Thursday, April 07, 2005
Dream time: hehez i guess another regular thing i do... hmmm i always wanna blog these super vivid dreams... actually this ones bad, it's two days old so i only have parts i remember... old really vivd part was i was riding a bicycle... i ono the bicycle is always symbolic for meeh, something that everyone else can do but i can't... i sorta can see how that relates ith my life... a few thing i can't quite come in terms with... i guess its an important thing... but the most i remember about that part was how free i felt as I glided away on the bike... another thing that stood out from the dream was a scene in a diner... or a location like it... so a certain person sits next to meeh, I will call her Jane for now... Jane sits next to meeh... my hand just happens to have been resting on the armrest... so I let my hand fall a little, onto her shoulder... I thought she would mind, but she just sat there... the funny thing is that this image of sitting there sits heavier on mind mind ( in the i can still picture it better) than many other real memories I have had in the past. Her head then just rested on mine... it was one of those moments when you realize that you are actually in a dream... one i probably didn't want ending... but there was her head, on my shoulder... felt nice... felt surreal, not that it was real n/e ways.... then the weirdest thing happened.... our lips met, unexpectedly...( remember i'm still dreaming, ie: not real ) the kiss was long and thoughtful fully aware... it just seemed so out of place in this diner... i almost enjoyed it... knowing that it was a dream... i know i woke up after it... because I don't remember n/ething afterwards about the dream.... I can't tell what it means... and yes I know who this Jane is... maybe its a reflection of my true feelings in my heart... in that case, I maybe superficial, or it's juss another passing fancy... because... i can admit to that... funny how that works... this go in cycles... cycles again... i really thought i had broken out of my cycles.... actually they have gotten worse? iono, truely its really weird... this one being an extremely large cycle with a giant radius... never thought i would again... at least i broke out of another... that one was painful almost... i survived... good thing... but this one, it might actually be a good thing... wait, last time i thought it was a good thing, i managed to screw it up.... thought the future was so set, knew what i had to do... and now i'm just lost as ever... the saying goes things are darker near the light.... i'm very dark... and that ink seeps into white cotton... seeping ish... i dunno.... i've noticed it's been coming closer and closer to home... that my goals started beyond the ocean, and i juss traveled east ward from there... it's a good thing? i don;t really knoe... but it's juss i don't find anything else appealing... not really thats a lie... drinking too much water.. feel bloated... soooo out of shape... talked about the future recently... how much of that future is really mine? i mean that vision of having a quiet house in the suburbs with by two children and beautiful wife leading a stable life... i mean is that really my wish or juss something that society has pushed meeh into trying to attain?... hard to tell these days... the accepted norm is juss too norm to not accept... same way, im almost expect to stay off the bike, cuz "it's ok not to know how to ride it" not that riding a bike is a necessity but an adventure or an obstacle... I actually knoe how to ride one but juss the imagery... see here's the thing even in metaphor i refer to the past... how much am i living in the past? or does anyone really allude to future things, kind dumb i guess... that kissing scene's still replaying in my head... i guess thats what dreams are... juss dreams... by why has the english language connotated a dream to mean a wish.... in chinese for example, its different... i guess i can try saying that what i dreamt was not a wish, but that would also be a lie... i cannot deny not wishing for it... heres the thing, how do you start writing on a blank piece of paper? its so smooth and pure, and what if you found out the back as already been scribbled over... heres a better question, why would anyone want to write on the scribbled side?... or even spin a story on a piece of paper with scribbles on the back? i guess you would discard it... it's frightening an image from one of my favorite books come to mind... a boy has a dream that he is being discarded into a waste basket (woot go brits) ...crumbled, he looks up.... to be scribbled upon... how scribbled i am.... just lost about five million "dollars" in a poker game... kinda funny i guess we always have dreams... or wishes i mean... see how ingrained that is... so i don't knoe if i want to wish to write on blank paper... but i knoe i certainly dream it... good dream.... i wish i could dream that again... another wish, i wish i was more romantic... it goes in the subhead of outgoingness, but i see others displaying their peacock feathers, and here i am with a paper fan... can a man's nature change? don't knoe why i wrote the word "love" a few trillion times today, on a peice of paper, in a few languages... don't knoe why, is that what i have on my mind? cuz its certainly not love, or the love i wish i'll one day find... know whats funny i believe that love can be grown... like between any two people... is that just a super optomistic veiw of things? i think thats the basis for arranged marraiges, I mean theres no doubt that many of those couples have loved each other all throughout history... and is it possible for love to die? for two people who were once in love to fall out? its really funny, i think of this all the time, how my blogs, and my life really revolves around this topic of love, and yet i don't actively seek it out... or im juss too afraid to seek it out? what happens if im disappointed in what it actually is?... because really, i've been disappointed many times before... youth and foolishness don't really mix, likewise, on the flipside, cynisism and callousness aren't the best combination either... i guess im the latter, i don't really expect much n/e more... it kinda sux, i mean when i was young of course i dreamed of a lot of things, love was always one... me and my then best freind tim baker talked about it all the time... i wonder where he is now... it seems so impossible to find ppl these days... facebooking... slim chance? How much more of a common name can you get?... slow search... tired... i wanna tattoo... not cuz it looks kewl, but somewhere i'll look at everyday where no onw will see so i can remember things, remind myself... hmm four tim bakers... i wonder how ppl can change over ten years... would be interesting... whay am i so into my past, what is there? besides a haven... isn't it sad in a way? i don't what to be those people who don't have a future, as in not able to create a future for himself, always have to look at the passt for glory... i can see why the death of a salesman is often harolded as the greatest piece of american literature ever... so easy to relate to... am i big brother Loman? highschool was my glory... the number of freinds determine my worth?... can't be true... i have great freinds.... great great.... juss i wish i saw them more often... be kinda kewl to meet him again.... ok im off now enough ranting... ranting feels good but its also tiring....