Sunday, November 07, 2004
yup, once a week.... something sorta been bothering meeh lately... i've blogged on this topic before... but i just don't think i got over it... hmmm i had to sit here and think what it was... the last event i mean... i remember now.... end of last school year... prom season... that illogical mess i got myself into... my weird feelings towards ppl that i have no right to.... its happening again... it stinks cuz both happened to be really nice ppl, but i juss can't shake that feeling... one thing it ties into is my belief that everyone has their place... how easy would it be to knoe my own "level" and stay there.... its totally contrary to disney... hehe went to see "saw" today, i almost laughed through one of those moral monologues... but really that feeling... i hate it... hate it hate it... maybe i am depressed... not juss llike teenage hormonally depressed, but really depressed... maybe i can really play the blues now.... but it feels so good typing in the dark right now... i need zoloft, hahaz... the way i force my laughter... its not really real... i asked myself, if it come how shall i knoe?... i don;t have an answer... watched garden state, i could really feel the guy's depression.... maybe i need to juss let loose too hehz.... man, get back to real life.... life is, that i gotta go to church in three and a half hours... that means i get about two hours of sleep.... why do i even do this?.... i feel used, or sumthing.... social chess... and the king juss sacked the pawn... why am i never a knight?.... pawns i guess are able to tolerate things because they think that one day they might become queens... but if you've ever really played chess, not likely... i guess what im saying from the start is that im jealous of that knights... i've known many knights in my life... maybe've been jealous of them all... how they can seeming break rules, jump over peices... wasn't that a sign of depression? to watch life happening around meeh... why am i afraid? what am i afraid of?... stupid chivalry... i took it too far... hmm.... knoe what i realize that might have blogged somthing ealier that i thought would no longer apply... but it does... ill see later... nite nite