Sunday, June 05, 2005
juss needed to blog.... once again, lotsa things happen between blogs... i mean i blog like once a month... tons of stuff happen... and i ono... something i realized a few minutes ago... shoot, im really lonely... i ono... i ono... i ono... thongs happen that make meeh feel lonely... by no means am i isolated... i hve people surroud all the time... its basic a matter of quality than quantity... its not saying that the ppl around meeh now are of low quality ( those some i woukd hesitate to say otherwise) ... for starters i realize that im not as tolerant as i first thought i was.... many things piss meeh off now... i try not to show it... heck its only a few more days... what the heck... but the matter i wanted to talk about is i h=guess this ritual that happens now... im glad that it happens... it a vent for loneliness, i guess its also one way to grasp on to the olden days... then again, its depressing watching other people move so fast past me... i dunno if i can ever keep up... im so tired... this ritual, reaffirms the conjecture that people, all people, are basically afraid of loneliness... i mean, why are we afraid of death... its cuz we fear the void, the parting... no ones afraid of death for the pain... we fear not being able to see the people in the now... we fear being separated from the things that we hold dear... the things that remind us of who we are, the landmarks of our lives, the cornerstones of our personalities... we fear that we will lose them, to the void, to death... why do babies cry? they fear not having their mothers, the most primal of our fears... why are we afraid of hell? cuz we are parted from God.... lonliness... thats why i love it, i know there is someone to listen to meeh, that why i love blogging, at least the server will hear meeh... i guess we juss crave attention, iono, not necessarily an attention that generates a response.. i mean i tyoe this blog all the tyme, no one ever says n/e thing baq... its not depressing... one thing i realize about it... its a way for meeh juss to think, to read back to myself what im truly thinking ... right now im listening to static over the phone of denise presumably sleeping... its slightly soothing... i can hear nothing except the static, not even breathing... but i knoe that theres another person on the overside... and i was talking for a abour 20 mins to that static... once again, its soothing... juss to knoe that their there, how sad is that... how far do i go to reach the past... not really the past, but for safety... i guess with denise and fullmer i juss feel safe... i feel like the world as it should be... everthing else is crazy.... everything else is fast... im typing faster than the computer can echo..... i taking that back... i can hear breathing only slightly... oncea again. it feelss good knowing that their there.....lots of ppl these days they can care less if you fell down a cliff... weird metaphor i came up with when i was half asleep... loneliness is like being stuck in a ten feet deep hole thats about two feet wide... the sun shines into it about 3 minutes everyday, then the reast of the time ur juss left in the dark your limbs can't move, but your head can look up and down, the blue of the sky, of the pitch black of the earth... juss i guess it all depends on which you look at, i for one am afraid that i have been staring to intensely into the dark... your eyes start to adjst when you do that... thing being to grow fron the shadows... and its easy to pretend that everything is alright.... i don't knoe anymore, things are kuss way too crazy... tired of many things... pissed at many things... the year can end as fast as it wants... fakeness is still not on the top of my hated list... and hypocrasy is somewhere in my portfolio... oh how i've changed.... from the beginning of the year to now... i was pretty optomistic back then wasn't... i thought i had it all figured out... then i had a giant bombshell explode right over my head... what was i to do? .... what should i be doing.... what could i have done..... ow pathetic are these questions? men are jerks... all of them.... im one... a jerk.... some more than meeh im pretty sure.... nice girls always fall for jerks... girls don't be nice... trash the heads off a guy, and if he still comes back, then he really likes you and hes nice.... thats an overly general way of putting things... but generalities are nice...things are easier to predict when they are considered in a generality.... you knoe what all this is?... words... a bucnh of words that i dont think i can even live by, now that pathetic.... hypocracy... i hate it, people who say they knoe things, how to change, how to act... i hate it when they dont... i hate men who use women.... i hate marijuana... i abhorr the death of freedom, of a spirit, of a spark, of that one thing that sets that quality apart... juss to dive into a pile of mud and to wallow it the ugliness... it sickens meeh how people do that... i conpare it with those who wallow in clean sheets.... how much better is the feeling.... i for one don't.... im jealous.... yes i am..... *sighz*.... haven't used that in a long tyme... not since soph year i think.... or "sigh..." that was something between meeh and that person.... i guess thats the problem of being used... gotta reinvent yourself everytime... so that a comparison cannot be made... how difficult it was... but i have a feeling that these are bad.... there aren't many changes you can make to a sculpture before you start hacking at the frame... and then suddenly the whole thing blows apart... in a mess of rubble... the crash of a human being... a giant mess.. i haven't quck gone that far yet.... or have i?.... even the sound of someone sleeping over the phone is worth thr weight in gold... i am tired... tired of walking on thin ice everywhere... in my own room... i wonder what these poor women dream about... the delusion they live in.... they must be so happy... who am i to interfere? ignorance is bliss until you wake up or learn something right?... maybe i would rather be ignorant... its juss nice to forget things... ppl with alhzeimers with nothing to lose muxt be great... to live in a delusion... to live in a fairytale, a storybook.... must be nice... philosophers... that must be a cruddy job, you gotta live through someething, and then be tempted into studying it.. to relive it ans take it apart... and reason with it... how does this thing we call life have reason.. i mean most things happen on the whims of fate... on the unpredictable current of time, on the unbalanced stream of eternity, how can we not want to lie to ourselves?