Thursday, September 29, 2005
crud...bad time to have weird thoughts... its about 2:30 int he morning, and im juss starting hw... for the whole week, i;ve been wondering was everything worth it... iono... isn't that sad.... interesting discussion this week... made me think, while they might not have realized it... but yeah... one question for myself, right now, if the person i love is someone i can't live without who would it be... who would it be?... i hate reading guyshy novels or watching movies... not that i hate them... in fact i envy them... the feeling of my heart doing flips when the hero makes a wrong decision... i ono, what if thats all the feel i get the rest of my life?... we are so saturated with hollywood.... californication... thats what it is... man, i really need more sleep... weird thoughts come easier when that mind is weak... like right now, im driftin off to sleep , and all i can think about is stuff... maan.. no more scrabble at one in the morning, cuz those games last a long time... actually i think my internl self-defense is kicking in finally... the more i tink about it, the more I realize how foolish i am... but then another thought comes in that says i could improve on it... i guess thats how things are... I really can't escape from it i guess, all part of growing up or sumething.... I remember a story that was once told to the youth group by uncle byran... i ono if i could have his strength... in any respect heh... but really, sometimes i juss wish for it... its mostly what i think about nowadays... this place is haunted... or sumthing... eeryweird niche is a crazy faroff remeinder off it... but really who can i no live without? its not for me to decide is it? i mean... this whole this must be decided upon by both parties... self-delusion is easy... really, lying to myself is soothing at times... makes feel feel like i have more control... control,... how stupid is that?... i could get run over tomorrow, and I would have no control over it... i love how humans try to control every part of their lives, and find out that they suck at it... really, how many lives do you see go down the drain because they wanted put themselves "into their own hands"?... sighs, i ono why i even try... is there a difference in that, i mean trying and taking control?... i think one of my downfalls is blurring that partition... cuz, in my head i thought, hey if i can't change n/e thing, why even try?... sooo wrong, all that i achieved from that was nothing... how much time i spent jjuss trying to give responsibility away, or to rely on the work of others... thats not quite it... most of the time i prefer to do things myself... but that type of control, or initiative never translated into impetus to excel... that may be my downfall, using fate as an excuse to be lazy... (these really no reason why to euphemize things n/emore)... was invited into a group a while baq... even though this thing isn't formal or n/ething, i could not agree to the creed, i would have had to lie... how do i live now? ... its really not that hard, juss a little bit of others-delusion... stressing at times... facade sucks... talk is cheap.... good night