Tuesday, June 20, 2006
okie, so the thing is is that i had an epiphany a week ago, cept i forgot what it was and it was important... i totally know what the consquences are, and my life view totally reflects it, i just can't remember what it was... that milestone stuff they used to teach in sunday school, no joke... turned down the music i was blasting... yeah, i ono n/e more... haha soo freeing.. emotions reflecting the times... indirect haha... stop stop... backup... this talking by myself... i really shouldn't publish these things.. i thought they'd be healthy... in a way they are but totally not helping... interesting conversation i got into the other day... truth and all actually, more like ongoing... why does relativism seem to be more and more poignant, more tempting... been catching up on my calligraphy... might as well do one thing right... bleh... i don't get it... i seem to be able to relish most of this stuff, but how long is it gonna last, how long before my crazy spiral begins again... guys, you have a cycles just like women do, time you realize it, maybe not monthly, and it maybe not a physical thing, but as soon as you realize the whole world is cyclical, the better... seriously, i really need to break out of mine... i know exactly whats gonna happen, not gonna stop me... why is this happening? not really fair is it? what exactly is my point of reference... I guess it is better if i can realize this folly... yeah, thought the upside looks good, you know how there are always this little voice in the edge of you mind yelling at you? always there, always there... I really need a new topic for these things haha, yeah... i love how it must be a requirement for things like these to sound philosophical?... a bunch of BS... i mean, philosophy lacks application... was writing my essay about abortion in my final when i realized this... this crazy situation wher a mother needs to choose between her life by aborting the child or saving the baby and die of a cancer... yeah serious right?.... baloney... is a dying mother really gonna sit there and contemplate on the ramifications, and moral righteousness of saving the child?... no, if she's selfish, she'll abort the baby, if she's selfless, then she'll sacrifice herself... simple as that... legislating morality, thats a problem... in my perfect world, the church and the state would agree with each other, and morality would be agreed by everyone, and peace and love everywhere... but nope real world... thats why... real world can't cope with the logic that philosophy has to offer... people just aren't that way... we are very instinctual beings still relying on gut to make decisions... when was the last time a murderer stopped to think "hmmm i have a 67% chance of getting caught, should i gamble i freedom for this revenge?"... no, he'll just go setab the guy... people really shouldn't ignore how much stuff actually happens on impulse... ridiculous... it's about one... too late to do something i really need to... i wonder is it even worth it... i understand now that the whole thing was more like a fantasy i chose to invest in... stupid... childish... in different eyes they may seem "optimistic"or even "revolutionary"... but in this harsh real society... nothing like that can ever happen... we are the disney generation... oh yeah, therre will always be a happily ever after... how many kids actually do not knoe that phrase... now ask bring up "a penny saved is a penny earned".... a good safe maxim, i bet more kids knoe the first, and where it came from than the second... thats just the mentality we grew up in... the knight in shinning armor complex... for both genders... for example aladdin, a genie saves him... its totally ingrained... more recently... garden state, the boy's trapped in an endless cycle of depression, and this highspirited girl comes and saves him... seriously... i'm not saying that some people need not be saved or it's not good to go try help people, but that expectation... the expectation of a happily ever after... why must it be so?... my back is itchy... sun burned... maan, am i out of shape, played some volleyball at the beach, and i'm still sore after two days... heh... who knoes what the future holds... why must i keep planning for the future, the blessed/cursed eye-opening outlook on life... where has youth gone?... i guess that's about all i can do... i to complain... complain about why things have turned out to be the way they are... i guess thats the question of humanity... i'd like to think that destiny exists... that there is a purpose... but isn't that lazy? or thats untrusting... just to be able to lay your burdens down and let fate take its toll... i love this illusion... what we are sure is that... we certaintly don't not have the illusion of freewill... that must mean we either do have free will, or the illusion of it... for me, i fail to see how the two are different... i guess one can ask if a caged bird is content... the answer is that caged birds don't starve... take it as you will... but if this cage happens to be as large as the universe, who is to tell infinites apart?... why can't we except the fact that there may or may not be freewill, but we should just try as hard as we can anyway irregardless.... untrusting... i ono what to think anymore... global consciousness, call it god, call it fate, call it gaia for all i care... it is undeniable the the universe is tending towards something... and the other thing is that we don't knoe what its tending towards... haha... i love that beauty... i think if the universe were any other way we'd never have fun... how much doom and gloom if we knew exactly the date that the earth would blow up, or how hard we'd work if we knew there was a paradise for all of us... i guess it's really uncertainty that drives the world... the stock market at least... buying and selling, heh.... hammocks are comfortable... was lying in one today in the park... staring at some trees... time slows down... time speeds up, all at the same... wish i could do that more often... wish i could do that for all eternity... bliss... nothings... passing... i love this view... man builds a machine, it's about order... a computer how intricate the components all need to be placed... nature builds a machine, its is out of chaos... just the sheer luck, or pure genius, the randomness of osmosis can keep the the salinity balanced... amazing in both respects, its just the approach to each that strikes mee as different... i laid down on the ground to get some shuteye before finishing this entry... i could feel myself swaying... must do that again... alright im off to have some good dreams... night night, and sweet dreams