Friday, April 29, 2005
alright another dream time.... first things first: i reall need better tyme management, seriously this has been the worst week ever... nothing that would be drastic to grades cept, not good either... hmmm oh yeah, imma get a calender, these postit things are nice juss doesn't work mosta times..... ok so, that leads into the dream i was slacking off again, and i fell asleep, i was at my dream college again: now it more and more resembles ucsd... so, "Jane" was visiting again, and somehow there was a giant staircase and maze in there some how... i don't remember exactly... and we were trapped or somthing... there was two sections of my dream, one i was passionate with this Jane, and the next she juss left, and i spent the rest of my dream looking for her... knoe what? shes been in my dreams a lot... maybe she's juss a symbol... of my fears? the one which goes "i will never find someone to be truly happy with?" that i've fallen past the point that thats a possibility... every time, Jane is in my dreams, its always been sadness or parting at the end... when i talk about possibility, it's never been about one person... juss generally, is my past dark enough? a thought juss hit meeh: when you ask a philosopher what the two most regretful words are, they'll answer "what if"... i have a better one: "and yet" ... see, "what if" is used after a failure such as "what if i had done this and that instead?", "what if so and so was there?" but "and yet"... "and yet" means that you've gained acheived your goal but found that it not what you've expected... "i've climbed this mountain, and yet..." .... i think its actually more painful to knoe that your accomplishments mean nothing than not having accomplished it... so my answer to the question is "and yet....." ... im tired.... in many ways, tired of learning... no one can learn everything in life, so why not be content with what you have?.... thats a terrible way of thinking... im tired of drama.... i mean, aren't we all... drama screws up my sleeping schedule somtimes hehe... drama, has caused me to break down in tears... drama.... im tired of griping... do it yourself, if you think people can't do it right.... im tired of laziness... i feel terrible afterwards... im tired of facades.... i thought fitting in in highschool was hard... college people try it even harder... im tired of rap.... i hear it too much, it's to angry... it's too demoralizing, its too loud, its too smokey?.... that reference again.... im tired of optimism... optimism in many things... it gets your hopes up foor sometimes no reasons.... im tired of dreams... it falls into optimism...you wake up realizing all that you've hoped for was just random brain activity in the middle of the night and that all you'e experianced in the last "dream week" was juss some bad mustard during the day... im tired of not being able to type... it increases work speed... im tired of ranting...there's always so much to rant about.... so, i'll juss stop... headaches a bit often now... the loud bass from the floor above doesn't help... know what? one more thing im tired of: smiling.... to pretend that everything is alright when youreally feel like shit... thats tiring.... how many times have i been forced into my smokey room and have to smile about it... how many times have i had to wait till early in the morning juss to do thing i want to with out comments, how many times have i wished people juss to leave... to be left alone... loneliness is a drug.... if you get used to it, you get addicted... the peace and quiet is juss nice... yourself is the greatest freind you can have.... sure it still judges you... but it's able to comfort like no one, sympathize like no one... sighz..... haven'e done that in a while.... actually talking to Jane right now... freakin optimism.... unfounded, unreasonable, undeniable... i actually have no right to feel this way... or do i?... that whole thing about knoeing your place... i've said this before, but its terrible.... it may be easy... to just hide behind the straight line... never stepping out to make something of yourself... how useless is that? world's never been changed by juss sitting behind that line, but i don't know if i really want to change the world... the world now is just so comfortable... is it really comfortable? or is it just that im lying to myself into thinking that it is comfortable... so i wouldn't have to change it.... sad thing happened i guess last weekend, didn't knoe about it till last night... and aquaintance of mine passed away... its not the first time that its happen... not to say that since its not the first time, it doesn't hod the same depth and seriousness, but juss the fact that the longer we live, the more chance that people around us can pass away... another person i knew who passed away last year... i just remember her fire.... the flame of life so to speak... juss the hope for the future that she had.... what happens to her memories?... the years of learning... about things about life, just gone... i guess thats why being a must be rewarding, all that knowledge will never go to waste.... it must be shared... i guess it can't be reasonable to pass on everything about one's life... the childhood memories etc... i guess some of that may live in anectdotes... that why i've never ignored an elderly person telling stories... that how they live on really, by spreading there memories... ill spread one now, for an old professor im honred to have learned under, retired two years ago... but tol us about his years in the army marching band.... played the french horn... yet couldn't make a single note.... that got him out of combat for all his years in the service... good man... now a bit of him lives on in this blog.... a guess heaven we'll have more time to reminise, but can we make new memories? i bet we can but what about mistakes.... what do you really remember in life.... mistake... sure, some times of phun get stuck there too but mistakes and regrets, they make up most of your memory... thats a bit sad isn't it... they build you characater... mistakes.. either you learn from it or not... they determine the person you become.... thats what were on this earth for i guess, to build our characters before going to heaven.... i guess a lot of things... just once i wish i could be more sure of things... things are nicer when you're sure of them... undecidibility..... long word for a lot of bbad times.... how many times have i been undecided on a topic and have it come bite meeh back later... etting rid of that may at least get rid of some regrets and "what ifs i might have later"... but for now... and yet.....