Thursday, May 18, 2006
when you're just desperate... trying to find meaning in the smallest things... every nod, every song playing in the background, every way the sun shines though some trees... maybe there really is no meaning... just our gullible humanity read into mundane objects... then look up at the sky, over to a mountain, the shear greatness... the humbling reality that among these monuments of creation, i really am insignificant as i seem... so why?... so what?... what those things should me is that I am almost never lonely... that my problems really aren't that great, that there really are constants in life... im tired, i really really am... of just everything... deserve... what do i deserve?... nothing... i feel so numb... things really don't seem as facinating as they used to... i can still reminisce on how the crisp smell of morning air, the flowing tones of a melody, or that first warmth of a shower used to confort me... but now not much really... why has the daily trudge become my only reality... darkness, silence... thats what i really like to have now... hmmm all this time to myself, you think i get more time to meditate... but not really... it's just more and more work... diminishing returns... new phrase i learned... its not even that... just so much i expected... thursdays... logic design lab, then wind ensemble... so predictable... maybe i should be a hermit... what are people thinking?... really... i'd like to knoe... i kinda gave up on that recently... just blindly living... didn't even occur to me... i guess maybe this whole thing... and i mean the entirety of it all, i will oneday just look back and laugh at myself... i wonder how old i'd have to be before i'd be before i could do that... time flies... how do i stop it... i want to sit here in an eternal rest... to think things over... reevaluate my life... maybe that the problem... i should realise that i don't have that kinda of time in the world we live in... i am just wasting my life on thinking about it... when salt loses it's saltiness, what do you do? throw it away... but what if you are the salt?... blandness... days are like that now... how far do i have to go to make you understand?... i wanna make this work so much it hurts, but i jsut can't go on living, keep on giving with the ways things are, so im gonna walk away - martina mcbride... talking is so much easier that doing... is it the sense of security... what is it?... why?... crap, this hurts... to degrade... semantics is everything...