Saturday, April 08, 2006
can't sleep... ever have something you want so badly that you may reconsider heaven and earth for? i know its for completely the wrong reason... it's freakishly selfish... but is there really wrong with having something you want?... its not really wanting something... its a matter of losing something... i don't want to lose something... part of me wants it, while the other part is telling the first that its better to abstain... you knoe what it is?... it's an excuse... me thinking that i can excuse myself out of it... really i don't want any reservations on my account when the final decision is made... i don't deserve it... i've blown it... twice... same lousy reason... it really is what it is... just fear... if i can only put that aside... what am i afraid of... theres just that overwhelming feeling of authority all the time... i can't help but to think of it... what should i do what should i do... the only benefactor will be me... maybe... see why can't i see it from the other perspective... i know why... or common knowlegde would tell me that i've actually driven myself into this little hole with some of my habits... deep dark hole... why am i so bitter towards it? that whole thing about hating sin... you really can't hate it if you're the one commiting it... but then whe others do... blam!... i guess it's not really even that... i just don't know i just don't know... two giant reocurring theme in my life i guess... one side tells me that i've got to give up control.... that other side says that i'm too passive and that i should try grasping more things within my power... why is that... culture... society... nurture... excuses... we say that that the humans are innately evil and then we say that the nrture from our society s evil... torn... man i haven't use that word in a long time... torn torn torn... so that quote i found i like... "its not getting what you want but wanting wat you've got"... some country song i know... but yeah... applies... its not calling an action "settling" but seeing it as "not taking something for granted"... i mean those times i really truly feel blessed... i pray more often now... only for this one thing... so selfish... kinda ironic isn't it... when people are in dispair... there's only one place to turn... and it's a god... whether its the god of money or the god of lust or the true god... or buddha... whatever... i just don't knoe... then again... everything always turns out... it always does... wait, thats once again a really passive way to look at things... should take a more active part in it?... short note... the devil doesn't need to do any great acts... all he has to do is whisper into one persons ear and say "you want it"