Tuesday, December 06, 2005
one thing about college, it lets you learn, but it doesn't let you think... you don't really get to think about anything... actually it really doesn't teach you anything... so in the end, everything you realy need to knoe in life, you gotta learn urself... was watching old education film from the 60's on the history channel... they really don't do that anymore... seriously back then there was lessons to teach you how to go on a date... taught behavior, taught ettiquite... the society needs this stuff these days... kinda corny/cheesy/overplayed ain't it? to blame society on things... but i think that there are truths in that kinda stuff... society really isn't what it used to be... we fall into so many perversion, that even i'm starting to believe that their normal, and the "old ways" are just "uptight"... heres a mental journey... really seriously, what would the childhood self say about you now?.... wow im a mess... oh man, they totally stole my idea with that scifi show "the triangle"... hehe my childhood fear was that the bermuda triangle was gonna expand and engulf the US... silly times... might as well... another fear in my dreams... it actually tured out well in my dreams, but if it was actually reality, i wouldn't knoe how to deal with it... unwise... unwisdom?... stupidity thats the word... what i did was stupid... moronic, lame.... wait shoot.... omg.... i've been pining over the same thing for the last ten weeks... loser... bitch.... i guess thats all i do... how lame... i guess i have to get over it... baq to the childhood thing... man, never in a million years... or never in 12 years... still thinking about it... hmmm think of going to audio blogs... face it im a slow typer... takes meeh a hours to do these things... i guess those things only set meeh for fantasies... seriously... can't really escape them... im afraid... decisions... im not really fit to make them, and past decisions haven;t really been that wise... i don't think that future ones will be wise either... its all a lie... i knoe exactly what i have to do, i just can't bring myself to do them... don't science consider that a medical problem... with the brain at least... addiction thats what it is, knowing that i have to do something yet keep on doing something... if wisdom comes from experiance, should be wiser now... yet... still so many urges to make bad decisions... how come i have to sort this whole life thing by myself... why is love the focus of my life... interesting thing that an english teacher told meeh once...one day, her father asked her: "do you want to be be known as you, or a man's girlfreind"... i think that thats really true and applicable... why do i base my outlook on life through these means... maybe cuz i was built to be a family man?... heh, not the way im developing... but yeah, how come i can't see myself as other people saw me?... probably im just sick of it... i heard it so much as a child... ooo talented, gifted and all that BS... thats all i was to them.. lets see i was certainly not athletic... not for long... not skilled.. not handsome... not well spoken... nothing i could've worked for... but i was praised for something i could not help but to have been born with... yes, it may have been a novelty as a child... but it has to real-world value... heck it doesn't even have survival value...so i have to resort to the only thing i know how to do... or resort to thinking about... wait, why exactly am i trying to figure things out, or rather why am i trying to blame things for my characteristics?... it should be my fault... i want to learn to farm... to work the earth, to at the end of the day, come home and be a true "breadwinner"... to feel good about having accomplished something... to make use of these god-given hands... face it... compsci can only feed the rich... while it it true there must always be a rich... and not that the world requires a rich, but in the sense that it'll never go away... i guess my purpose is to feed that rich... debate about the space progam a few days ago... one thing occurred to meeh, thing like pure science, and movies, playgrounds, even politics, its just entertainment for the rich... you see third-world countries, they'd never even consider to fly a man to the moon, their only aim is to feed the hungry... as with us, why isn't that our goal? we should feed the hungry... why is it that i get to pursue my dreams...it used to be that the child grew up to be a hunter like his father, later he was an appretice to masters who accepted him, then it wasto grow up to fill the family business... but for the first time in world history, and man can grow up drop all of his father's trappings and strive for his own goals... ever notice how even white looks gray in the dark?... worst metaphor ever... not that it doesn't fit, it is actually very applicable, but the implications are terrible... to me, this is the only reason we learn literature - to read too much into the read world... maybe we're supposed to... we see a hard working bee, and we teach that metaphor to a child... humans were create to understand metaphors to infer abstraction... i mean, love.... thats abstact... how do we even relate the care of a mother and the infatuation to the wife... weird tie if you ask meeh... someone to who'll watch over me... great song... paradox i've come by... fate is strange... anyone could be the right person for you right?... but on the same note... anyone could eb right for you... how do you knoe if you've missed her, or if you're gonna pass her by? why does this keep buggy for anyone can be that someone... why do i even believe in that special someone... im not special... im really going deaf, had to pan winamp 33% to the right when listening music to make it sound right... pun not intended... i think i know what im interested in doing... compsci specializing in embedded systems... distibuted computing, miniturization, all that... more and more so im pretty sure that what i want to do... really its the future i think... at least thats what i've been wasting my time on the past few days... i don't get it... i really don't... good night, or morning...