Saturday, October 22, 2005
ok, at home and the comp decides to die so my last hour of typing disappeared... but, i still gotta get stuff off my chest, so heres another hour... yeah home this weekend... caught something unholy... a cold maybe... really not looking forard to the recovery or whatnot... yea t'is the season... not a great time to get that chronic bronchitis/ alergy thing either... yeah, soon i won't be able to wear contacts for a while again... gah... yup, so im at home again... stranded without a car... been an interesting two days... some old freinds... its kinda a good thing to see other'd perspctive on how i've changed... haw they're changed... sad ish, actaully... wheres our innoncense?... how they're changed... or how i've been left behind... read something i wasn't suppoed to today... broght meeh to tears... know theres still truth... so many knights and knaves on this path... cept what do you do when the knights themselves have started to lie... in that case, the problem is unsolvable... kinda had to stand... didn't really shock meeh at first... most cases, people can tell... is that actually how good people are at lying?... is that how good i am? i was?.... i guess people juss stopped caring... kinda hurts... see, in the old world, even the knaves could point you to the right path... maybe the point isn't to distinguish them... i don't think it ever mattered... still you want to point the knaves, no?... yeah i need a good talk... I-- (C-notation, yes, im a geek)... but really... i think i just give up for now... so much of meeh doesn't want to... there really isn't a good replacement... actually what am i talking about, there is no replacement... when an addict goes off weed, he'll go for coke... i'm trying to change... aren't we all... realized something today... logic really doesn't appeal to meeh... rephrase: my gut can speak so much louder than my head... thats not quite right either... or that i learn better when i feel it... it like music... give meeh a sheet and i can't play for crud... but someone else play it for me, and i understand what he intends with it... then i think i can play it too... not quite the right analogy... gotta let go of my life a litto... or juss don't believe in luck so much... that seems kinda contradictory, but it really isn't... so how do i not become that knight... its if i don't direct anyone... i guess i don't have the authority to... and in all honesty he doesn't either... can't say it... it ain't right... but the thing about leaving the offering at the alter... i understand... its really hard... so yeah, talk i didn't need... not that i didn't enjoy it... what was it, digging up old wounds... not really wounding .... whoa... this new thing... made me forget about everything else... wow, how disporportionate my mind is... i really can't just concentrate on one thing... not the right time for this... not the right time for anything... actaully.. i wanna travel... Madrid taught us this... how do you knoe that the pyramids are really out there? you've touched em? thought not... that'll get my mind off things... actually in that case you really don't have a choice... flights of fancy... heh... it'll never happen... i wanna do that... have more life... you knoe, the last fourteen years of my life have been devoted to studying... maybe, juss maybe i need a change in perspective... lots of people say they want a college degree to help ppl... see, for meeh, i've never seen those people... actually, i don't really knoe how computer science actually helps people... i knoe more and more, nowadays that computers are solving pharmecuetical problems or designing dams... see as always, the rich become richer, the poor poorer... i really don't knoe... maybe ill be a doctor... hahah -_-;;.... wow reminicing again... note for the future: i had a freind in hong kong name angel that lived next door... mann... mean thoughts going through my head... hatred eases the pain?... maybe... or its juss late at night... coughing's getting worst, and i really need to get some rest... something's keeping meeh up... this unknown music is actually pretty good... i don't know it, and it never ceases to suprise meeh... ok... im done... nite nite...