Monday, January 03, 2005
midnight.... blogging with a cup of ramen in front of meeh... hmmm its not dark, its not cold... good day, bad day.... last two days, my mind turned off, my heart might have turned off... ramen is reeally spicy... just how i like it: thick... a lot of ppl don't like thick ramen... the soup i mean, cus theres less water, but it feels good in my mouth...ramen as a whole is a good thing to eat at midnight, it warms you up... but, really, its bad for you... now a slight heartburn... bad things happen in the dark...hmmm... well, another year is here... wow, can't believe we're almost half way through the first decade of another millenium... crazy... saw the ball drop on tv... oh the times, they are a'changing... 18 getting to about that time i gotta start thinking about the future... how ugly that word is... besides the two U's... what other place than the future will you be sure that everyone is dead... so not looking forward to it... i guess everyone has to... break out of our nests... what a pain... adam and eve did a terrible thing... no point in pointing fingers... but to wonder at a world where there is no toil... childbirth has no pain... but mostly without toil... where food juss comes from a tree... i'd love to not have to make decisions, but juss do as we're told... we usually screw up those decisions n/e ways... why is it so hard... lots of decisions i make now will effect my future... and i ono which future is in store for meeh or how fast i want my future to come... headache... metaphorcally and literally, had one today, took three tylenols... wish there's a tylenol for life... juss make the pain go away... oh wait, that drugs... i mean ones without side effects... a lot of ppl (meeh included) would rather not take a tylenol if it is not out of dire necessity... was sorta this morning... but most of tyme, i juss want to feel life as it is... i ono... how much life do i live before it becomes too much?... been living a little too much these past few day... my mind juss turned off in a few occasions... it almost scary what i am capable of... pictured it in my mind a few trillion times... thats whats bad about it, it'll dispoint you when truth happens, case in point: fairy tales or little kids, they believe that there will always be a happy ending, always be a bad guy, always be a prince charming, always have to be the hero, always have good prevail, always being placed in a fantasy land that doesn't reflect reality... i lived in that fantasyland once... once now seems a million years ago... some cliffs you fall off cannot be climbed... you juss sorta stare at the peak with the sun in ur eyes... u turn the other way juss to see another cliff... and a long way down... not true though, you don't really see these things come, they juss appear, and it's too late.. sighz... slept in a weird position last night... neck's kinda sore... can't sleep, it's two now... have class at two tomomo... and juss eat some crackers... oops set alarm clock for two AM... juss rang... hehe... hmm... more things about regret... this whole theme in my life about not having regret... will i one day?... cuz one vrey important reason... maybe i still am living in that fantasyland... like i have been... happened last tyme too... i either pretended it, or self-justified it... funny thing is, i knoe some ppl who lives in my fantasyland, they seem kinda happy, do they not knoe that they're here?... ignorance is bliss... that much is true, there a second part though: ignorance doesn't last forever... in that case, ignorance spawns future regrets... what is regret?... isn't that the vainest thing a person can feel?... im only talking about event for which the consequences have expired, the other kind is called guilt... but regret, it no longer applies, and it no longer can be changed, yet it manages to lodge itself in the back of one's mind and slowly devour a man... i love that man... the man which in metaphor can express everything that i can't... the man, in my times of trouble, helped solve my problems just by picking flowers in the middle of a forest... i don't even knkoe him n/e more, nor remember the details of his stories, like the horse trainer.... he was many things... i have so much to thank... and yet, he's only in my imagination... no, he's not an imaginary freind, he doesn't talk to meeh, he's more of a scapegoat, or a mediator, or an orator.. juss there for meeh... i might need his help now... he can explain things that i can not even think up the words for... it might juss be the language, or my lack of proficiancy in any... commucation itself, is not difficult, it's the having to explain every single implication that comes with the statement of another... all in the implied stupidity of the world... that why i love this blog, im expressing myself without having to explain it... maybe i might actually be happy being alone... i can live in total choas, and my thoughts garbled, but no one will knoe... tired... been awake for a long time now... mind doesn't work too well with the lack of sleep, i used afraid of sleep for the fear of tomorrow... really, sometimes its frightening... the most phobic thing (beside spiders) is the fear of being caught in a lie... juss realized that now... it wasn't really my introvertness, that disallowed meeh from telling ppl things before... it was my fear of them catching onto my lie... i used to be deathly afraid of parent teacher meetings, ciz my parents would learn the truth about my work in school... funny, teachers are technically your legal guardian when ur in school, most ppl don't noe this, but their not even allowed to give their pupils a hug... yet, once something happens, they have to take all the blame... this whole mistreatment of teachers is insane... we ask them to teach our children, yet we keep a watchful eye over their every move... as if corrupting pupils through humanism isn't bad enough... the parents juss stand there and agree... "you should persue ur dreams to the fullest extent, cuz you can do n/ethig u put your mind to"... if you think about it realy hard.. you start to realize how terrible that statement is... it all helps to build up that fantasy for a child... other things like that build hedonism and selfishness... all part of our culture... ok, ill finish this later, im sleepy and im starting to think incoherent things, so ill juss finish this in the morning... nite nite