... i still don't knoe yet, but this mens group thing sorta in is discussing it... interesting topic... hmmm, didn't have that feeling of going to disneyland... i used to be afraid that i would die the day before going there... juss because it would be a shame to be so close to getting there and yet only be a day short.... didn't have that this time.... i think the magic in it is truely gone... neither did it really reminise n/ething... only about once the whole of yesterday did i think about the time i went with jess, or the tiem i went with fullmer, or the time i went with my cousins... all i saw there was blatant commercialism... not that i didn't enjoy it... wow almost three... is it wrong to think that the parents are wrong for treating meeh like a child?... it feels like that..."no i don't need that sweater"... "no, i'll sleep in a few more minutes"... it must be a common question... doesn't stop meeh from thinking it though... also one thing: why do i "feel" so much... is it even good to feel that much?... actually thats not entirely true... ppl feel juss as much as i do... juss that they seem to be feeling happier more often... (its not juss because of the bland feeling after having phun)... but maybe i really am depressed... i could sit in a room with happy ppl having phun... yet juss sit there and wallow... i ono, i hope not... why do i even blog about this stuff... im annoyed... actually i knoe why im doing this... its to recover from my childhood spent in secret... i mean that as in i never told n/e one n/e thing.... now im telling everyone everything... well sorta... i really still can't talk about really personal stuff... its gotten easier... its good right? to be able to divulge... no, i knoe what it is... i don't have a white guy for a best freind... hehez... lesse: tim baker, zhenia ossipov, micheal aranda, james fullmer.... white best freinds that i could tell the world to... and now i talk to none of them... i miss not having someone to listen to meeh... odd to say that... i knoe my pastor will... and i knoe a lot of nice ppl at IV will, hey even the ppl i hang out with probably will... it doesn't seem the same now... all i have left is this blog... sad ain't it?... hahaz... >.< .... something mrs. varieur told us that i can't forget: "do you want to be known as you, or ur girlfreind's boyfreind?" ... her father is still teaching kids after all these years... for meeh, let it not be the latter... but its hard... one thing i'll never forget from her class... i thing one problem is that im not growing up fast to match the world, or the world is surpassing my own growth... everyone around meeh is dealing with these crazy problems, and meeh, im juss standing there trying to be naive... Naive you are/if you believe/life favours those/who aren't naive.... baybe piet hien was too naive... but then i see others who cling to their childhood... or juss live by it... and doing very well... other times, i feel those adult-like ones, are acting childish... im soooo confused... new years resolution part one: stop this nonsense immediately!... i think i can do so much more juss by forgetting about it... or maybe im put on this earth to figure it out... i mean ofcourse everyone was set here unequally, i think we're all made to solve a problem... like there are a few things wrong with my soul, and life is a way God lets meeh fix em... like greed for rich ppl, and jealousy for poor ppl... for meeh it's: lust? ... i guess thats the closest term... wow its hard to say that your a lustful person, it falls under greedy right?... everyone's greedy, along with those who are guttonous, or wealth-seeking... doesn't make it ok... actually i think thats why its so hard for ppl to accept christianity, to admit to failure... too many proud ppl in the world... i'll wrap it up here... i ono... nite nite and sweet dreamz