Monday, April 10, 2006
the difference of night and day... its got to be the moon or the wind or something... when you sit alone and meditate and think of the possibilities that can and never happen... you realize that meditation never really accomplishes anything... hope is a fallacy... why would anyone need hope if something will likely come true?... i can hope for something... that is my want... and yet if i don't actively grab hold of that it will just be blown away like chaff in the wind... this particular case i have no right to... scum of the earth... selfish bastard... exactly... somethings wrong... somethings wrong... something does not add up... what if elegance does not last over time? the plan's been fine up til now... but something is wrong... i don't want this i don't want this!!! oh my god!... i've seen this before... i see a blog entry years from now... i just wish i had done this way back when... i wish that... i wish that... i guess that since soph year... it's not that i haven't changed... its that the problems of become harder... this is how the government works... to keep everyone from knowing everything... i'm tired... it hasn't been this bad in a long time... i think i'm depressed... yes thats it... it explains all the over sleeping, the feelings of emptiness, the random backaches, the distractedness, the constant confusion... everthing...how how how... nothing makes sense... it was supposed to all work out... it was perfect fool-proof... so perfect that it seemed to be destined... you knoe those moments when you could see the future... when just everything everything was made apparent... i had one of those... a while back but it was there, telling me that its gonna be okay, and i was gonna settle for that... i would be happy... and then nothing... emptiness... as of now... quarter after midnight april tenth of two thousand five, i don't knoe... i don't know... that feeling you get when someone leaves... thats what that is... i used to get this feeling of emptiness after someone leaves from visiting our house... maybe its not that the fun has ended... but because people are leaving... somebody's leaving right now... not even leaving... not from here at least... they weren't here to begin with, and in retrospect, i was never really there... thats why i have no right... its like complaining that some was cutting in line when you yourself had someone stand in your place... it's just wrong... something is wrong with that too... so nothing is right... oh yeah the M in MIT stands for Mass... bleh... not gonna stop me... im not going to need to refer to that... every waking moment... paranoia is just a phobic form of self-centeredness... i need to scream... nowhere... at no time... does this really warrant this amount of verbosity?... no... in fact it is quite simple... i know why i must do something for these particular reasons... and i know why i mustn't for these others... that encapsulates all the reasons and excuses... now... ... ... ... ... the hard part, the part thats been fucking screwing with my head all the fucking time... is to pick one or the other... what scares me is that fate is really real, and to that end, my actions will have no effect on the fabric of our existence... that decisions are just illusions that god gives us to comfort us... what do i have to lose? if i really am willing to dedicate this much of myself pining over this, why am i still fearful?... it's gonna be a long night... why won't people just leave... i just can't match any of their energy... night and day... thats the time, but thats also the difference... its the separation of the feelings... i was mad... angered, not mad... i don't really know what the anger was for, or to... maybe i was trying to find a feeling that wasn't apathy... but laughter just didn't feel appropriate... like my feelings mean much anyways... feelings meaning my emotion, not my disposition... i really don't need that right now... i kept telling myself that i was going to concentrate on studies... thats an excuse... why must the world change... can't people stay where they are?... ships need their port... i think i'm just selfish to think that i could be the ship... i would go home, and there was one thing that i would look forward to doing, i guess thats why i'm selfish... shes told me this before... not wanting to hinder her path was not my idea... excusing excusing myself... great... messed up... messed up... meanig it was fine... compartmentalization... theres only one meaning fro this word to me... the reason they have this on ships is that when one part was flooded, you could close the bulkhead and let the rest of the boat stay afloat... it doesn't really work for feelings... compartmentalization just keeps things under pressure... what does the sky look like?... time just kind of flies by...i forget the reason that i do things... know why i first started to drum?... it wasn't because i like that sound of percussive instruments, but it was because all the cool kids were doing it... blame... blame... i keep blaming things... i keep thinking of thinking about events in terms of blame... i guess i really need to take responsibility for my actions... i can't concentrate... why is this a crossroads of my life?... i've never really felt anything as being crossroads... events are just intertwined... it all flows... linear... but now... it feels like it really is linear... sound-proof doors my ass... nope... two nineteen am april tenth, two thousand five... nope... no reason to despair... hope is like someone dies... nothing you do can bring them back... so why despair... only one thing i need to do... sleep, cuz tommorow is a better day...