Monday, July 24, 2006
and here is the second post, the one that really doesn't give a shit about what other people thinks, the one that gets me in trouble... maybe im just tired and all the wrong wrires are overlapping in my head, but these fantasies seem so vivid... so before we go any further, and you're wondering what kind of fantasies i'm having, yyou must realize that when i say fantasy, i'm talking about even that have next to nil chance of ever happening... fantasy, the person in my fantasy, my optimal self is daring, he doesn't care about what others think, and he doesn't worry about getting hurt... fact is, fear... thats a lie, not really afraid... it'smore like anger and pissed offness... i really don't have a warrant for these feelings but i feel them none the less... a few things that caught me off gaurd these last few days... i was getting on a bus, and i almost ran into an elderly man because i was on the phone... the bus driver remarks: why don't you look up once in a while... seriously, if i was my bold self, and if not for the fact that he was driving the bus that got me places, i wanted to lash back... i've heard that all my life... for the first half, the perfect chinese son, stares downwards, never meeting the eyes of an elder, them i came to the US, the first time i got yelled at in class, all the teacher would say was "look at me when im talking to you"... you really should be a steward of your tongue... another thong that happened was i got jealous... i've been put up against others all my life, and i never realized just hoe surprising some of these situations may comeup... nobody is forcing this onto me, it's self induced, i knoe that this is stupid... it just seems like that the standards are incomparable... i will never be able to overcome... it really isn't my place to, not yet, maybe never... this is where resentment comes from... jealousy... i am jealous of this person, he has something, that i want... and thats where bitterness comes from... im tired... on more then one level... that doesn't mean im going to stop blogging, and it doesn't mean i give up that easily... when i first has this thought i knew that this will become a problem... why am i feeling like this?... so pathetic?... cycles... at least this time, it's reasonable... actually no it's not... i guess i just need that opportunity... i've had it so many times... how many more chances am i going to get... best foot forward... it always ends up like this, i cna't sleep, i'm typing in the dark... giving excuses... know what?... this time it'll be different... i won't stand idly by... frustration... i am sooo frustrated... am i too posessive?... am i unreasonably jealous... im at least keeping the outward appearance decent right?... this cannot be healthy... where do people get their strength?... am i just endowed with less... i can't say that it practiced... it's just not me... sad music in the dark... fate endows unevenly... i've learned to realize that... how do i compensate for these misgivings?... the best way i know how, or that i have practiced has not been successful.... fantasies don't happen and thats the sad reality... it isn't my place to wish for them... wishing don't amount to much... you don't juss will a miracle to happen... miracles have to be worked for... so how do i work for my miracle?... it seems like i can't... not my place... not my decision... pause... is that just the nice guy talking... was trying to be the "nice guy" for the longest time... not nice, er but chivalrous... hasn't worked very well... i'm really not like that... i was always told that i was a good student growing up... but the only vivid memories i have were of talking out of turn in class, what happened?... i used to be stupidly outgoing... it's like a stretched out game of poker, and its nearing the end, and all i can do is hold my chips, and watch is taken away by the blinds... i have a sudden craving to listen to "ode to joy"... this piece is genius... you really do feel joy listening to it... heres a short excerpt:" Joy, beautiful spark of the gods\ Daughter of Elysium\ We enter fire imbibed\ Heavenly, thy sanctuary." the third lines literally translates to "drunk with fire"... that should be how joy is supposed to be felt... frustration... nothing lets it out better than the crisp tones of a violin... still frustrated, i should try to get some sleep... not really helping myself... nite nite sweet dreams