Tuesday, September 06, 2005
first post in three months... maan i really need to blog right now... and once again im gonna restate the thesis of my life "ignorance is bliss"... it implies that knowledge is actually very painful... yet, we all try to knoe as much as possible, so in a way, we are very much like masochists... the only difference between normal people and people who cut themselves with knives is that one doesn't realize it... ignorance is bliss... read a few books in intelligence this summer, had nothing else to do besides reading, went to ragin waters yesterday, realized how small the thing was... but yes intelligence... the brain is nothing more than a place we hold our memories... so in that respect it is just another organ... the soul is the thing that discerns the value of these memories... when i say memories, i the sum of all experience whether recent or long past... this fact haunts me... that we are inseparable from our past... not that it is a new realization or that it wasn't intuitive... but it was able to pin-point a lot to reason behind my actions... one implication of this is that we will never forget things that have happened lest it changes our character... and there lies the problem... we cannot forget the past... the ugly chapters of our lives... and well as the embarassing and regretful times cannot be erased or ripped out like in a diary... ofcourse many people would wonder "wait there are some things that i don't remember" but i claim that you do... since the brain remembers temporalk events it is likely you have to trace backwards to a familiar event before recall an obscure one... i just realize how many regretful things exist in my past... how many times i wish that i had taken a diffent course ... the two most powerful words in the english language is indeed "what if?".... and also the most destructive for a person.... "what if i wasn't there at that place?"... "what if i hadn't tried..." regrets... pain is useful because it instructs, fear is useful because it enforces, but what about regret?... what physical or evolutionary purpose does it serve? is it spiritual?...nothing, there is no reason for regret... i would rather learn a lesson and be fearful of a taboo rather than to be regretful of it... maybe it means that i haven't learned anything... in many respects, i haven't... i still fall into many of the same fault as i didn't a year ago.. fervor does never solved anything... all the little mementos of the past help reinforce my regrets... everywhere i look in my life, my tiny habits, physical memorabilia.. all do that... help... i am not just a computer that can bbe reformatted.... actually, it all is pointless... regrets... one reason many people love movies, and long drives and social gatherings... it take the mind away from itself... the most horrific things in the world reside in one's subconcious... the reason why we are afraid of heights isn't because the fact that one is elevated causes fear, it's because we have been told that being high up is dangerous... that tiny fact is then reinforced again and again as we live our lives... i envy books, characters in the books... they live their timeless existence in the control of others... when a person doesn't feel like reading a book any more, he sets it down and walks away... o harm done... the characters don't mind, the author doesn't really care... in fact people could care less... but our lives aren't like that... they cannot simply be laid aside... we can temporarily with the the many escapes available, but it comes screaming back at you... regrets, it keeps on screaming at meeh... i guess there is much i regret... the best thing i can to is learn to deal with it... what is the couse of regret besides an unwise choice in the past... i mean we as humans are constantly unwise... maybe it's the magnitude of some of these decisions... i am at a loss... things that cannot be undone... for the time being, is guess the answer is "deal with it"... nothing can be done... how many ways can the heart be divided? how man times can it be given away?.... between work, and school, and hobbies, and the wife and asperations, and exgirlfreinds, and broken dreams, and lost freinds, and regrets... when is the damage irreversible?... wat if i' already at that limit?.... what can we do?.... pray.... i think its a good time to redefine a few terms... for myself... sex: people tell meeh different things about this, and by reasoning this subject away, and redefining it over the years, i have justified many things... now , the definate term is, an act of intamacy... think about it, how do we bound the amount or degree of sex except b an arbitrary line... it is painful for me to say, but i will venture to note, that this too will be redrawn later... pornography: material that leads one's mind to wander... i mean shakespear was a pornagrapher, leading with the lush language of his... maybe im depressed... took a self-help quiz... im mildly depressed... good enough... even though i can't get rid of memories i can get rid of mementos... hard... how do you throw away the past?... infornography... a trem coined by an anime series... the addiction to information... yeah, i have it.... scientists have it... they need to know everyting about anything... and that is our downfall... i know too much... i can say that already... its nothing secret... then again, the world knows too much.. or too little both now seems to be disastrous... i wanna go on a journey... how do you know the great pyramids of egypt even exist... so much i think i know... but it is accepted at face value... ok, i think im being long winded.. going to borders...