Friday, October 07, 2005
i had a revelation today, but i forgot what it was so too bad... stuff... never knows best... im not a quitter, what can i say?... blah... excuses... i guess its not good to quit... nothing's where it should be, yet everything is in place... the gears are turning away... so a little story about a man... he has been injured and struggles to make his way into a hospital... yet, he is afraid to tell the doctors that he is ailing... so this is his logic: to dress up in a doctor's robe and see if the wouold heals itself... it just might... the thing is that... it won't no matter how many facades there are... or is it just this time of the night.. really, so the mail never comes... with good reason i guess... maybe the mailman's dead... stop blaming the sender... and this is how self delusion works... always the deliveryman's fault... i wish i had read waiting for godot so i can quote it... ehh... but yeah... i guess things never turn out the way i always thought it'd be... i pretend that ppl care more than they really do... or its juss the time of the night talking... seriously... maybe i'll sleep earlier tonight... hah... this insomnia is a bit addictive... totally not what i had thought... seriously, from the point of veiw from last year, standing in that cirle, or square... w/e... really, noo idea... i guess ppl aren't freindly as they exude, if that makes aannyy sense at all... hmmm what i need to do this year at least once is to eat spicy korean noodles while blogging again... found a kind of zen in the action... or just a weird meaning put to some meaningless action... useless... pointless... meaningless... howmany ppl are described as such in the world, wouldn't it be dreadful if it happened to you?... the things is... im lost... why must the future be sooo uncertain?... way of the world, w/e you want o call it... freind told me an anectdote a few days ago... seriously, the world can be so unexpected... so perilous... and in a way repetitive... so proves my theory... that fate is cyclical... really, fortune forces you to reconfont many of the failures in the past... so my count stands at six... not that they were all failures... but even fools learn from the wise... and even fools don't make the same mistakes a second time around... a good question of separation was brought up about a week ago... haven't actually sat down and thought about it that much... but i guess i realy need to... even those that are younger now strive for it... follow suite?... kinda hard and unforgiving... sighz... either way... there is no dichotomy... nothing is good, nothing is bad... i hate it... the thing is, doctors tend to save patients instead of other doctors... playing that role for many years... learned nothing... hmm shoujld cube myself see whats the outcome... haven't done so in years... still, that model is waaay over simplistic... wonderful if it really worked out that way... i can't remember my last cube... must have been bright... nope, i was wrong... like always... its ok though... its a bit expected... actually i may know why... then again, im juss talking myself through it again... such a bad habit... not my fault... i feel like passing out... so sweet dreamz... historical note, first person to say that to meeh online was yen-ba, who was two years older than meeh in high school... funny what we can remember....