Wednesday, December 06, 2006
hmm, my devil may care attitude is still around... i ono, not liking it too much, sure i get things done but it ust skims by... it seems that each day is melding into the next... ( heh, melding, i hate that word...) yeah, so right now i don't knoe what i'm doing anymore... i guess few people do... lost that drive that i used to have... it kinda bugs me... it used to be that things like that would eat at me for days... doesn't do that anymore... now its just sort of on the fly... been reading more lately, for fun that is... i realized that part of my losing my english is that i don't do any recreational reading anymore... reading a lot of Asimov... "The Last Question" is really good, look into it... yeah, science fiction mostly but it's a start... these stories kinda give me hope... maybe this whole time wasn't the overabundance of wiles, but the misused of them... thats been my problem... or how i don't put them to good use... i really should stop recycling music... in fact... this world's been pretty glum lately... nothing stimulates me... how they say art, and science, and philosophy, expands one's horizon... not feeling any of that... kinda just rotting... nothing happens... a kinda wish, but i'm just a bit hesitant lately... been spending a little too much time there... i knoe... tired... the one thing i love about science fiction is the optimism... they are so optimistic, that humans don't blow ourselves up,that each man is great... ofcourse all these classics were written in the fourties and fifties... i guess man had to have a little levity in the post-war era... but i see that many of them can still apply today... these portry humans to have survived millions of year, to be united, to overcome war, hunger, etc... this is the next night... hmmm was grocery shopping today... bristol farms rich neighborhood... there was a toy donation collection out front... its interesting... back home... middle class area, in front of the library, the toybox would always be over flowing... but here, its bare... not a single toy... i understand as well as anyone that no one is obligated to give anything... that the only real reason why people give is to feel good about themselves... im not saying that people should be compassionate, cuz for whatever reason, there's gonna be some happier children around... phooo... what am i doing... chaff in the wind... hmm, best laid plans... actually there are no plans... almost succumbed today... realized that there was nothing to lose.... everything to gain... heres the thing... i knoe all the reasons... i knoe all the teachings, the logic, and yet, i can't bring myself to... it seems the i live without the use of logic... wasting a gift... living hell thats what it is... but what am i doing about it... for now nothing... i really need to step back and reassess... it kinda hard nowadays... not much time for myself... even when im alone... so many distractions... things to do... i'd rather be search in vain for escape than let my own mind wander for more than a few minutes... something's wrong... very wrong... we just have to move on... "there is no hell like a life unlived"... misquoting from What Dreams May Come... i don't knoe why im so drawn to that movie... it think that was still back when i was optimistic about everything... these people, even in death, their love for each other was so strong, that he almost lost his soul to bring her back... beautiful... life's not like that i guess... i think this really is a product of the world we live in... i hate blaming society on things... i believe that we have to live with what we've got and assimilating into the society is just a sacrifice we all have to make... but my one disagreement, my one gripe, is that this society gives us too much lies... lies in the sense that all they feed us is with false hope... commercialism, entertainment, politics, medicine even... all the wrongs in these can be summed up into false promises... buying a product won't make you sexier, voting for this guy won't lower your taxes, taking this pill won't make you feel better... its just the way that the world works... and i guess we really have to talk all this stuff with some salt... now i qualify that we also should live like fanatical skeptics... (it sounds like a contradiction in terms, but its really not)... all this hope, has got me hoping that everything will be alright... i love saying/thinking that "everything always turn out alright" ... and in truth its been a pretty good motto up till now... but its a very passive way to live life... this world-view makes it seems like our future doesn't need much tending... but i guess im wrong... i guess im wrong on a lot of things... things happened, it didn't tur out alright... or maybe im just not seeing things through, i haven't actually looked at the big picture over time... i guess only time will tell... and everyday it seems, we knoe things sooner than before... frightening...