Sunday, February 27, 2005
wow, i haven't blogged FOREVER... lots have happened since last tyme i did...don't even knoe where to begin... i think since then my life has completely changed at least twice.... more specifically, i knoe now how this world works... it hurts to break out of my little shell... completely shattered... i was sitting with a freind a few weeks ago... haven't seen her in a while so i decided we should catch up... sat talking for three hours... about her troubles, about mine... at the end, we come to one conclusion, it was the the world was now corrupt... not the the world has changed much in the last year, but our perception of it... to see it for what it really is... how dark it really is... things are complicated now, people our complicated now.... we sat talking about how a freind had betrayed her, and how i had recently broken up... yes, i was in a relationship the time i was away... and now its over... things happen too quickly... so we were talking, in this storeroom... this is how the world is now... it's sad.... i've done a few things that i am not too proud of recently... actaully i had hypocritically shattered everything that i have ever believed in... it seemed like my moral fabric had just ripped... (also my grammar improved)... (a bit)... my belief in the sanctity of a relationship... shatter... it takes standing in the dark to see how bright the light actually is and how far away you're standing from it... historically, it was a complete I+... anyone would have wanted my position... maybe... but it is after the pleasure and the fun and the sheer bliss of the moment that one stops and realize that he has just sold his soul... i can't say that i've gone that far yet... but everytime i look into the mirror im afraid of what my reflection has become (also, im reaching my freshman 15 >.<) ... it makes me nervous how fragile our wills our... juss a few posts ago i think, i was talking about how a man should act... he is brave, faithful, caring... all the good qualities that are hidden... but now i have made a mess of things.... i've also drank.... yeah, for those of you who think its glamorous, you're actually pretty stupid when you do... action wise... not to mention the hangover in the morning... sadly, i knoe that when im done typing this blog, and i've returned to san diego, and im sitting in my dorm, late at night... the temptations are just gaoin to riase again, and i will probably succumb to them... lots of things make me nostalgic now... was looking through some old pictures posted on denise's website... i look at all those faces... of mine, of others, of denise... and i've come to a half-conclusion... actually i've known this for a while now... that im sad, and lonely... i look at those faces whom i do not knoe anymore... all those people are growing up without me... parting roads in this giant forest of ours... diverging... then i made another realization... maybe, i've never stopped having feelings for denise.... it maybe that, or do they just remind me of my past?... with her, i was happy... with yen i was happy... then i realized, my life had been till now marked by my successes and failures of the heart... what i did in the last month or so... should have been the greatest milestone ever... but it doesn't even hold a light to the feelings i get looking at these old photos... something about the past is really inviting... i remember when i was with denise for the first time, maybe the second time... every morning i would wake up thinking, 'hmmmm, i knoe what me highlight of the day is going to be' ... that stolen kiss when walking to class... marching beside her.... when i looked virginia, i didn't feel that... sure, at first there was the racing heart, and the constant thoughts, but then those started to die... i took a self-diagnosis of myself one day... i just stood back and observed myself... am i really that emotionally dead?... evenwhen i broke up with jessica... i shedded at most one tear, whereas when i broke up with anna, i was crying for a whole week... my heart is so numbed now... so callous... im afraid of myself... afraid of what i will become... afraid that one day when the true opportunity shows itself, i won't be able to recognize it... i will just stand there having a reminiscent look on my face... distance makes the heart grow fonder... i think i truly understand that now... what can be farther than the past?... at least with the moon, i can try to jump high enough... no but time... time only goes down.... i asked myself a while back... how long does it take to get rid of some unwanted feelings... feelings i had for old crushes... uneeded feelings that i shouldn't be feeling... then now i ask myself, where those feelings gone?... their numbed... one crazy thing about thise world... or about humans... we want everything... my life marked with events of the heart, i have wanted my share of things... yet, it was stupid because having everything is really having nothing... i am reminded of the story of a lady who wished to be rich, but only received her prize in the form of her husband's life insurance... its cold... in the same manner, i wanted to try the perks of being in college, to live out every teenager's dream... only thing that happened was the death of someone i hold dear... my heart... in a way this is good, never having to be hurt, but no matter how crusted and thick one's heart is, it doesn't stop it from wanting... all it does now is want things that are unholy and indecent... i want my youth... it surely was simpler back then.... many things i would have done differently... not a single day goes by when i ask myself what would have happened if i never broke up with denise... or i never joined band, or even if i never went to troy for that matter... yeah, nostalgia extends to my dreams now... i am tortured by dreams of the past... or relics of my youth be broken... it haunts me every day that one day, everyone aroundme willl die, first my grandmother, then my parents, then teachers, then my freinds, and one day i will die... living in my children's memory maybe... and pretty soon, they will die, and i will be forgotten... ashes to ashes, dust to dust... i don't have many freinds now... or to say more clearly, i don't have many friends that i had even a year ago... they've all moved and grown... so have i... i have some wonderful friends now.... but something still annoys me... the life style that i had been living to pursue a member of the opposite so often... leaves me with little friends... uring those periods, i devoted myself to her... didn't seem right to have fun with my freinds if my girlfriend wasn't there... or time spent with my girlfriend, or even courting one, i could have spent with other friends... funny how they say that freindship shouldn't be measured in quantity but by quality... very true... right now i have the best of both worlds... yes sarcastically, i have few freinds that i don't knoe very well, and they me... i miss the structure of highschool, i miss the warmness of home, i miss the rigor of band, i miss the order of life... now, i don't knoe how to deal with things... i feel old... the people that i had once taken care of is now taking care of others....age is felt by comparison... i compare mine with my sister's... i feel very old... next year, she will be a senior... then she will also be in college... oh how time flies... i still remember the years i spent running around an old apartment in hongkong... those are the fondest memories of all... it seems that the farther i reach, the more things are valued... the world is so marked by change... i just need to flow along with it... but i was comfortable on my little rock... my friends were on that little rock with me, wathing the ocean go by, and now we have all jumped in, and the waves have torn us apart.... old pictures are terrible, they bring back all these memories... i guess there is one good thing that came with my change... its is now that i am able to even voice my feelings... there was an instance in highschool, i was given the chance of posting an anonymous letter online, i could have reveiled a murder, and no one will ever knoe... it was that note i take comfort in expressing my ideas i wrote something tot he extent of "hey victoria, i have a crush on you, will you go out with me if you read this?" ... no one ever read it... and i was comfortable knowing that no one will knoe about it... actually it is pretty much the same now... i am pretty sure that no one reads this anymore... goes to show how many friends remain... i equate this to the catholic confessional... those people don't really think that talking to a priest will save them... they only feel goood becasuse they leave after sharing theirt problems... i am sharing my problems now.. it's taken me two years, but i have finally defined what this blog is... a confessional.... i tell my stories to this machine... it, in turn, tells it to the world ... i will it to good use now... i am afraid, afraid for my future, for my heart and for my will.