Monday, January 09, 2006
whoa, the blue thing grew... tiredness... so yeah this is the new year... met an interesting man coming back from home last night... it is true about the whole disillusionment thing... didn't get his name... met him on the bus, and we juss started to talk about the economy, vietnam war and such... found out he was born and raised in less fortunate family on the east coast... growing up he aspired only to become a factory worker... and live a peaceful life... that is until he got convicted... i ono, i guess the moral of the story is the frailty of security... i look at my life... its actually pretty sweet... most of the time not a care in the world... i don't deserve to complain... frustrated... on thing is that i can't to hear the alarm clocks in the morning... (whoa, right after i said that, im complaining already...) but yeah,i knoe how to fix that.... other thing... i finally why they call it a frustration... what they mean by release... i don't think i need that really... not right now... too many things to sort out... too many things to still decide upon... so what am i still thinking?...apparently the things i've tried haven't been successful, so time to restratigise... im so tired... the new quarter came like a brick wall... the topic is pretty interesting... theory of computation.... heh, big words... hm something i must rant about... you know what really grinds my gears: (heh) people who shout the answer in class to a problem cuz they learned it somewhere else and think their smart... no sign that they reasoned anything at all... so yeah, this new subtitle i have up, big fuzzy ball of hypocracy... took me a while to really realize that i am indeed a big fat hypocrite... (working on the fat part -_-;;)... im not worth the words i say... frustration again... many times its hard... carry out something that you say you will do... i guess one thing that im struggling with that is i don't think highly of anyone who can't do what they say... including me... not the most helpful thing for building up self esteem... knoe what i found out i really like... silence... just the peace that comes along with tranqility... like at night when everyone's sleeping... just to sit on the balcony and watch the night go by... or midday nap when everyone's gone off to class... so silent... music, many people don't understand, is the balance of sounds and silence... hmmm if this compsci thing doesn't fall through i'd really like to go into psychoacustics... or however you spell it... how people percieve sound... why do some sounds bring about fear or hope, or strength... like ever listen to a four measure phrase, and felt a sense of incompleteness during the third that is then fulfilled by the fourth... or how C-D-E makes an Aminor song sound triumphant... stuff like that... mad... at people who are hypocritical... they probabl don't know it, but how do you even approach people like that... people who find assurance and confidence in what they believe... belief... actions speak louder than words i believe... or the lack thereof... it is very true that a man may be measured not by what he does for people, but what he does by himself... in that regards... i know that i am a terrible man... i guess i know myself, my thoughts better that anyone and dcan only judge myself... now taking into the account that i may juxtapose this image with the images of everyone else in my head... and it makes me seem really lousy to myself... maybe everyone feels like that once in a while... and this is why i can't stand hypocrites... they have the pleasure of imprinting a glorious picture of themselves... in people's heads... and maybe they can lie to themselves enough to believe that they are this great person... thena again, how trivial is this, to compare men with men... when all will fall short of the glory of God... hmmm, it really is tempting to try to ignore his presence... be the king of yourself... how the devil was spawned... i love how it is fated things are just analogies of everything else... to be able to see relationships in nature and in humanity or even mathematics that describe each other... it really makes the human experience easier of understand, if everything could be seen in simpler analogies... i guess this is the way humans were wired... english teachers these days forget to tell their students... that the reason that they are gleaning alalogies from literature is to practice that one day, they may learn to take meaning from life itself... it really is beautiful... i have a giant blow-up of the sistine chapel picture in my room... more specifically, only the fingers of God and man... what is interesting that michealangelo painted is that man shys away from the other finger... while god's hand is outstretched, adam's is retracted with a large bent on the wrist... the artist wasn't stupid (but at the time heretical)... he really does understand the nature of men... that humans are inherently bad... and shys away from things that seem more glorified then themselves... hmmm, i guess that makes me human...