Wednesday, March 08, 2006
so what is it?... truth is one thing... our minds are another... what is truth for our minds?... why is it so easy to lie to yourself... is it cuz im weak?... tired of it... why does my head play tricks on me, telling me things... stop... please... nothing happens anyway... never has... i feel like im wasting my time... feeling... maybe they're right, im basing too much stuff on feelings... what is feelings? maybe its just an excuse for the fact that our heads really can't comprehend some things... the pessimist in me is talking... what happened? how did i come to expect the worst of things... theres only two ways that humans respond to something new... by fearing it or laughing at it... really... i really fear this... its not that new actually, its juss i fear that i am getting used to it... all my life i have been taught that it is correct, and now that it inadvertently becomes reality, i loathe and regret it... when you are used to something, it takes a long time to forget... maybe i am right, i really don't feel as much as i think i do, i just can't accept the fact that i may not be able to understand this... i think of it all the time... most of the time i guess im juss reasoning myself out of it... placating my fears, giving myself a false feeling of security... in the woods, which road do you take if the signs point everywhich way it feels like?... the expectation is so heavily paved, and the contractors can't agree on a reasonable direction... the bricklayer, all he does is sit there and place in whatever he can find... still sick... i guess we can't all be self consious pricks... i love how ppl can play that off so easily... so i've been busy for the past few days... and maybe thats why imm tired... but thats not really it... i feel so lazy, theres too many hours in a day, yet there are never enough... why is that... so these past nineteen years, i've come to develope a pretty good understanding of the world... my perspective, my beliefs, my philosophy... how crazy would it be if i was completely wrong... so hard... so easy... i can't even bring myself to do a simple thing as such... it's so difficult though... maybe i am pessimistic because i don't understand enough... "can't get a job without work experiance"... a catch 22... maybe maybe... i should be a historian... i never really create, just collect... when plans fail...