Monday, July 24, 2006
so, it's simple... i still haven't recognized my cycles yet... or not really that, I haven't been able to tame them yet.. are they just an extenson of the reality we live in? or are we really actually in control... life experiance has taught me no... in fact we really are in control of very little things... two places i hate being... parking lot in fron t of ts emporium, and the verizon store... i don't knoe what is it about those places... so one of those time again, do i cut my losses? am i really losing?... fear... so was talking to esther on the phone one night, about human nature... are we really all just self serving?... i've always hated that... but it really does fit in well with my belief that people are evil... so, maybe beyond all my gut hopes about humanity, that we really are just a bunch of selfish people... so then the ultimate test of a person's character isn't what they can do people, but how efficiently he can use people... or unobstructively... maybe the thing is that nice, charitable people are just those that don't complain when they give... hmmm, irony maybe on the up... old excuses... sorry dude... now would be a perfect chance to do something... seriously... what do i have to lose... this whole cycle again... i remember going through this in highschool sophpmore year... brain vs. heart... i don't knoe why i thought they were mutually exclusive... but i remember, my buddy icon for a couple months became a man with a heart stabbing a man with a brain... while im reminiscing about this, i remember that also was the first time trying to create a webpage... it had a giant last of people and links to their sites... everyone's names were normal font, but anna's was rainbow, bolded, underscored... silly childhood... and thats why im here... again... you think you;d get over it by now... but its harder than i thought... so many chances, so many possibilities, and i think i've wasted them all over and over... segue... what is the worth of a man?... i knoe the answer... time, every man is worth his time... what else do we have?... money?... thats just time we've spent earlier earning it... fame?... that takes time... the end-all cost of everything is infact the time allotted to each person... and thats all i have to give...