Friday, April 08, 2005
wow two posts in two days... this is a first in a long while.... hmmmm, today is the 1st anniversary of the hawaii trip... sad stuff... i miss it there... all the world faded away when i was in hawaii, i guess distance causes that.... was talking to someone i met today about distance... it's weird because she made it sound so easy... i guess i didn't try as i should've... (past) but then again i guess this whole post will be about the past... hmmm it's weird the independancy i felt in hawaii, it feels overshadowed by what i have now... (typing on old keyboard, the keys are louder and smaller, its gonna get some tyme to take used to)... but yeah, like how i could juss leave the hotel when ever i wanted... it felt good... really... now i can do that n/etyme i want... how far back can things be in my mind... it was at the tyme last year... even stuff that was present... the circumstance at the time, all pushed back to the corner of my head... felt good, like a drug good... it's never really where you are, but who u're with... i was with some of my best freinds and it felt good... now i guess i have some good freinds around me... it still feels good... something is missing though... something that in the process of living this life, a void... its not really spiritual.... i've filled my spiritual void... juss when i'm sitting by myself sometimes... thoughts go through my head... in fact, a million things go through my head... many "what ifs" .... follow by "done this", "made this", "left this alone", "followed this"... all such... juss so many things that could have happened... one main one that runs through my head a lot: what if i was more outgoing... i mean i think im pretty outgoing now... but rewind a few years... it was hards enough juss asking a girl out back then, what would've happened if i came easier for me? ... (upon reflection, its not any easier for meeh now...) hmmm, something, something... i talk about myself too much in this blog... yeah so my moms in the hospital right now... six pelvic fractures and a broken rib... the rest of the family is starting to feel the strain without her at home... shes fine right now, going through rehabilitation... eating properly and all... one of our lovebirds juss died... why? no idea... it juss fell flat and silent... weird thinking about death... this culture is too much into living thus ignoring death... i mean it seems almost taboo to talk about death... its really a natural process, yet people are hesitant to talk about it around dinner per say... why did that bird die though? was the food bad? did he die of a disease? did he get pecked to death? ... funny, i don't really knoe if he even was a he... hmmm my own mortality... was watching the pope's funeral last night till like three in the morning... whating as billions of people around the world also watched... what would it be like to be the pope and die knowing that millions will come to your funeral... so many deaths recently, in the news, everywhere... the world is growing old, and i with it... juss i cannot even fathom the day when my parents will go... as they one day will, and then perhaps my older freinds will start leaving, and then one day i too will go... what do we leave behind? what will my parents leave behind? a memory of them in my head... what will they be when i'm dead, a name to my children... and when they pass, my parents will be forgotten... i don't even know the names of all my grandparents... many of them died before i born... to me i guess i owe them thanks in perpetuating the the life cycle that produced me... but what of i when i go?... is it even worth leaving anything behind? the pope, no one will forget the pope... he is literally one in six billion... but me, i am also one in six billion without a name... is it even important to be remembered? as those who remember you will one day die... i guess thats where eternity comes into play, i love having the realization that there is an eternity... but from that, it renders the human experiance not really important... i mean what is accumulting wealth do you, if one day you'll die? that goes for fame and such... i've taken that and applied it... i've realized that it wouldn't be too useful to become famous or n/ething... just be happy while we're here... how does this relate to the above topic of hawaii? i guess it really doesn't... man, i miss hawaii... it felt safe, like the whole world is where it should be... nothing bad can happen in paradise right?... crazy shirtz!.... hehe had to throw that in there... yeah, i think i will go back to that post and read it to nostalgize.... nite nite