Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Heres an unhappy thought... because, im like that: was thinking about my past... you know, generally... they say that a person is the sum of his experiances... i want to believe that it is true,... putting some obvious innate features aside... humans are pretty much just a blank slate.... "tabula rasa" if you will... (oh and, two people actually asked me what defenistration was.. heh)... so i thought about was i actually remember... i notice that i dpn't actually remember anything too well.. i mean their there, it's just that everything seems so murky... maybe this is why im not really certain about myself a lot of the times, is that i really don't know who i am... a lot of what i remember revolves around sad times... or good times went sour... just like how history books are shaped by wars... maybe its human nature to mark time by these kinda moments... one funny vivid memory actually, there was this one time, i was walking down the quad in junior high, i thought to myself, (like now) how i don't have memories of a lot of things, so i purposefully stood there and soaked every single detail... the grey bricks of the MPR, the green fence, the orange lunch tables, the people walking past... silly no?... maybe i should do that with every moment of my life... other things i remember oh-so-vividly are the embarassing times... they seem to just replay over and over in my head... past lies that didn't work out as well as i had hope... awkward moments in which i just didn't know what to do... kids in the playround laughing at me... and mostly i remember my mistakes... it's not true that there were no good memories... tiny accomplishments... marching in front of a crowd... stolen kisses in an elevator... its just that i don't refer to these during daily life... actually, it was hard to even think of those... why do we put so much emphasis on the bad times?... been yelled at a lot... maybe not even yell... asian parents have done this thing where they can yell at me without even raising their voices... this translates to my relationship with other people... im sure they aren't as mean as they seem... some people's tone of voices... reminiscent... was talking to Yen... i love how she can see through me so well... am planning on graduating this year... so she reminds me: "just dont [graduate] cuz u cant see any other options, do it cuz u want to" (i also love how i bracket the fill-in)... but really what other option do i have?... not to counter her comment, but as a realization that i really don't know where i am headed... when did i start feeling so subdued?... i hate it... not even feeling like putting rice in the cooker... decided to get pizza instead... when when... tired all the time, and i don't know why... i get more sleep then i've ever gotten... sighz... fixing progging assignment so that it could be implemented into the next one... not in the right frame of mood to do it... important things seem like a dream... cant remember if somethings actually have happened... can't decide how i feel about most of them... then again, i can't decide on how i feel about most things... never like this... i remember how i have strong feelings for a lot of things... ok took a couple hours break to talk to Jess... that was random... that was educational... that made me think about a lot of things... im not in control... i guess i was satified with just wallowing in my own self-pity... no more... tired... the key to being on mountaintops is that you have to walk down... slowly... do you believe in miracles?